Conspire to re-ignite

[Deleted]

you electrify my life ,

[atrb=style, background: #373737; border: dashed #ffffff 4px; border-radius:50px 0px 50px 0px;] [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border: dashed #ffffff 3px; width: 400px; height: 500px; float: left; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 25px; padding-top: 25px;] Shale was never really a secret, but Alan wasn’t exactly advertising the fact that he had started spending his time with him instead of being alone. This didn’t change when Shale changed from best friend to boyfriend, and Alan didn’t particularly mind if it never did. He wasn’t hiding anything, and he didn’t care who knew or who didn’t know, but he didn’t see a need to go about telling everyone. It was his business, his and Shale’s, so why bring it up? Besides, there wasn’t anyone to tell, and there was no reason to go looking for anyone to tell. So it could just be them in the relationship, and what was wrong with that? Sure, people knew about them. All of Shale’s friends had met Alan. Even though that hadn’t gone over well with some of them, the ones that hadn’t fled from the table at lunch seemed to be okay. They seemed to understand. Word hadn’t really spread the way Alan had expected it to, either. People saw them together and simply seemed to let it happen. And maybe there was gossip, but Alan didn’t have to hear it, so it didn’t really matter much to him. Really, everything ran far more smoothly than he could have anticipated, ignoring any inconvenience due to the communication issues. Despite the trouble they still had talking, Alan was typically the recipient of Shale’s undivided attention, save for maybe some conversations at the lunch table that Shale had to participate in because it was the socially acceptable thing to do. And he didn’t mind, because Shale would turn back to him eventually. Their relationship was something that was just simple; even Alan had trouble over-thinking it. That is, until later in October, when Shale decided he wanted to meet Alan’s family. Then things got complicated fast. What was once a convenient avoidance became a full-fledged obsession. Shale wasn’t allowed in his room unless he was sure no one in the family was going to walk in, and certainly they weren’t going to venture out of the room for anything. There was no real way to go about making sure, though, was the problem. What was more difficult than keeping them away, though, was trying to explain why he needed to keep his family and his boyfriend separate. It wasn’t about Shale. Shale wasn’t a secret from them. They were a secret from him. It was one thing for him to complain about them and talk about them and tell Shale about the things they did, but it was entirely another for Shale to see them for himself and talk to them and listen to them and make his own opinions. Because then they might like him, and he might like them back. And that would mean Shale would spend less time just with Alan, and more time with them around. Someday, Shale could find that he liked the rest of them more than him. It wouldn’t be the first time he was the least favorite; on the rare occasions that any of them went out in public, nobody paid any attention to him. The fact that attention was usually unwanted was irrelevant. He couldn’t help noticing when peoples’ gaze skipped past him and straight to Carla, who was the pretty one, or Eric, who was the hot one, or Vanessa the adorable one, or Kyle the cute one, or Steph the attention seeker. Being ignored was worse than the unwanted attention sometimes. He wanted Shale for his own. Everything he had was shared with nine other people, was it so bad to keep this one thing for himself? And so no, he wouldn’t let Shale meet them, couldn’t risk him pulling away from him to get closer to them. The biggest issue, though, was saying no to Shale. It was hard because he wouldn’t stop asking. And eventually Shale’s arguments wore him down. He didn’t have enough things to say to Shale to explain why he wanted to keep the two parts of his life separate. There were a lot of reasons, but they were all very opposite thoughts; he was both desperate for attention and very afraid of it. He wanted Shale to know everything about his life and all the people in it, but not his family. But eventually, it all got too exhausting. And so finally, toward the end of October, he caved, told Shale that fine, he could meet them. He only barely managed to avoid asking Shale not to judge him too much when he did. As soon as he had agreed, though, it seemed like Shale had forgotten what he wanted. He didn’t bring it up anymore, never suggested that they go downstairs and talk to the family, never reminded Alan that he promised it could happen. Eventually, Alan stopped panicking about it. After school one day, Shale appeared at Alan’s locker with a grin and a plan, though he wouldn’t say exactly what it was. And he tried to put up a fight, tried to get Shale to tell him what was going on, but in the end he caved without knowing. Shale was too adorable and too persuasive and he made Alan curious enough to go along. It was hard not to cave. So that was how Alan ended up riding shotgun in Shale’s car, en route to destinations unknown. Car rides between the two of them were quiet in a way that Alan wasn’t used to with Shale. Alan was, obviously, constantly caught in unbreakable silence, but it didn’t often feel very quiet between them like it did in the car. Shale had to drive, which required the use of his attention and his hands. He couldn’t spend much time speaking to Alan because that required facing him, couldn’t sign to him because that needed both hands. If they talked at all on any given ride, it was at red lights and stop signs, and those never lasted very long. It made Alan feel uncomfortable, really. It wasn’t so much the lack of communication that bothered him; they could spend hours together, not talking, just being together. It was only the impossibility of something substantial that made it seem like there was something between them. He knew it was all in his mind, of course, and it was always temporary, but he always found himself dwelling on it during car rides. It was just one of those things he did, one of the situations he got put in that made him wish he wasn’t the way he was. Because it just would have been nice, talking to his boyfriend as they went places. It was better when they walked from place to place, since at least they could hold hands then. This was just lonely. The longer Shale didn’t tell him, the more Alan wanted to know. He was eager for this ride to end, even more so than he always was in this situation. He wanted this, that is, until they arrived at their destination. Alan had never been a gracious receiver of anything of value. Gifts, as a rule, bothered him. They meant that someone, (usually, though not always, Natalie) had spent their money on him. Money that was worked hard for and obtained honestly. And when it was used to provide him with things he didn’t ask for or he didn’t need... He knew how important money was and didn’t want people to waste it on him, and he couldn’t understand what they hoped to achieve by doing something like that. Gift-giving was simpler in other minds that his, he was sure it must be. But Alan couldn’t justify it. He was always thankful, of course, always appreciated whatever sentiment was put into the object, but he often found it difficult to like what they had done. He always felt after that that he owed the other person. But there could be no method of repayment when there was no money to use. He didn’t do anything to deserve such thing, and he didn’t know how to accept them without this idea of paying them back. Shale did have the money to spend. That was clear from his car and from his mother’s house and from all the things he had already bought for Alan. Alan, meanwhile, had always been poor, but had never felt so in debt. Shale told him not to worry about it, but he did anyway. He always did. He didn’t expect Shale to be able to understand that. And so when he realized that the car was parked outside of a costume store on Halloween, Alan refused to get out of it. He had no desire to get dressed up for anything, and even less desire to let Shale spend more money. Why Shale thought this would be okay was beyond him. He didn’t have any idea exactly why they were here, but he didn’t want to go in there and find out. He also didn’t want to hurt Shale’s feelings or anything, but he wanted some sort of explanation first.

