burning like a slow flame on, (c)

[bradley jane st. landry]

& i'd trade all my tomorrows &

FOR JUST ONE YESTERDAY

after spending the majority of the day shopping and running other errands, bradley stopped by the daycare for the second time that morning. she was greeted by a girlish shriek of delight as a warm bundle of brown curls and energy came hurtling her way. elaine giggled all the way to the car, chattering nonstop about this thing and that thing, eventually convincing bradley a trip to the park was necessary.

"i have groceries, elaine," bradley sighed, glancing at the little girl in her rear view mirror. despite her protest, she turned the car down the street to the park anyway, unable to suppress a smile at elli's cry of delight when the park came into view.

"groceries can wait!" elli exclaimed, cheering and clapping her hands. carefully, bradley parked the car and helped her daughter out of the car, snagging the little girl's hand as they headed over to a grassy spot near some of the toys. settling herself in the shade, bradley said, "be careful, elaine," and then let her daughter dart off to go and play on the swings.

she was growing up faster than bradley expected her to. had it already been four years since she'd been home, since she'd spoken to her parents? she'd sent them a postcard once - we're doing absolutely fine, this is one of our stops, elaine sends her love - but she'd sent it from a hotel so that they wouldn't be able to find her. of course she missed her parents desperately, and she had always wanted her children to have grandparents to love and be spoiled by, but that just wasn't how things had worked out. did she regret how things had turned out? maybe some parts - she wished she would have stayed and just convinced her parents to let her keep elaine, but she also knew that it wouldn't have worked that way.

bradley was broken out of her reverie when she heard a swift, short cry of pain. people did always say that mothers had a good sense of which child's cry was their own, even in a park full of children - and she immediately knew it was elaine. in a matter of seconds, the brunette was up on her feet and locating her sweet-faced four-year-old on the bark of the playground, kneeling in front of her.

"what's wrong, baby?" bradley exclaimed, wiping the tears from elli's face. the tiny brunette clutched her knee and wailed, burying her face into bradley's neck. with a soft sigh, she pried elli's fingers away from the tiny scrape and tsked her tongue, murmuring, "oh, sweetie," before she leaned down and kissed it. it didn't take that long for elli's wails to subside into soft sniffles made against the crook of bradley's shoulder and neck as she hoisted the little girl into her arms and cradled her.

"see, it's not so bad, huh?" she cooed, humming and holding her daughter close."just a little scrape. doesn't it feel better already?"

"no," elli mumbled miserably, sniffling again. "i have a big cut now, mommy, and it hurts really really bad."

bradley was sure it didn't hurt that bad, but then again, she didn't mind coddling her daughter for a little longer. laughing, she kissed elli's hair and hoisted her more comfortably on her hip. "i'm sure you'll be just fine."

NOELL. ###. OUTFIT. YAY DRAMA. © ANISE.

[noell harper castell]

tell me how to feel like i did when we were young

The Words: ~800 The tags: bradder bears The Notes hopefully this is goooood~

purchasing alcohol had become a natural part of his routine. Like breathing, eating, moving from hotel to hotel, it was just something he had to constantly be thinking about. Never too much, but never run out either. For the past month or so, noell had lived from hotel to hotel, out of his suitcase, never bothering to try and settle somewhere. He'd stay in towns from week to week, but he never felt content in one place. Mostly because he was searching, looking, and he felt frantic. He couldn't stay in one spot, because it was no telling how far she had moved, where she had gone. Four years was a long time, she could have gone anywhere. Noell would be living in hotels for months to come, however long it took, he didn't care. Noell didn't think about the amount of money he had left, nor the infinite places he could search. He'd come this far, he wasn't about to stop now. If he did, he didn't know what would become of him. He'd already destroyed the past four years of his life, this was his only flame of hope left.

The guilt that had made a permanent home at the bottom of his stomach was what drew noell again and again to the brown paper bag clutched in his loose fist. Guilt over four years gone, four years that he was alone. Noell never knew why she had left, still had no clue. He'd only heard through her parents that she had gone, and he was there, and he couldn't do anything. In cliche fashion, his grades had dropped, he'd been kicked out of his sports teams, his parents began to look at him with the classic disappointed look adults often got. He graduated high school, but just barely. Noell didn't move on, didn't get a job, didn't go to school. Most days were spent in his room, downing bootlegged alcohol until he could by himself. He wasn't sure when it started, the drinking, sometime in the haze after he found out she left. When her parents had finally come clean to noell about why she left, the pregnancy, they didn't tell him that they had wanted their daughter to have an abortion and that was ultimately why she left. Thus, noell assumed it was because of him, because she was worried he would no longer love her because of the child, that he would leave her and she was taking preemptive matters to avoid the heartbreak by running away. Noell didn't try to pretend to understand it, he just knew he had to have her back.

