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Post by caleb jay ierie on May 7, 2013 18:39:52 GMT -7
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & BUT WHEN I CAME BACK IT WAS MORE OF A RELAPSE` THEY SAID 'IF YOU DON'T LET IT OUT YOU'RE GONNA LET IT EAT YOU AWAY I'D RATHER BE A CANNIBAL BABY ANIMALS LIKE ME DON'T TALK ANYWAY FEEL LIKE AN AMBULANCE, CHASER OF - - - - - - - - - - - faith | [atrb=width,240] Oliver had always meant everything to Caleb, and not just in the high school crush sort of way. Those things didn't last, even if people talked about high school sweethearts they would marry and settle down with. They didn't last in Calebs world, and not after reconnecting. Caleb had seen the world, he understood a lot of it, and he was happy to settle down with Oliver. He was only twenty two at the time, but he felt like his life was right without Oliver in it. Caleb had willingly trusted Oliver with his heart, and after everything, he didn't do that without caution. He was not swayed by the fact that Oliver was the first boy he liked, it had seemed so silly. A dream come true, yes, but Caleb was old enough to understand what he was getting into. That didn't mean that neither of them was broken though, they were young and more than likely to make mistakes. Maybe not as big as they had, but it had happened. It was a lesson well learned, though that was taking it light heartedly. Caleb had not loved Oliver without reason. He'd placed his trust in that man, he'd let Oliver take chances he hadn't let other men take. Oliver ha lead Caleb into loving sex – because it meant loving him – where as before he had been less than enthusiastic about the endeavour. He'd opened up his heart and soul to this man, told Ollie about his problems, the ones he could. Complained on work, depended on him to make Caleb feel better. They both needed each other, but not just because of two years depending on one another.
Dependance didn't come without trust. Caleb didn't have a hard time trusting people, but it was rare he let many people into his life. He had acquaintances, at college and through his job when he had it. Caleb never needed a lot of friends, simply for the fact that he could only be close to a small amount of people. He really only had his best friend in high school, and through her a few other friends. He hadn’t told anyone else he was gay – though that was besides the point, it wasn't something Caleb would really announce. He was just that type of man, and it was strange that he’d fall in love with Oliver, someone who was so exuberant, so full of life and not quiet in the least. But they balanced each other out. Oliver brought out more of Calebs sociable side, and Caleb was perfectly happy sitting at home with his boyfriend, cuddling just the two of them. It was great, as well, how when they did go out, they were still together. Even across the room, all Caleb had to do was look up and usually Oliver was already smiling at him. That was what their relationship did, create a bond Caleb had thought could have never been broken. They talked casually about being married, accepted the jokes others made about them being a married couple because they knew it was going to happen one day. They were just waiting for the right time, perhaps give themselves more time to explore their relationship as boyfriends.
Or, perhaps, explore the part of them not being boyfriends. Caleb may have been hesitant to marry Oliver because of the problems they had, and never discussed. As much as he appeared to be willing to live with the abuse, no human openly wished that upon themselves. This time, if there was a this time, would it work out? Caleb didn't even know what they were, but they didn't feel like exes anymore. They needed time to figure out where they were, what they were going to be, and gain that trust back. The trust Caleb started losing the first time Oliver had hit him. They would have to be careful, and this couldn't be born just out of desperation to have the other back. Caleb knew he couldn't kiss Oliver, say he loved him, or even hug him, he needed his boundaries and so did Ollie. It wasn't even about waiting for Ollie to say that he could, Caleb just wanted to wait. They had only talked, they needed some breathing room. Issues would come up in the later days, possibly, and Ollie needed time to mourn. He couldn't exactly jump back into a relationship. Caleb didn't even know if that was what they were headed towards, he wouldn't keep his hopes up. It was just a matter of where things ended up.
Crying was a pain, it hurt the back of his throat, his eyes stung and he felt like an idiot. Seeing Oliver cry though, was worse,because he knew he'd be the one to make that happen this time. And knowing that Oliver was hurting, that he was distressed enough to cry, but it seemed to be more of a weight lifting off his shoulders than onto it. Caleb wished he could give Oliver a hug, he didn't know what he could say that could express his thoughts better than that. Ollie would do anything, and so would Caleb. That was all it took. “It's okay Ollie,” he said the words softly, though they would usually be accompanied with a hug or a kiss or at least a hand on Olivers shoulder. Caleb kept his distance, watching Oliver tug at his hair, wishing he didn't do that so much. “I'll be here, I promise,” he hesitated, trying to figure out anything else he wanted to say. “And, I'm here for you, for Penny.” he added, looking down, not wanting to remind Oliver. “If you need anything, I'm just a phone call away. And...you still have the keys to the house” he wanted to add that he'd given them to Oliver when he left for a reason. But he hadn't, if Oliver had tried to come back, beg Caleb, he didn't know what he would have done. Changed the locks, pushed him out of his life, never welcomed him back. They'd be ruined. Caleb needed the time to think, to heal. He needed to forgive Oliver, and figure himself out. He felt a lot more clear headed now.