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Notes: this post is bleh but i think my muse is slightly less dead Tag: Shale~! Words: 1520 [/center]

[Deleted]

you electrify my life ,

[atrb=style, background: #373737; border: dashed #ffffff 4px; border-radius:50px 0px 50px 0px;] [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border: dashed #ffffff 3px; width: 400px; height: 500px; float: left; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 25px; padding-top: 25px;] Alan had never enjoyed meeting people. Even when he had been in special classes with students he could have easily talked to, he tended to avoid interaction. He had preferred to be on his own even before knowing what pessimism or cynicism were, even before he had believing himself to be at an unfair disadvantage in the world and before he started believing everyone was out to get him. His present negativity was relatively new; until he left the shelter of those classes, he had been rather blissfully ignorant to most things. Now, the real world stared him in the face, and things just got worse. A preference for being alone became a need to keep his distance from everyone. Communicating was just an unnecessary hassle. He could live perfectly well on his own, and he could prove it as soon as they stopped babying him. Staying so entirely to himself, however, had its effects on his ability to empathize. It was hard for him, for example, to see why anyone would enjoy putting themselves into situations that involved meeting new people. Why bother, when things were so perfectly fine with only the current relationships one maintained? If you stayed away, you wouldn’t know that you were missing anything. And you could be happy. This mindset, perhaps more than anything else, was what made him so confused as to how Shale could possibly want to have anything to do with new people, even if they were Alan’s own family. And it didn’t make sense to think that way, and maybe part of Alan realized that, but that didn’t matter to him. Countless examples proved his theory wrong; look at his and Shale’s relationship, for one thing. If people only ever interacted with the people they already knew, then they wouldn’t have this between them. But it wasn’t the first time Alan’s way of thinking his way out of things logically had been painfully flawed, so it was unlikely that it would change very easily. It was just difficult for him to see any reason for the meeting to be necessary. Pair that with his other hesitancies, and it seemed impossible that Shale could change Alan’s mind. But Shale always did. Strong as Alan’s arguments could be, as firm a stance he may ordinarily take, Shale had a particular skill for breaking his will. It wouldn’t take more than a few moments, a few kisses, a few simple words to bend him into doing whatever Shale wanted. Alan thought maybe this should bother him, to have no control. To be so malleable, flexible. If it was anyone else in the world, Alan wouldn’t have stood for it. It seemed like Shale was the exception for everything. Maybe, then, he could be the exception to the no-family rule, too, Alan supposed. And so, finally, Alan agreed. Fine, Shale could meet them. Prove Alan wrong about one more thing. Going with Shale after school was never a question. Shale asked, of course, simply out of manners. Shale would plead with words and kisses and touches, begging him like it was some sort of difficult task he was asking him to perform, but there was never any chance of an answer he wouldn’t like. Alan would go anywhere with him. Letting Shale try to convince him was really just a perk. As much of a hassle as a car ride was, going places with Shale was so much better than wandering around alone to avoid going home. It was so much less lonely, so much more interesting this way. Alan would have someone to share his thought with, tell stories about his day to, someone who was going to listen to whatever it was he wanted to let out. And that meant infinitely more than Alan could accurately say, even to Shale. He liked being with Shale, liked seeing new things and familiar things, important things and menial things, ordinary and extraordinary things. It didn’t make a difference to him as long as they were together. What mattered was that Alan could see him, smell him, touch him, that they could share cigarettes and kisses as well as stories. And if they were out, then Shale wasn’t meeting Alan’s family, and that was fine with him. Shale could put it off forever, for all he cared. There was no hurry. Sitting in the parking lot of a costume store inside Shale’s car, though, this was not a good compromise. If Shale meant to get Alan dressed up in costume, if he was buying him one more damned thing, throwing away more money when Alan didn’t deserve it, didn’t need it...Alan didn’t even know how to react. So when Shale appeared in the door and asked what was wrong, Alan didn’t know how to respond. Solution: ignore the question and instead ask his own. What are we doing here, Shale?

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Shale’s sign language was getting better, but no matter how fluent Shale would ever become, it still meant everything to Alan that he was working so hard on it. Sometimes, just seeing that he was willing to take the time to recall signs for words he could more easily speak out loud was enough to make him let Shale win. Or maybe it wasn’t the sign language at all. It might just be Shale. Shale had a way of always winning, all the while making Alan okay with that. Maybe it was unhealthy. It was probably unhealthy. No one in a relationship should be exclusively victorious in every disagreement just because they were better at changing the other’s mind. Shale shouldn’t take advantage of him that way, but Alan also shouldn’t be so glad to let him do it. Both of them were at fault, so maybe that balanced things out. Or something.