The town he was in was just like all the others he had visited. She could have been in a larger city, but noell stuck around the small towns now, figuring a girl like her would be easy to spot with less people around. The places started to blur together, he forgot the names and the histories, only to be remembered when he finally crossed a dot off his map. The park he walked through now looked just like the others. With the smiling mothers, the proud fathers, and him with only the companionship of a brown paper bag. He could have been that man, pushing his daughter on the swing. He could be scooping up his son, being a father, being with his girl. Noell didn't know what he was looking for anymore, how likely he was to find her, but he couldn't stop trying. If he just could find her, things would be right again. He supposed he could ask a few woman at the park if they'd seen her, but many of them didn't like a man hanging around without a child of his own, three day stubble on his face and his clothes a little worse for wear. Perhaps he could ask at least one person though, even the slightest human contact could bring up his mood. It was at that point a sharp cry from the bright colours drew noells attention from staring contemplatively into the bag in his hands. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, but he aught to leave now, go back to the hotel, drown his sorrows once more. He caught sight of the woman rushing to help her child, though the woman didn't seem too old now, not nearly as old as the others. Noell watched her, getting to his feet slowly, eyeing the familiar body. He couldn't feel hopeful, not anymore, there had been so many false positives. But still. It had to be, it had to, even if his eyes were playing tricks on him or it was another dream or it was just the remnants of a rough night. “Bradley jane?” he hated the way his voice sounded so hopeful, so broken, but he had to try.

created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

[bradley jane st. landry]

& i'd trade all my tomorrows &

FOR JUST ONE YESTERDAY

The problem was that Bradley had let herself get comfortable. It was easy to do once you fell into a routine – work, work, come home, cuddle with baby girl, sleep, return to work; she had been sure that she covered every track that she possibly could, that she had done everything in her power to remain distant and far away and nothing but a memory. She’d let her parents remember her as a beautiful fool, the best kind of thing a girl could be in a town like theirs – a silly, rosy-cheeked girl, beloved daughter who made a mistake. She didn’t want them seeing her as a club dancer, a woman who perhaps worked too much but loved her own daughter so dearly that it didn’t matter how much, precisely, she worked. As long as Elaine is happy is the firm belief that she had gone by for those past four years.

Again, that wasn’t to say she didn’t miss the life that she’d had. Things had been good when they were good. She’d had the perfect boyfriend, good grades, a nice college lined up to attend. From the start, almost, her life had been carefully planned out by both she and her parents in such a fashion that she was certain it would have ended up perfect. It had been an unspoken rule that she would stay with Noell until they decided otherwise – and why would they have decided otherwise? They were perfect for each other. They had been in love, in such a way that all of Bradley Jane’s silly little girlfriends had been so envious of. No, Bradley thought wistfully, that had been a different time, a different Bradley St. Landry. That had been Bradley-Without-Elaine, and why would she want that anymore when Elaine was the loveliest thing to happen to her?

You can imagine, then, the rush of panic she felt when she first heard a male voice say, ”Bradley Jane?” There were only so many men in the world that called her that – a whopping two – and for the briefest of moments Bradley was certain her father had found her. In that instant, a cold fear drizzled down her spine and the thought he’s going to take Lainey away ran through her mind, but when she turned, clutching Elaine to her and preparing to flee, it wasn’t her father she saw but instead a far more familiar face.

It should have been strange to her, to feel as if Noell’s face was more familiar to her than her own father’s. Perhaps it was because it had been him on her mind the most frequently these past years, wondering if he hated her, if he had moved on from her, if he was happy – if he had done something in response to her disappearance, something that she ought to feel guilty about. But how could she feel guilty about it if she didn’t know? Seeing Noell’s face erased some of the fear and replaced it with relief and nervousness that twisted in her stomach so violently she was rendered speechless for a few moments.