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Post by oliver rhys cardinal on May 8, 2013 18:02:22 GMT -7
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OH, TAKE ME BACK TO THE START
For someone who consistently had short relationships throughout his school years, Oliver’s ability to form very deep, very intense connections with people was rather overactive. It was frightfully common for him to make a friend and then be utterly devastated by the loss of them, even when it happened over time. He didn’t cut ties well, and this was evidenced through his history. When he was little, and his mom went back to work for the first time since having him, he had been enrolled in a day care and grown very attached to a particular employee there. She had long blonde hair and he had loved to touch it, and she loved to let him, and he was completely taken from there on out. However, when Penny was born, Oliver was taken out, because the cost of two children was enough without daycare on top of it, since their mother wasn’t working. Oliver, needless to say, was not happy with the idea. He had thrown quite a fit, and, were he not so instantly attached to Penny once he tried, he might still be somewhat upset about it. Spencer often teased him about this while they were growing up, telling him any time they disagreed slightly that if he didn’t know it would completely wreck Oliver, he’d have ditched him for someone cooler ages ago. It was only funny because Spencer was dedicated and there to stay; otherwise, Oliver would’ve been forever paranoid. Sometimes he tried not to get close for fear of getting hurt. It was likely that that was where some of the issues in his relationships came from: a lack of faith in the relationship. If he didn’t believe it was certain to succeed, it would be easier for him to pick it apart, and so then they never did work out quite right. It had been when he let his guard down that he got hurt.
Never for a moment had he mistrusted Caleb, not even at the beginning. There was something undeniably different about him, something Oliver had never found in a person before. Later he would realize that, when you love someone, you simply know they’re the one for you, and he supposed that that feeling he’d had about Caleb, well, that was just him knowing. It was easy to instantly trust him because of it. It did help, though, that Spencer knew Caleb fairly well, and everything that Oliver had heard of him was positive. Oliver’s friendship with Caleb had been easy, Oliver enjoyed spending time with him. Looking back, it had been somewhat awkward, but he hadn’t noticed before, distracted by the fact that he was always so attracted to him, and distracted by that thing he’d always felt. Things in their dating relationship had been smooth, however, and they had been so cute and so happy. They were in love, that was so obvious in everything they ever did, how could there ever be a lack of trust there?
Right. Because of Oliver. Because of the drugs and the cancer, because of all the physical and emotional abuse that Oliver had put Caleb under, and because of the way that Caleb had reacted to it. They shared some blame in this, of course, but it was mostly his own fault, and now all he could do was be thankful that Caleb could remember how good they had been, and that he missed it enough to give Oliver another chance. There was nothing, nothing he could ever think of that he could be more thankful for. At least, nothing he could have now that Penny was gone for good.
He hadn’t been really thinking of his sister and her untimely death until Caleb brought it up, to assure him that he would be willing to do whatever it took to make him better, and Oliver would have appreciated that to no end, if it didn’t hurt so much, if the words didn’t make the house seem so much smaller, the air seem so much thicker. It hurt, God, it hurt so bad to think about, and he didn’t know if he could deal with it, after having the distraction of the thought of getting Caleb back to numb him, to remove the hurt for a bit to only have it hurt so much more later, when it came back. He wished Caleb would hug him, that the offer from last night at the graveyard still stood, but he knew if he hugged him he’d never let go, and that couldn’t happen. Because, after remembering Penelope, he knew he should be with his parents right now, and he felt terrible for even having come here. Still, he needed this; it hurt terribly, but now, for the first time, he felt like he could heal.
He simply nodded as Caleb reminded him that he had keys to the house. They were here, actually, in the pocket of Oliver’s dress pants, folded by the couch, on the ring with his car key and the key to his parents’ place and various others. Over the months they’d been apart, Oliver hadn’t thought about it much, never having considered going back there when Caleb didn’t want him there. It would simply be rude, and after all the upsetting things he had done to him, Oliver didn’t need to make things worse. But now...he had permission.
After a moment of silence, trying to wrap his mind around this entire morning, he decided to speak, his voice slightly quivering. “I should go home sometime. My parents...well, they just lost a kid. I should...be there. For them.”