Arguably, Alan was stubborn enough that the extra skill in persuasion was necessary. For example, it would have been easy enough for him to have just gotten out of the car and gone to find out what it was Shale wanted in there. Maybe they weren’t getting costumes at all, maybe they were...well, he couldn’t think of anything they could be doing instead, but it was still sort of unfair to jump to conclusions. Shale hadn’t explained, he should have let him explain first, before getting angry over nothing. Something should have been different. Yet there he sat in the passenger seat, Shale crouching beside him, with no intention of moving. Not yet. Given past experience, perhaps Alan should have known that eventually Shale would convince him, coax him out of the car, but at the moment he hoped to stay where he was. He was proving a point, at the very least. He wasn’t a toy, wasn’t just going to be dragged around for company and entertainment regardless of what he himself wanted. He had a right to know why they were here, what they were buying, why on God’s earth that Shale was constantly buying things...

Maybe some of that was jealousy, really. Shale had the car, he could drive where he wanted. Alan was deaf, and so it was easy to keep secrets from him. Shale was rich, and he held the world at his fingertips. Alan was pliable under the right circumstances, and Shale knew them all and used them to his advantage, and it was so simple to make him go along with it. It made sense to be jealous. He spent most of his time wrapped up in some sort of negative emotion, it was only a matter of time before he started wanting things for his own. Things he couldn’t have. Things that fate had given to other people but not to him, never to him.

That was what was wrong. That his brain was wired to think like that, to be so damn skeptical and over-analytical, to read into every action further and pick it apart until the big picture was impossible to see anymore, and then to put it back together and see something completely different. What was wrong was that he didn’t notice anything wrong in the way he was until he was already acting on it, at which point his pride kept him from changing. And then later, bring Shale into the picture, pride was thrown to the wind. It wasn’t Shale’s fault, it was his for being so tangled and contradictory. Maybe if he wasn’t like that, maybe he could look at things normally and be able to go costume shopping with his boyfriend. Maybe then he wouldn’t sit in his boyfriend’s car and think like this for no reason and end up making everything worse.[/div]
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Notes: asdgasdasgas what is even happening in his mind omfg. also i didn't proofread this so please excuse any glaring mistakes Tag: Shale~! Words: 1456 [/center]

[shale]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,400,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://colourlovers.com.s3.amazonaws.com/images/patterns/0/635.png)][atrb=style, padding: 10px;] before i learned his name - - - We were already asleep. When I woke up in my coffin, he was nowhere to be seen. Was it all a dream? Who can I believe? It can't be what it seems. It was only Halloween, what does it all mean? Everybody scream, everybody scream, if it's Halloween Shale would never know what it was like to be poor. Though him and his father lived in the lower class, they didn't struggle to be by. In the divorce case, Shale's father only agreed to let his mother keep the girls if he got nearly half of Shale's parents saving funds. Shale was never part of that bargain, he was just tossed in. Shale didn't fully understand why his father moved them to the lower class with that money, why he only worked at a used Catholic bookstore. They could own a house in Mayday and his father never work and they could both still have enough for retirement, by Shale's standards. Shale only figured it was some Catholic moral system, take no more than you needed or some shit like that. Then was made no sense that his father had easily given up his daughters, his children, for money. It seemed to Shale his father was rolling over to his mothers will, something only Shale was not susceptible too, being as pig-headed as she was. What Shale didn't know was his father had put away a very large portion of the money into a savings account, had it stowed away years before the divorce. Shales father was saving the money for Shale, for Shale's school, whenever he wanted to go. Ge it Harvard or Caroline's own community college, Shale would be able to do whatever he wanted and live a relatively easy life throughout his schooling. Int his and many other ways, Shale would never know hardship, never know what it was like to be poor. He couldn't even begin to comprehend it. He didn't know what it was like for everyday to be a struggle. For some days to be so bad that you didn't even have four dollars to your name because you were between checks and the rent had just gotten paid and bills were coming in and you couldn't even buy food. For food to be considered carefully, no extras or any flourishes to be bought. A fifty dollar shirt equalled at most five meals to someone living on no money. Everything in Shale's life was handed to him, and because of this, he threw away money. Well, as some would see it. Shale never saw it aw throwing away money. He had money to spend(though it was not his nor earned by him), and so he spent it. Shale didn't understand the concept of saving money for he had never had to in his life. For Shale, spending money was how he showed his affections. Kisses and gifts came more easily than words for Shale. When Shale was growing up, the only words he knew were sharp, cutting, uncaring. Saying 'I love you' was a trick, a ploy, a lie to get something you wanted. Words held very little value for Shale, and so he didn't trust them. It was funny though, he trusted Alan's words. Shale believed everything Alan said and he knew Alan was not lying, or trying to trick him. Alan was purely honest. Being here today, buying Alan any sort of gifts was not purely out of Shales affection for him. Though it was a large part of it, but there was something else. Shale felt like he didn't need to explain or show or gift his emotions to Alan, because it was as if Alan already somehow perfectly understood. Shales ease in life made it so nothing was ever hard to come by. People could even be bought. Nothing was out of his reach. Nothing, it seemed, but Alan. The stubborn boy who tried Shales patience in all the best way. But Shale appreciated that so much. He didn't want to be able to get Alan through his money or his charms or even his damned good looks. He didn't even want to catch Alan(though he'd done nearly just that), he wanted Alan to come to Shale of his own free will. If Alan was as easy to obtain as the rest of the things in Shale's life, he would be thrown away just as easy. It seemed partially from the psychological desperate want of something you couldn't have and part from Shales need for a challenge. So the fact that Alan was sitting in the car for all the world a five year old kid with his arms cross just made Shale was to...well, we won't go there. Puffing out a sigh, Shale regarded Alan. He'd known we wouldn't be able to get Alan out of the car without a little effort. Shale shifted on his toes, reaching into the car, basically clambering over Alan's lap to grab at his backpack in the back seat. And he just let his torso lay there, the lower half in Alan's lap, sure that his shirt had rode up or something because he could feel cold air on his skin. He scrounged in his bag for a paper and a pen, knowing he didn't know exactly enough sign language for him to say all he wanted to. He wished he did, and he could try to explain what they were doing there or finger spell it out, but Shale was too impatient. And finger spelling for him was much like writing in English, but perhaps even worse. The speed that Alan sometimes spelled at Shale boggled his mind completely and he'd have to give Alan this little cute look like 'I don't know what the hell you just said'. Finally Shale pulled back, pen in his mouth and a crumpled piece of lined paper in his hand. First thing he could find. Perhaps his writing to Alan was a show of how stubborn Shale could be in return. He crouched so he could write on his knee. Want to take ur sib family tricker treating. They need costumes'