”Noell?” Bradley replied, and the name tasted foreign – but easy and nice – on her tongue, a name that she hadn’t spoken in so long. She had thought about trying to call once or twice – thought about it – but he would have certainly told her parents and they would have traced her. She shouldn’t have even deigned to send a post card, not after her mother suggested abortion as if it were a viable option. She’s part me, Bradley had shouted at her mother, did you want to abort me too? It had been a low blow, but a necessary one, Bradley had felt – and she’d regretted it later, but not nearly enough to apologize properly. No, her apology had been a note and an empty bedroom.

Taking a tentative step forward, she gently set Elaine on the ground and peered at Noell. He looked rough. She didn’t know how long he’d been on the road, or if he’d just stopped taking care of himself, or both – either way, it made her heart hurt a little as she took Elaine’s hand and headed toward him. He wasn’t as far away as he’d sounded.

”What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice suddenly softer. Of course she knew what he was doing there – looking for her – but how he’d found her would probably have been a more appropriate question. She cleared her throat and glanced down at Elaine, whose tears had stopped and whose gaze was now fixed curiously on this man that her mother seemed familiar with.

”Mama,” Elaine began, ”who is that?”

The words stuck in Bradley’s throat. Elaine’s trusting gaze - wide, blue, and beautiful, just like her father’s – was fixed on Bradley now, questioning. But Bradley only looked back at Noell, the relief in her gaze drifting away for wariness.

”Did my parents send you?” she asked, clearing her throat so that the words came out easier. ”I’m not going back – not with you, not alone, not with anyone. I’m staying here with Elaine.” That wasn’t what she wanted to say. She wanted to say I miss you, I missed you, are you staying? Will you stay? Do you hate me?” ”Elli, why don’t you go play on the swings for a minute?” Bradley asked gently. Elaine hesitated for a moment – she was smart for a four year old and could sense the tension – but after a minute the little girl happily tottered off to the swings. Bradley straightened up, looking at Noell, trembling the tiniest bit. ”I don’t – I don’t know where to start. Do you hate me?”

NOELL. ###. OUTFIT. SOBBING FEELS © ANISE.

[noell harper castell]

]

tell me how to feel like i did when we were young

The Words: 995 The tags: bradder bear The Notes HAVE SOME MORE FEELS

Seeing her again, watching her turn around and face him, knowing it was Bradley, his Bradley. It hurt, it hurt because it had been four years and she wasn't running into his arms, she wasn't calling his name. Noell could remember countless times, sneaking up behind her, placing his wide hands on her waist, whispering her name in her ear and she would jump and turn around, exclaiming he'd scared her but it was all smiles. Bradley Jane was always smiles and beauty and nothing could be wrong with his girl. She'd grown, since noell last saw her. She'd always been growing, but he could see it now. It was the absence that made it real, but the change in the both of them that outlined it. Noell didn't know what to say, what to do but take in a deep sharp breath that it was her, and it was like the first taste of air he'd gotten in decades.

The heartbreak and love swirled around his head, he couldn't take his eyes of the girl, woman now he supposed, she was older. He'd never moved on, never fallen out of love, that was impossible. Bradley Jane was all that noell ever knew and all that he ever wanted to know. His parents had tried to tell him to move on, tried to console him, but he hadn't budged an inch. They had mourned the loss as well. Their planning had been so careful, so precise, and Bradley had ruined it. He could never blame her however, not his Bradley Jane, she didn't have a fault. He'd done something wrong, he'd missed out, messed up and that ended up with her fleeing the country. Noell would make things up, even now as his own life had fallen in around his head. That didn't matter. Noell was sure that now they were together, things would go back to normal. He didn't know if they would go back or where they would end up, though the words of bradleys father echoed in his ears. ”Bring my baby back, bring her back and make a respectable woman out of her”

The existence of his child had only been known to noell for the past few months, and he had to wrap his head around that fact. He'd noted a certain air of disappointment when bradley's parents had informed him. Noell was young, he was in love, they were bound to make mistakes. In his endless affair with the bottle, he often thought about what would have happened if Bradley would have told him. Noell told himself that he would have let her have the child, would have married her. They were going to get married anyway, why bother waiting until they were older? They could raise the child together, and instead Bradley ran. He wasn't sure why, and that was one reason he was here. Here looking at Bradley, and now, the child at her side. His child, his daughter. noell hadn't even known the gender until now.