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[/color] It was hard to say whether or not Oliver really wanted to leave, or if he just felt that he had to. Regardless, he couldn’t stay here much longer. Things just hurt too much right now, even just the ones irrelevant to their relationship, and he needed to go home. It did occur to him, though, that there was always the possibility that this house could be called his home again one day, and somehow that made the decision to leave that much more obvious. Until he was completely welcome and needed here, he would have to go where he already was. Maybe Caleb needed him--he said he did, after all--but so did his parents, and he needed to help them now. Now that he knew he had a chance with Caleb again.[/div] Words: 1083 Notes: augh boys
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Post by caleb jay ierie on May 10, 2013 20:47:40 GMT -7
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & BUT WHEN I CAME BACK IT WAS MORE OF A RELAPSE` THEY SAID 'IF YOU DON'T LET IT OUT YOU'RE GONNA LET IT EAT YOU AWAY I'D RATHER BE A CANNIBAL BABY ANIMALS LIKE ME DON'T TALK ANYWAY FEEL LIKE AN AMBULANCE, CHASER OF - - - - - - - - - - - faith | [atrb=width,240] “Yeah, yeah, you should” This time Caleb couldn't beg for him to stay. Oliver wasn't offering to leave just for Calebs sake. He needed to be home, be with his parents. Caleb had no right laying any more claim to him than he already had, and he only hoped he could have comforted Oliver a little bit. At least to give him one good nights sleep and a little closure on the thing that was them. Things were still up in the air, but Caleb felt like it was a little bit easier to breathe, and he wasn't in as much pain. “Your car is still at...the graveyard, right?” Caleb hated how silent Oliver had gotten, he knew that he was thinking about Penny again. He wished he didn't have to bring it up. “I can drive you there, if you want” Caleb waiting until Oliver nodded slowly. Caleb didn't want to go back to that place, but they had too, unless Caleb drove Ollie home, which seemed to be crossing some sort of line or two. He wished things weren't so restricted between them. He didn't know how to comfort Oliver with this, besides listen to him talk, be there if he needed someone to comfort him. There was no way he could fix this, but he could at least try while Oliver did the same. “You..you have some clothes here, still, if you wanted to change into them” it was like offering the blind glasses, Caleb felt like his words were hitting a brick wall for all that Oliver reacted. He wasn't sure if Oliver nodded again, he wouldn't meet Calebs eyes. He did move eventually, slowly walking towards the door, and his body seemed to have a lot more weight to it than it really did. Before Oliver passed him, Caleb stopped him with a soft touch to his shoulder. He didn't leave his hand there, just let it rest until Oliver looked up at him. He let Oliver meet his eyes, didn't say anything, but hoped Oliver got the message. Hey, I know I suck, but I'm still here and it hurt to see the pain there, the mourning, and Caleb wasn't sure if it hurt more to let Oliver keep walking.
After hearing the click of the guest bathroom door, Caleb walked back to the master bedroom. The house felt so strange with Oliver back in it, wrong that they had to separate themselves to change. The two of them had never really been shy around each other, even when they had first moved in. Caleb did still blush slightly when Oliver saw him totally naked in the light of day, but that was just his modesty. It was worse when Oliver complimented his body, but that was just butterflies from the compliment. Caleb picked up the clothing from the dresser in their room and locked himself in the washroom connected to their room. He didn't want Oliver to walk in on him, and he needed to take out his burning contacts anyway. He would have replaced them, but his eyes were tired from crying and what felt like a lack of sleep. He'd had the world painted before him in a faint illusion, and now it was crumbling down. It didn't take long to change, though he felt like he was trying to switch skins. Talking with Oliver about the two of them and talking with him about Penny were two different worlds, and the first had been closed for the time being. There were still so many things he wanted to say, growing behind his lips the longer he was away from Oliver, but the topic was closed. Later, if there was a later, and Caleb hoped deliriously for one. He paced back to the living room with his glasses and car keys in hand, Oliver appearing in the time it took to put his shoes on.
They didn't talk, but they didn't need to. The silence wasn't born out of lack of knowledge of the words to say, but Caleb knew that Ollie needed time to himself. If he had wanted to speak, he would speak. Hearing his love so silent was still a harsh blow, the man was always talkative. Words were hard sometimes, and Caleb knew the silence could mean as much as anything. He wanted to lay a hand on Olivers thigh as they drove, wind their fingers together, but he kept both hands firmly on the wheel. He'd never been so concentrated on the road, his driving precise. It was only to distract himself from counting the breaths next to him, each one feeling like a step away from Caleb. His thoughts were starting to stop making sense once more. At least he wasn't shaking, the tears had been washed from his face. Caleb wished Ollie could feel as whole as he. It was too quick that he was pulling into the graveyard lot, and he didn't know if it was pretend, the slight strangled breath he heard from Oliver's side of the car. He knew what the man sounded like when he was distressed though. “I'm sorry,” the quiet words stopped Oliver from getting out of the car, and Caleb knew the sentiment was well worn. “I'm sorry this all had to happen,” he clarified, because it was needed, though it was still vague. Caleb didn't know how he knew Ollie would just nod his head before getting out of the car, the door closing behind him. Suddenly Calebs throat was closed once more, and he felt like he was drowning. He hated crying when he was wearing glasses because the lenses would no doubt get water on them, and so he steeled himself. He pretended he didn't watch Oliver get into his own car, and wished he'd asked if he was okay to drive. It was a slight hesitation before he got out of his own car, a light warm breeze flicking at his hair. It was a very nice day out, the chill of winter disappearing under the sun. It was a wish that this meant things were going to be different. Olivers car started just as Caleb walked across the small space between them and tapped on the glass. The hazel eyes that met his were surprised, but Oliver rolled down his window. All Caleb wanted to say was 'Are you alright to drive' and act like it wasn't a plea to stay with Oliver longer.
“Promise you'll come back?” the words were very small and Caleb worried they would get carried away by the wind.
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