[/size][/colour]” Shale wrote as quick as his mind would allow, the letters shaky. He passed the note to Alan, smiling devilishly, the look almost half crazed. It wasn't really a question, what he wrote, and Shale was sure Alan would never once get Shale to change his mind. Shale was not buying anything for Alan, and therefore Alan could not get mad.

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WORDS | 1029 | TAGS | alan<3 | NOTES |adfsdhrtuitykr
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[Deleted]

you electrify my life ,

[atrb=style, background: #373737; border: dashed #ffffff 4px; border-radius:50px 0px 50px 0px;] [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border: dashed #ffffff 3px; width: 400px; height: 500px; float: left; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 25px; padding-top: 25px;] It was incredibly rare that Alan’s younger siblings ever went anywhere besides school and the house. Natalie typically did all her errands while they were at school, and in most cases the only place she took them was to the doctor’s office when the school required it. There were few other children on the street for them to play with, and at any rate, the lower district of Caroline was hardly a place one let children out to play without supervision. But if there were children, if there were people the same age as any of them, and if it was safe out there, it was still unlikely that any of them would have left the house. The family had a reputation, and if the rest of the neighbors were smart, they would keep their own children away from the Sommers children. Those kids were noisy, destructive, always into everything. And that older boy, the deaf one? He was arrested a few years ago, wasn’t he. Who knew if he was stable yet? For all anyone knew, the hours he spent wandering through town were spent committing more crimes. There was no end to the rumors. Best just to stay away from all of them. But really, it wasn’t a big concern, because none of them came out much. Just to the bus for school, and then they disappeared into the house. Inside the house, where Alan was trapped with them. In that respect, there was really no pleasing Alan; he didn’t want them to leave the house because they were so misbehaved, but he didn’t want them around, either. It was just a hassle, really. Everything was complicated. There were two things, though, that were absolutely certain. The first was that, though what he was doing was incredibly childish, his siblings would never have done the same in his situation. They would have been tearing out of the car, probably running laps around the parking lot, so eager to get inside and see new sights and do new things. Alan, conversely, was being stubborn and staying in the car with no intention of getting out any time soon. The second was that the children in Alan’s family should never be given copious amounts of candy and released into the streets. Everything was wrong with this idea and even if Alan didn’t yet have confirmation that this was the plan, he was not going to get out of the car and cater to it. So he sat still, arms crossed. He would have been staring defiantly out the windshield, too, just to top off the look, had he not already formed the habit of looking at Shale where there was a chance of him saying something. Which was almost always. Which meant that Alan spent an awful lot of time watching Shale, but even though he was trying to make a point at the moment, he couldn’t say that he minded being forced to watch him. Because, well...because it was Shale. And that was a weak spot he had. Something told him he would cave, just like he always did. And then they would walk around the store, and Shale would find things he wanted and Alan would try to argue against everything no matter what he said, but even then he would give in eventually, and Shale would end up paying for something stupid that no one really wanted, something that no one would ever want in their right mind. Alan didn’t see the point in Halloween. He knew the history of it from school and from books he had read, but there didn’t seem to be any modern value in it. There was nothing to be gained from encouraging children to go to strangers’ doors to ask for candy. That opened the window of opportunity to a lot of awful things. Fear, in most cases, was supposed to be a negative emotion, but when it reached October, suddenly it became desirable. It didn’t make sense, and most of the time he didn’t find most of the things scary anyway because he missed the sound element of it. It felt like a waste of time, and he didn’t feel it necessary for anyone to try to change his mind. Yet he would, he knew he would even then, even before Shale explained, because he was a so easily reduced to a puddle in Shale’s hand. It was so unfair, that he ended up being so powerless, but Shale was just very good at making him realize that the things he wanted were actually not exactly what he wanted. In the end, what he wanted usually very closely matched what Shale wanted. Funny how that worked. All in all, Alan didn’t really mind, but it would have been nice if it was at least a little challenging. Alan should have known that Shale’s sign language wasn’t good enough yet to have an entire conversation, but he instead was rather startled when Shale practically dove headfirst into the car, laying across Alan’s lap. Alan’s hands, consequently, which had only moments previously been signing to Shale, were held awkwardly above Shale’s back, not wanting to touch him. That would be a distraction from the cause, he figured, and having Shale draped out over him with his shirt riding up wasn’t really helping at all. To make matters worse, once he had noticed the small patch of exposed skin, somehow he couldn’t look at anything else until it disappeared as Shale stood up and straightened out. He knew quite well by now how difficult reading and writing was for Shale, and that always made it mean so much to him. Every crooked letter that became crooked words in those crooked lines, they were so honest, so terribly Shale. Each word was necessary, meticulously drawn after Shale deliberated what he needed to pen down. Today, unlike most days, Shale managed to write rather quickly, which Alan was glad for. At least, until he read it. He could ignore the spelling mistakes, the abandoned and scribbled out words, any of that. That was all just how Shale wrote, and Alan could excuse it because at least Shale was trying, at least he was fighting it in order to talk to him. No, his problem with the words was what they meant, and the fact that they confirmed his thoughts: his siblings were going to end the night in costume and full of candy. And, judging by the satisfied look on Shale’s face, Shale completely missed all the reasons why that was a terrible idea. No matter how often they talked, it was still difficult. Even if Shale could learn vocabulary as quickly as Alan told it to him, they still wouldn’t have had the time to learn everything it took to have a full conversation. And it still took some deliberation in his end to figure out how to best tell Shale what he needed to say. He had to remember what all he had told Shale and things he might have picked up on his own, and he had to figure out if it was worth it to sign some things and spell others, or if it was better to just write everything down for Shale. Times like this, though, when it was so much more important that the conversation happened quickly, it was frustrating to have to deliberate which difficulty would be less difficult. In the end, he decided to just sign to him, figuring that if he ended up saying anything that he wasn’t sure Shale knew, he could just spell it out for him. This worked out much better in his mind. In his head, it was far more opinionated, had a far better argument. He questioned what on earth made Shale think that that would go over well, or why he thought Natalie would even let that happen, or if had even thought through how he was going to deal with four kids hyped up on sugar and new costumes, or how Alan and Natalie were going to deal with them when they were deposited back at the house for the night. And maybe he would have argued these things, but it required signing for too long, and Shale wouldn’t be able to follow it, which would have made it pointless anyway. So he made a long story short. You a-s-s-u-m-e-d it was okay to take them out without asking? They’re people, Shale, not t-o-y-s. You can’t j-u-s-t dress them up and play with them when you want to. They don’t know you. Natalie doesn’t know you. She’s not going to let you.