Both drunk and sober, noell assumed as soon as he saw his child, a connection would be formed. Parents often said fathers did not become fathers until they saw their child, or held it. Noell never held any disdain towards children, he was great with them in fact, great with everything. The little girl was beautiful, charming, a cute little thing, but it was his? the idea seemed terrifying and perplexing and wonderful all at once. There were too many things to consider, he'd mainly been focused on Bradley He felt a connection to the girl, watching how she clung to Bradley, but he wasn't sure if because Bradley clung back or his fatherly instincts were kicking in.

“I'm here for you,” hearing her ask tugged at his heart, what was left of it anyway. She should have known, should have guessed noell would scour the world for her, whatever it took. Even if she hated him, blamed him, wanted him gone, he wouldn't go without a fight. Noell had drowned himself over her. He couldn't help but watch her again, he was always astounded by her beauty, her cadence, and he didn't know if it was love but it was there. The little girl spoke, her voice was light and strong, and noell was hit with the fact that the girl was four years old already and could speak and walk and was playing on swings and Bradley had been all by herself for all of this and why had she left.

noell was struck dumb by her words, feeling his tongue roll to the back of his throat. He'd never been at a loss for words, not with Bradley, but he felt empty inside without her by his side. She was obviously angry, noell knew Bradley well enough to hear that tone in her voice, and he tried not to think that it was at him, for showing up, ruining her life again. Her last question broke him out of his mind, his eyes widening, meeting hers. “How could I ever hate you, ba-” the endearment was cut short, he didn't know if he were allowed to call Bradley that anymore. It felt so much like pleading, but that was what he'd been doing, pleading for her to come back. He cleared his throat, sensing the tension and hating himself for it. “Your parents told me why you left, and where you last were. I came by myself. You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to,” his voice was soft and sweet, and he just wanted to hold her in his arms again. He wanted to ask the same of Bradley, if she hated him, though he was sure she did, but his attention was grabbed by the little girl on the swings now. He could be pushing her.

“Elaine?” he asked, the name felt good, wholesome, right. “she's beautiful, a lot like you.”

created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

[bradley jane st. landry]

& i'd trade all my tomorrows &

FOR JUST ONE YESTERDAY

there was a part of bradley that wished she had never sent that postcard - but there was a larger part, one that was so utterly relieved to have noell in her life again, that was grateful she'd sent that post card. if she hadn't, noell might not have ever found her. if she hadn't, her heart might not be twisting in her chest like it was right then.

i came for you, is what he said, and she knew that - she knew that he had come for her - but it had been the first thing to come to her lips. she tried to figure out how to answer that, swallowing thickly. i know, maybe, or i've waited for you. either way, the words didn't come; no language graced her tongue, no perfect words to fix everything, to mend the gap that might have grown between them in the four years that they'd been part. bradley fiddled uncomfortably with the sleeve of her cardigan, wondering briefly if this is what it was supposed to feel like. was it uncomfortable because she still loved him, desperately?

taking a few more tentative steps forward landed her closer to him, and it was almost overwhelming, being this close to noell again. she wanted to throw her arms around his neck, kiss him, hear him call her bradley jane in that tone that she loved. how could she ask that of him, though, after what she'd put him through?

when he said you don't have to do anything you don't want to, bradley immediately felt taken aback at the realization of her hostility. he was talking to her like she was a vicious animal backed into a corner - because that was precisely how she'd reacted. it had only been about elaine for the past four years - little of her effort had been put into making sure she had been happy. noell's reappearance made her think maybe her parents were there, that they were going to take elaine away - and suddenly she realized that he was alone, that he'd come all this way just for her, and she wanted to take back her hostile words more than anything in her life.

that quickly changed to she's beautiful, and the words made bradley suck in a sharp little breath. she'd forgotten how much elaine looked like him until he was standing right in front of her. shyly, bradley reached out to touch his cheek, studying his worn face with soft, sad blue eyes. her hand hesitated halfway there.