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Notes: alan is a sass master, apparently Tag: Shale~! Words: 1473 [/center]

[Deleted]

you electrify my life ,

[atrb=style, background: #373737; border: dashed #ffffff 4px; border-radius:50px 0px 50px 0px;] [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border: dashed #ffffff 3px; width: 400px; height: 500px; float: left; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 25px; padding-top: 25px;] Alan was very good at playing the ‘what-if’ game. It was almost constant in his mind, really. What if he wasn’t deaf, or what if he was but it started later in life, instead of at birth? Or if his mother had been different, if she had taken care of herself and taken care of her children? If he had ever met his father, if he even knew who he was, if he was still around? If he wasn’t gay, if those girls who had been interested in him as a child wouldn’t have gotten bored so easily... What would be different, how much would be different? Maybe the easier question was what wouldn’t be different? And a lot of the time, Alan wanted everything to be different. And so these things spun through his mind, spiraling, weaving themselves into his entire being, embittering him. It became a cycle very quickly; he was angry, and so he would think of the ways that everything could have been better, and he became more angry. Eventually, it became such that he was always that way, was always upset at least a little about something or another. Half the time he didn’t even know what for, but it was what made him snap so easily. He had no patience for his siblings because their actions just built on to what he was already feeling, and it all escalated so quickly. His emotions were fragile because they were already so tightly wound. It showed, too, that he was like this. He wasn’t good at hiding it. Natalie noticed, was constantly asking what was wrong, what his siblings had done or what had happened at school, but there was almost never an answer to that question. Sure, he had a short temper, but more often than not, he was just running off of what was already stored up. He was angry in general, angry at his circumstances and not at people. This, though, this situation, this was different, and it made him wonder why. Alan was legitimately upset now, desperate to know how Shale could have ever imagined it wouldn’t make him like this. But then again, if he wasn’t always angry, would this have bothered him? It was sometimes hard to gage what was an acceptable reason to get upset, and what was just overreaction because he was always overreacting. It was difficult to say if this was normal. Was it okay for someone with his economic condition to refuse to let someone of Shale’s buy him things? He didn’t have much to go off of here. Charity was new. Alan didn’t spend much time with people, and they didn’t find out much about him. Yet here was Shale, and Shale knew he was poor as sin, and Shale wanted to help him. But maybe...maybe he didn’t want that. The fact that he didn’t know made it even harder to be okay with Shale’s proposition, because Shale’s reaction could likely guilt him into a decision. Whatever it was that he wanted, he knew he didn’t want to be controlled by Shale’s emotions. He just didn’t enjoy Shale trying to guilt him into things. It was different if Shale actually persuaded him into doing things, if he appealed to reason, if he made arguments or convinced him with kisses. At least he could give in without too much over-thinking, because at least he could justify it. With this, with Shale trying to bend Alan based on emotional attachment, there was too much thought involved. Shale brought up not being able to know Natalie until Alan introduced them, which rendered his excuses void and just made him feel defensive. He insisted that it was going to help Natalie by giving her a night off, which, despite his own failure to help her, he felt she deserved. It made him feel bad for not wanting to give her that, to be arguing against something that would so easily solve the problem of her overwork. Did it make him a bad person for wanting to keep them at home? Top that all off with Shale saying he’d never had this kind of opportunity before... It wasn’t fair. Alan still couldn’t even justify why it was so important, this whole dressing up and going out at night. It would be better, maybe, to start small, to stay in and let everyone get to know Shale before asking them to behave for him. But that was no good either, because he didn’t want anyone seeing the rest of the house, boyfriend or not. His room was fine. It was neat, organized. Sometimes a bit broken, but eventually he would put it to right. There was control over what Alan’s room looked like, because most of the time he managed to keep the rest of the household out. The cleanliness was his sanctuary in what was such a cluttered mess outside the door. But if Shale was going to meet everyone, it couldn’t be in his room. It would have to be downstairs somewhere, where there was room for seven people. The only place that fit that criteria was the living room, which was very much not okay. Alan’s mother and younger siblings were stunningly good at making messes there, more so than anywhere else in the house. Ashes from countless cigarettes filled trays and spilled onto tables no matter how often Natalie tried to empty them, and the children were infamous for playing in them, spilling them, and generally making more of a mess. On nights when Natalie didn’t have the energy to fight them to go to bed, they spent hours there unsupervised, until their mother eventually showed up and scared them into going to bed. It looked different almost daily, with new clutter and general disorganization appearing there without fail, and Natalie’s steadfast cleaning changed it further, trying to undo everything. These days, Alan tried to avoid going there at all, to the point where he wasn’t even sure what it looked like at the moment. He didn’t want to find out when he was there with Shale, however. It was bad enough, Shale being in his house amongst the mess that was his dysfunctional family, but to have that topped off with the place being exceptionally dirty, that would be worse. There wasn’t much that he could think of to solve this problem, and so he left it go unsolved. He would stand his ground, not letting Shale change his mind. Alan knew what he was talking about, he knew that Shale would find that what he wanted wasn’t right. Shale, Natalie hardly trusts my older siblings with them. Things like that take time. It’s not something that happens in one night. I know you want to mean something to people, but you don’t achieve that by k-i-d-n-a-p-p-i-n-g four children for the evening. You’re not thinking about this r-a-t-i-o-n-a-l-l-y.