"she has your eyes," she murmured, clearing her throat quietly. "and your smile, especially when she's in trouble." bradley laughed fondly at the thought, but she felt like she was going to cry, her voice shaking. for a moment she was quiet; she struggled to compose herself, to make the tears prickling at the edge of her vision go away, but hervoice didn't come out nearly as strong as she would have wished when she said, "i've missed you, noell."

she paused again, finally letting her fingertips run across his cheekbone, drinking in the familiarity of his face. it didn't hit her how much she'd missed him until she had him back - she didn't realize that the dull ache in her heart had not been for her parents, but for him, until it flared up violently at the sight of him again. "i wanted to call," she explained. her voice was still unsteady. "i wanted to, but i couldn't risk my parents finding me - i wasn't going to let them take elaine away, noell."

letting their gazes meet, bradley retracted her hand carefully, hating the way she could feel her lips tremble because of the overwhelming urge to cry. not here, not in public, not in front of everyone, she thought desperately. this had been the boy that she had been ready to marry - now, he was a man who looked infinitely tired, and bradley could not help but feel like it was her fault. still, she prayed he was the same noell he had been when they'd been together. he'd said he didn't hate her, right?

"you can still call me that, you know," she continued quietly, wishing that he would have said baby or darling. instead of saying i love you or please stay, she went on, "i'm still - i mean, you're -"

she couldn't get the words out. she felt ridiculous, with her cheeks burning and the guilt and shame twisting around in her stomach, so she turned and put on a little smile, motioning for elaine to come over. the little girl had been waiting patiently on the swings, but at the signal from her mother, hurried over and threw her arms around bradley's legs.

"baby," bradley began carefully, picking elaine up into her arms, "this is noell. he's - he's a very special person to me." she hesitated and pressed a little kiss to the girl's forehead. turning back to noell, she gave him a smile - warm, easy, the way it used to be - and brushed some of the hair out of elaine's face. "do you -" she paused, biting her lip. "do you want - to tell her? or should i?"

NOELL. ###. OUTFIT. WOOT WOOT. © ANISE.

[noell harper castell]

tell me how to feel like i did when we were young

The Words: ### The tags: bradder bear The Notes :c

What now? Noell couldn't help but wondering that, he'd only planned as far as finding Bradley. Finding her, getting her back, and yes, taking her home. That was blown out the window as soon as she said she wasn't going back. Noell would do everything for this girl, even if it meant abandoning his family. He'd already ran away from them, buying a whole new car with cash once he'd bussed far away enough. When her parents had told him what happened, where bradley was, he was sure they meant for him to go find him. if they would tell his parents, who were very good friends of theirs, he didn't know. They all expected him to come back, noell knew that, but what could they do? bradley was obviously against the idea, and noell didn't know if that meant she was against going back to him as well.

she has my eyes, and my smile, noell didn't know what to think of that. the little girl had things like his, she was a part of him. there was now this living thing that tied noell and bradley together, who needed marriage when they had that? noell hardly felt connected, though, hardly felt like a part of bradleys life any longer. she'd removed him and he felt out of place, trying to weasel his way back in. he couldn't pretend it was for elaines sake either, or that it wasn't entirely selfish. he wanted to take bradley in his arms again, rest his nose against her neck, see if she still smelled the same, felt the same. he was hers and she was his and that was all that mattered, right? he could see the tears at the edges of his eyes and wasn't sure why they were there. it was his fault, he knew that much. at least she wasn't yelling at him, at least she wasn't running away. noell had to compose himself, swallow past the growing lump in his throat. he wanted to say i love you, a thousand times over, but was scared how much it would hurt when bradley couldn't say it back.

"bradley jane, i-" his voice stopped dead as her fingers touched his cheek, and he had to stop himself from leaning into the touch, from grabbing her hand and holding it there, kissing her fingers. he didn't know what he was going to say but now it was gone and he didn't know if he couldn't stand to look at her or had to look away. he'd seen the way she reached out to him and stopped, heard the way her voice trembled when she said she missed him. he supposed he could return the sentiment but his mind was trying to memorize the way her fingers felt against his skin. noell knew that he'd been forgetting things, or at least the memory had grown dull in his memory. it was all so sharp now, pushing against his heart. "i'm sorry" he murmured, looking at her and it was like trying to say i love you, please take me back, please don't leave again.

"they wouldn't take her, they couldn't" he felt sure of the fact, but his voice wavered, his gaze was questioning. they wanted bradley back almost as much as noell did. he was sure they wanted to see their granddaughter, hold the little girl, and get their own little girl back. noell couldn't see them taking away the child for any reason, even if noell didn't marry bradley right away. he would, but they needed to get their life in order again. he wanted to call her baby, love, roll over in the middle of the nights she slept over and pull her into his body, murmuring theres my girl.

a very special person to me, not your father, my boyfriend, the love of my life, but it was something, it was there. he still mattered. dad, was he allowed to say that, looking at the little girl. what was a father who hadn't been in the girls life until she was four years old, already old enough to understand what dad meant. did bradley tell her about him? did elaine even know who her father was? it didn't seem so, but the girl must have known she had one, she seemed bright. it only made sense, bradley was the same way. he swallowed, looking at the little girl at bradleys hip, her blue eyes did see to reflect his own. "hey" baby girl, it sounded right but noell cut it off, again, waiting maybe for things to feel a little less like pain. he was smiling, the first time in a long time, easing himself into normality. "I don't know if br - your mama's told you this, but," the words felt strange on his tongue, that his bradley jane was a mother. he wanted to look at bradley for approval, but the little girls curios gaze was captivating. "I'm your dad."

created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

[bradley jane st. landry]

& i'd trade all my tomorrows &

FOR JUST ONE YESTERDAY

they wouldn't take her, they couldn't. bradley almost laughed. it wouldn't have been humorous, though; it would have been dry, dead, because she supposed they hadn't told noell that part of her disappearance. she supposed her parents hadn't deigned to tell him that they'd told her, under no circumstances, would she be keeping elaine; that they would grateful they had told her so early on, because it meant that there was still time for the abortion; that it was best for the family. bradley hadn't handled it well. before she had even been born, elaine had been so acutely a part of bradley's life that the very idea of losing her had nearly torn bradley apart.

she didn't laugh, though. she smiled dryly and kissed elaine's cheek as if the little girl were to be treasured - and she was. there would be time enough to tell noell what her parents had suggested before she ran. time when elaine wasn't around to hear that her own grandparents didn't even want her.

the brunette watched watched noell, carefully gauging his reaction. he seemed to be trying for something - happiness? familiarity? - and his smile was well on the way to that. when he explained that he was elaine's father, bradley's gaze turned to her daughter. elaine seemed relatively un-fazed by this newfound knowledge, aside from the curiosity that was now lighting up her vibrant gaze.

"mama's told me about you," elaine said, her tone positively light as she wriggled in bradley's arms to get down. once her little feet were touching the ground, she made her way over to noell, looking up at him with a radiant smile. "she loves you very much, because you're my daddy," she added. bradley's heart twisted and a tear spilled over, but she quickly wiped it away and laughed a little, feeling like a weight had been lifted.

"that's right, lainey," she said after minute, a smile touching her lips as she cleared her throat. she glanced up at noell tentatively. "very much."

elaine, completely oblivious, gave noell a swift hug around his knees and then bounced on her feet, utterly pleased. as far as she was concerned, she had all the time in the world to be with her father now - but only a few more minutes at the park, so she tottered off happily to find her way onto the swing again.

bradley laughed as her daughter went, moving back over to noell after a moment. her lips pressed into a thin line for a moment, before she exhaled softly and hugged him, tight. she took in a deep breath, keeping her arms circled around his midsection even when she pulled away, watching him carefully. she wanted to kiss him, but she didn't know if she was allowed anymore.

"will you stay?" bradley asked. one hand slipped away from his back and to the front, absently and shyly smoothing out his shirt at the shoulder. "i wish you would. if you're - if my parents aren't coming, i'd like you to. stay, and - i don't know. do you want to stay here?"

NOELL. ###. OUTFIT. UGH FEELS. © ANISE.

[noell harper castell]

tell me how to feel like i did when we were young

The Words: ### The tags: bradder bear The Notes SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG <3

when noell had been with bradley in california, he'd known he was going to marry her, he knew one day they would have children, a house together, grown old together. It was a given. They grew up together, most of the time bradley seemed like the only one who understood noell as much as he knew himself. They worked well together, and though a lot of noell's friends mocked him for sticking with one girl all his life, they didn't understand. They were also jealous of having a girl like bradley jane. Noell saw her for more than her beauty though, her silly antics and the way she said his name. He used to think that he could read bradleys thoughts, but that part of her seemed closed off. They had both changed, though noell didn't realize how much bradley had. A child could do that to a girl.