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Whatever he told Shale, though, he couldn’t help but be at least a little flattered that Shale wanted this so badly. Flattered, yes, but not to the point of being able to agree with him. He just wished they didn’t have to argue for Shale to understand.[/div]
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Notes: FINALLY DONE OMFG Tag: Shale~! Words: 1238 [/center]

[shale]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,400,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://colourlovers.com.s3.amazonaws.com/images/patterns/0/635.png)][atrb=style, padding: 10px;] before i learned his name - - - We were already asleep. When I woke up in my coffin, he was nowhere to be seen. Was it all a dream? Who can I believe? It can't be what it seems. It was only Halloween, what does it all mean? Everybody scream, everybody scream, if it's Halloween Despite his wealth, shale would never use his money to push people around. He knew money was power, but he never used it that way. Money was just such a part of his life that he lost the value in it. Everything had been given to him, so one hundred dollars to him was like twenty to someone else, it wasn't a big deal. However, he was also not one for charity. It would have been nice to say he believed in the value of a hard earned dollar, but Shale didn't have any context in which to understand that concept. He was, in short, extremely spoiled, and behaved as such. He knew that Alan disliked it generally when Shale bought him things, he'd figured that much out. Though, Alan accepted them often enough for Shale to be unable to see how big of a problem it was to the much less fortunate boy. Alan had nothing, and probably wanted for less. Though Shale wanted for little, it was different then Alan. Shale lacked want because he could acquire anything he wanted, Alan lacked want because he could not. Very different stories with the same end in sight. Shale measured his life by the amount of things he had, sadly. When he was older, it was certain he would have a large house, not to accommodate his family, but only because he could. Though, perhaps Alan could teach Shale a few things. So of course it was obvious to Shale he wasn't trying to flatter or butter anyone up with the mass of things he could buy. He simply didn't see this was how Alan's family would take it, and probably without direct statement of this fact, he would not see this. All of this was just Alan being stubborn again. Shale had never had a boyfriend this difficult. The others loved it when Shale bought them things, eating up his only way of showing his emotions. Shale could learn a lot from Alan. Eventually he would come to realize a holding of a hand could be much more comforting than buying a 500 dollar gift. However, as it were, he found himself growing more and more frustrated with the boy. The worst thing was the fact that he couldn't understand Alan, ever. He'd been attracted to that mystery at first, but it was growing old fast. “I wasn't going to kidnap anyone Alan!” Shale found himself shouting the words suddenly, shattering the silence between them. He stood up, away from the boy, looking away, at the costume store, the parking lot around them. And a happy family, walking into the store. A mother and father and two little boys, chattering and holding onto their parents hands, love and happiness so obvious on their faces. Shale sighed, his face dropping. Why was it so easy for everyone else, so simple, to find that perfection? He wished his family was like that, his father accepting, not judgemental. His mother loving, not so wrapped up in Shales grandfathers business she hardly had time for anything else. Shale had never had anything close to a family, and he was subconsciously desperate to belong somewhere, with someone. The only place he could find that would be with another's family, hopefully, one that would accept him and love him as their own. Shale didn't realize this, but it was what motivated him, his fingers curling around the top of the car door, looking back down at Alan. Shale knew he could charm Alan into this, trick him, cajole him, kiss him until he bent, broke. Shale knew what power he had over his boyfriend. Thing was, this was important. Shale didn't just want Alan to agree because Shale forced him too, Shale needed Alan to want this too. Want this as badly as Shale wanted it. And he didn't know what was stopping Alan, why he seemed so reluctant. And all Shale had to go off of was Alan's words, convinced Alan was telling the truth. But even now, Shale could tell Alan was hiding something. He wanted to know what, there weren't supposed to be hiding anything, or, at least as far as Shale was concerned. But he felt some reason was needed, some words, some comfort, and he looked down at Alan again, fingers still curled around the top of the door, trying to read that damn unreadable expression. Shale crouched down again, between the pavement and the car door, half tempted to curl in the car against Alan's chest, as childish as that seemed. “Alan...” Shale signed, looking down at the ground for a moment, hands floating of the letter n, fingers playing with a rock for a moment. Embarrassedly he shuffled forward in the dirt, taking his hand and grabbing Alans, lacing their fingers together. Effectively, neither of them could talk right now, or at least not very well. “I-m s-o-r-r-y,” he finger spelled, crouching there in the damn dirt with his hand in Alans and a soft look on his face and every bone in his body telling him to get up. He didn't want to concede defeat, and he certainly wasn't, but perhaps he could meet Alan somewhere like halfway. He'd already broken the cardinal rule, never apologize. “I n-e-v-e-r c-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e-d H-a-l-o-w-e-e-n. T-h-o-u-g-h-t t-h-i-s w-a-s a g-o-o-d i-d-e-a...” he hesitated, dropping his head down again, not sure if the feeling in his gut was revulsion at his own actions or something else. He dropped the pretence of speaking, feeling very much like the first time he met Alan. Instead he just conceded to sit there in silence, fingers looped loosely with Alans. Silence was always their base point, their go to when words didn't suffice. Shale would be content to sit forever with Alan in silence, though not if it meant he couldn’t meet Alan’s family. Perhaps he had this all wrong, maybe meeting Alan's family, full of noise and energy, would shatter something between them. However, he had to at least try. WORDS | 1006 | TAGS | alan<3 | NOTES |this took long enough sdfsdg