The little girl standing in front of him, beaming up at him with such trust and innocence, it was strange. little kids had the easiest perspective of things on the world, understood them in the simplest ways. Noell wished things could be that easy, wondered why bradley could not just run into his arms, welcome him back, explain how sorry she was. She sounded sorry, she looked torn, and it hurt so much to see her so sad. Noells main goal in life was to stop her being sad, always, to protect her from harm. Little good that did now. Hearing that she still loved him though, that lifted his heart and pulled it apart all at once. If she still loved him, they had a chance. Love could mean a lot of things, however, and one of them was not the love they had before. A more deep seated romance stuck between the two of them, so that if it had happened that they broke up, some caring would still go into their interactions. Noell could not ever be without bradley, and he hoped she felt the same. The little girl hugged him, trusting, and for a moment noell felt like everything was going to be alright, like they were meant to be.

“of course, didn't i say I'd stay with you, forever?” the words were from the past, noell was surprised he could remember them. Those promises had been ringing his mind for the past four years however, bradley whispering to him as they lay under the stars, saying words that spoke of forever and always. He tried a smile again, but without the innocence of the child around it felt broken. He wanted to smooth the hair from her face, stop her looking so sad, he missed her smile, her laugh, the sound of her voice. There was a question noell wanted to ask, had wanted to ask since the start. A million questions, really, but this one was more important. He didn't want to ruin the moment, however, have bradley suddenly realize who she was hugging and backing away. She may have just been feeling guilty. Even so, he brought an arm around from her, using his hand to brush a stray lock of hair from her face, fingers just barely brushing over the edge of her cheekbone. She was allowed to touch him, so why couldn't it be the other way around. Hand still mirroring the side of her face, not touching but not retreating, he spoke. “I thought you hated me,” he murmured the words, looking down at his bradley jane. He wanted to kiss her, she was too close for comfort, but comfort was all bradley ever was. “Why did you leave?”

created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

[bradley jane st. landry]

& i'd trade all my tomorrows &

FOR JUST ONE YESTERDAY

she should have been running. she should have been grabbing elaine, driving home, packing up their things and getting ready to move somewhere else, to start over all again. but she wasn't. no, bradley jane had always found it easier to run away from the things she loved the most when she didn't have to look them in the face - as was the case with noell, here and now, when she wanted to run because it had been so thoroughly ingrained in her to choose flight as a form of fight. but she couldn't possibly turn away from him now that he was here. now that he was looking at her with those beautiful blue eyes - now that he was holding her, brushing the hair from her face and making her feel as if she didn't deserve the love he was giving her still, after everything.

as much as she would have liked to flee, she couldn't. she shut her eyes, searching her mind for the answer to the questions swimming around in her head. what do i do? does he love me still? why would he come after me if he didn't? bradley didn't know the answer to any of these. she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do - it was easy to fall back into his arms and think that maybe they could be a family, but noell hadn't necessarily said that was what he wanted. he was the boy she had loved - loved still - so surely he would want to make her happy, but why did things feel so different now?

“of course, didn't i say I'd stay with you, forever?”

bradley wasn't sure if that phrase made her want to laugh or cry. it took a moment for her to realize she was doing a little bit of both - soft tears pooling at the brink of her lashes while she laughed, trying to nonchalantly rub the tears away, as if she could disguise them. swallowing a little she looked at him, that soft, shy smile on her face. he reached up to touch her cheek, but he didn't - he just hovered - so she reached up with her own and rested it over his, bringing it to cradle her cheek. she exhaled quietly, shutting her eyes again, turned her face a little to let her lips graze his palm. all of it was easy, too easy, so easy it might have been a dream.

"oh, darling," she murmured at his words, her voice breaking with sadness, "i would never - i could never - hate you." she gave his hand a squeeze, her smile soft and sad. "i left because -"

bradley hesitated, swallowing a little. it would be okay. noell wouldn't hate her, would he? he wouldn't resent her for the life they could have had if she had only obeyed her parents. right?

"i left because my parents were going to make me get an abortion," she murmured at last. the words seemed to take a toll on her, dark lashes fluttering in exhaustion, because she had tried her hardest not to think about it and clinging to it all at the same time, keeping the dark, mangled thing close to her heart, where she would always remember. "i couldn't - elaine was already precious to me, noell. i couldn't let them take her away from me." her lower lip trembled, and she realized she was going to cry again. "it wasn't you, noell - it could never be you, i wanted to take you with me but our parents would have found us-"

NOELL. ###. OUTFIT. CRIES. © ANISE.