template by eliza @ shadowplay

[Deleted]

you electrify my life ,

[atrb=style, background: #373737; border: dashed #ffffff 4px; border-radius:50px 0px 50px 0px;] [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border: dashed #ffffff 3px; width: 400px; height: 500px; float: left; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 25px; padding-top: 25px;] It was hard to say exactly when in his life Alan had realized the extent of his family’s poverty. Young children don’t often notice these things. It takes time, it takes so many times of being told, ‘No, we can’t afford that,’ it takes experience in the world of money before anyone can really understand that their family doesn’t have much money at all. He supposed they were lucky to be getting by at all; all the bills were paid and usually on time, they had enough food to keep all of them alive, and they still managed to do those things even despite his mother’s fondness for drugs and booze. But there wasn’t much besides that. If something in the house broke, then it would be broken for ages, until there was somehow money to spare for it. They had once spent four months without the refrigerator because they had to wait until Mark had saved up enough money to buy them a new one. Their home was perpetually falling apart and they simply couldn’t keep up with it to put it back together. And, though he didn’t know when it first clicked for him, Alan missed the days where he could be ignorant to what they didn’t have and couldn’t have. It had been so much easier to just live and enjoy life back then. Since his enlightenment, as it were, Alan had been that much more sensitive to money. True, it hadn’t made him think twice before he started smoking, it didn’t make him stop putting holes in his walls, didn’t often affect his life at all. But he did react when someone insisted on spending money on senseless things for him, and, while he could understand why Shale wanted to do these things, he couldn’t justify it, couldn’t let Shale be so wasteful. He understood Shale’s wish to treat him, but that didn’t mean he thought it was okay. He hadn’t realized, though, that Shale was so set on this idea, that he was growing so upset by the mere discussion of the subject, that he was to the point of yelling at him. It startled him, making him jump slightly even though he couldn’t hear it. Over the years he had gotten good at seeing the distinction between yelling and speaking, just by looking at the way people moved their faces. And as Shale stood up in front of him, he contemplated the end. Of course, he hardly believed that they would break up over this petty, insignificant fight, and he wasn’t worried about that. But everything had to end, and, being a pessimist, Alan knew that as well as anything. Eventually something would have to give, something would push them too far, and that would be it. And if it didn’t, if they managed to weather all the bad with the good, then one of them would die on the other, in the end. Heartbreak or death. Those were the options. Alan hated that he thought that way, that all it took was the tiniest argument to set him off considering the end of their relationship. He stared up at Shale to distract himself, wondering what Shale was thinking, if he ever had that irrational fear of the end. When Shale met his eye again, he held his gaze, as if that would allow him to easier read what was going on in Shale’s mind. Shale taking his hands effectively had a similar effect on his mind as if someone had blindfolded him. He hated not being able to see because it essentially made the world around him disappear, and that was so unnerving. With both hands in Shale’s, however, he had no way of speaking, and that was just as bad. There was something about his handicap that made the rest of his abilities so much more important, and when one of them was taken away, it drove him crazy. Even as he noted how Shale looked almost broken, almost defeated, he couldn’t focus completely because he was distracted by his feeling of helplessness, of being unable to communicate at all. It was a relief, then, when Shale let go of one hand to start spelling words out to him, even if what he was saying seemed almost to be an attempt to guilt him into agreeing. Alan sighed silently, watching Shale carefully even after the latter had dropped his gaze. He didn’t want to cave, to just go with Shale’s insane idea simply because he looked so terribly sad and pathetic at the time. But he didn’t want to keep arguing, either, and he knew Shale was the less likely of the two of them to give up what he wanted. Squeezing Shale’s hand to make him look back at him, he spelled things out with his free hand. C-a-n y-o-u j-u-s-t a-s-k n-e-x-t t-i-m-e s-o I k-n-o-w w-h-a-t y-o-u w-a-n-t?

[/color][/font] he asked, hoping the entire time that Shale didn’t feel too smug with his victory. G-o a-h-e-a-d a-n-d b-u-y w-h-a-t y-o-u w-a-n-t f-o-r m-y s-i-b-l-i-n-g-s, b-u-t I c-a-n-t p-r-o-m-i-s-e t-h-a-t N-a-t-a-l-i-e w-i-l-l l-e-t y-o-u t-a-k-e t-h-e-m o-u-t. A-n-d I-m n-o-t w-e-a-r-i-n-g a c-o-s-t-u-m-e.[/color][/font]

It would make the kids happy, at least, to get something new. It happened so rarely. Alan supposed that, even if Natalie wouldn’t let them go out, they would be happy just for a change, something for their own.

Of course, now that Alan had given the okay, all he had to worry about was coming out to his family and introducing them to his boyfriend.[/div]
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Notes: fskfsaf Tag: Shale~! Words: 1056 [/center]

[shale]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,400,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://colourlovers.com.s3.amazonaws.com/images/patterns/0/635.png)][atrb=style, padding: 10px;] before i learned his name - - - We were already asleep. When I woke up in my coffin, he was nowhere to be seen. Was it all a dream? Who can I believe? It can't be what it seems. It was only Halloween, what does it all mean? Everybody scream, everybody scream, if it's Halloween None of the Locke’s in existence had ever given to charity. That was not their mode of operation. Locke's believed in hard earned money through intelligence, power and most of all, pushing the little guy down. They believed the poor deserved to be poor without excuse of bad education, falling on bad circumstance, or the wealth of their family. The poor were poor simply because of laziness, a lack of perseverance, sloth. Locke's would not condone that action nor support it. Shale was just like them from birth, raised to think this way. Of course, this didn't mean he thought Alan was lazy nor was his family. Money was so unimportant to Shale because of the absolute wealth of it he had that he didn't even consider much the fact that Alan was poor. This would never be charity, he didn't believe in charity. And why give charity to his boyfriend? It was utter nonsense. Shale was not expecting Alan to give in, for some reason, he'd given up. The first of that in history, he was sure, a Locke giving up. He was tired of fighting and obviously Alan didn't want this as much as Shale did. Perhaps they would only be together for a few months before something drew them apart, Alan would probably get bored with Shale, move onto bigger and better things, leaving Shale for once heartbroken. He didn't know why he was so attached to Alan. It was one hell of an attachment though because Shale was willing to give up something he'd been obsessing over for weeks for Alan, even if it meant the inevitable end of their relationship. Of course, it would end eventually, Shale just hoped for later rather than sooner. He glanced up as Alan squeezed his hand, watching him spell out words, piecing them together in his head. A wide smile cropped up over his previous calm face, crinkling the edges of his eyes. Stupid, damn Alan and his stubborn mind. “Thank you” he signed with his free hand, shifting so he was kneeling. Before straightening up, shale leaned into the car, beaming still at Alan's face. Shale kissed Alan, slow and deliberate, tracing his free hand through Alan's hair. He wanted his appreciation to be felt, because this was so important. And maybe his little depressed act and the smiles and everything was playing it all up a bit, but Shale did appreciate the fact that Alan was willing to go through with this for Shale, even if it was a bit of an idiotic idea. That was the charm of it though, it was just so stupid. Shale parted from the kiss, standing from the car, pulling Alan's hand softly. Finally they would venture into the Halloween shop. Shale wasn't bothered much by Alan saying he wouldn't wear a costume, just yet another battle Shale would eventually win. WORDS | 480 | TAGS | alan<3 | NOTES | D: it's so short dammit

template by eliza @ shadowplay

[Deleted]

you electrify my life ,

[atrb=style, background: #373737; border: dashed #ffffff 4px; border-radius:50px 0px 50px 0px;] [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border: dashed #ffffff 3px; width: 400px; height: 500px; float: left; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 25px; padding-top: 25px;] It really didn’t feel like a failure. But then again, it never did when Shale was the one arguing with him, when Shale was the one making him change his mind. Even his own arguments seemed feeble and irrelevant in his memory, the points that had once seemed so important crumbling and fading away until he wondered why exactly it had been such an argument anyway. Certainly this wasn’t healthy in a relationship, for one partner to be so controlling of the other’s mind, but Alan found he didn’t care about that, either. Health wasn’t high on his list of priorities, relationship or otherwise. And maybe he wanted someone to argue with him and change his mind. It wasn’t as though there were many people like that in his life. Natalie was the only one that had really tried, but she always gave up too early to do anything. Shale, though, Shale was stubborn in a way that rivaled even Alan, and in that they were perfect. When Shale signed thank you, Alan tilted his head in an offhand sort of way, gesturing that it didn’t matter, that there was no real need to thank him. He hadn’t really done anything to deserve thanks, anyways. Shale had the idea, Shale brought them here, Shale was going to be paying for everything. Alan was essentially just along for the ride. He should’ve remembered, though, that Shale never just said thank you with words. Even if Alan didn’t think it constituted even a sign, Shale would need to prove that he appreciated what Alan was doing. The sensations he got from kissing Shale were still things that Alan still couldn’t believe he was feeling. He had always thought that fireworks were a literary device, that it couldn’t actually feel that way, but it did. And so when Shale kissed him to thank him for finally agreeing, he decided that he could suffer through this thank you. He felt Shale’s hand in his hair and had to resist reciprocating, considering that they had things to do, and they couldn’t just make out in the middle of a costume shop parking lot, with Shale half in the car leaning over him. Or, well... they shouldn’t. Shale seemed to realize this as well, since he pulled away after a moment and stood up, pulling Alan with him. Did you have any costume ideas for them or are you just going to find them while you’re in there?

[/color][/font] he signed once he was standing and Shale had let go of his hand. He refused to say ‘we’ because he still wanted to avoid having too much to do with this idea, but he wanted to have a general idea how long this was going to take. If Shale was just waiting for inspiration, this could take a while.[/div]
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Notes: this took way longer than it should have Tag: Shale~! Words: 483 [/center]