a thing about contrition | caleb

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer Every day when Caleb came home from work, Oliver was almost instantly put in a better mood. He would sprint to the door like an overexcited puppy and greet his boyfriend with a bear hug and a kiss, whose length could range from a few seconds in the doorway to a few hours in their bedroom, depending on what mood each of them were in. In any case, Caleb’s arrival home was basically Oliver’s favorite part of the day. Ollie Bird missed his Callie Bear when he was away. There wasn’t really that much to do on days when he didn’t have a client, if he had already finished editing and developing all the pictures he had taken lately. During the summer, he always had a lot of upcoming high school seniors getting their portraits done, but those appointments wouldn’t start until a few weeks from now. In the year between the hectic season, he would often spend all day watching TV or “improving” his website, which usually meant making his picture a more recent photo. Occasionally he’d try something more advanced but he usually ended up breaking something and would have to call the guy he paid to do things like that to fix it. Today, though, he’d spent the day putting on and taking off makeup for his own amusement, until he’d gotten a phone call that told him that his sister had run away again. Growing up, Penny was always trying to get away. Oliver could never understand why. His parents were lovely. They were supportive and friendly and they gave their kids everything that they could. Penny, though, was never satisfied. From age ten, she ran away almost monthly, never getting far before getting brought back by the police. Recently, she’d been doing so well. It’d been almost a year since she’d left. Apparently, though, she’d gone to a graduation party and never come home. His parents had tried to justify it by saying that she was an adult now, and she could legally live on her own now, but Oliver was worried. Sometimes he felt responsible, like maybe if he had spent less time when they were younger worrying about clothes and dating, maybe she would have felt more accepted. The call had put him in such a mood that he didn’t even want to do make up anymore, so he spent the rest of the day going between playing Tetris on his phone and watching bits of Spanish soap operas. As a three year French student in high school, he didn’t understand any of the shows except stupid little things like ‘thank you’ and ‘hello.’ As much as he hated sitting around alone all day, dwelling on his sister leaving again, it sort of made him angry when he heard Caleb coming in. He got up to say hello, of course, but grudgingly. “Hi, Caleb,”

[/color] Oliver deadpanned, hugging his boyfriend and kissing him once on the cheek before pulling away from him.

He knew it wasn’t fair to let his bad mood affect how he was treating Caleb, but that was what always happened in the end. Caleb didn’t bring it up that often, so Oliver didn’t worry too much about it.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/ea5ncojpg.png); width: 420px; padding-top: 10; padding-bottom: 10; border: #363636 solid 2px;] [div style="background-image:url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500.png); height: 300; width: 400; font-size: 0; background: -moz-linear-gradient(bottom, #d5d2d2, rgba(255,255,255,0), rgba(0,0,0,0)), url(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d138/Ginger90876/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500-1.jpg);[br"]-webkit-mask-image: -webkit-gradient(linear, left top, left bottom, from(rgba(0,0,1,1)), to(rgba(0,0,0,0)));]hi

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no I can't get by without your love

The days stuck at work rarely dragged for Caleb. He honestly loved his job, even if the most he could get at the law firm was this strange combination at work. He was basically a gopher, doing anything the more qualified lawyers needed him to do, research, calling clients, making sure that the court cases ran smoothly. Caleb did his job well, did more than he was asked for, and even if he was unappreciated, one day he would be in the courts himself. If he could ever get back to do his law degree. Life had been put on hold a few summers ago, and he never returned to school. It had started out as a break from schooling, but then Oliver happened. Caleb didn't regret anything about missing school, he didn't blame anyone. It was his choice to not to go back to school. He loved his life now, he just didn't want to forget about his dream of being a full lawyer.

Oliver was the best and worst thing that ever happened in Caleb’s life all rolled into one little sweet bundle. Caleb loved him, he always was, he wouldn't give up on Oliver, ever. This was his teenage dream. It wasn't just that, there was more to the relationship than just a silly middle school crush. Caleb had honestly never been happier, even with all their problems. Caleb had so many fantasies when he was younger about how perfect their relationship would be, he had no idea how messed up Oliver could be. He was fine when he was sober, but when he wasn't. Caleb didn't like thinking about it. Usually he just blocked those thoughts from his head. He just wanted things to be good so badly, he needed them to be. But the bad was there, always would be, and so much of Caleb felt like he deserved it.

Work was the one thing that brought his mind from these dark thoughts. By the time he would head home, he would be excited to see Oliver, though he always was. As the minutes counted down closer to when Caleb could leave, he couldn't help but thinking of Oliver more and more. It wasn't long until he was done at his work, filing away the papers, smiling a goodbye to his coworkers, getting into his car for the short ride home. He honestly felt like he should pick up flowers or something on his way back to the house. Caleb was in a good mood, though it was rare he would say he wasn't. Pulling up into the driveway, he couldn't keep a giant grin off his face.

“Hi...Oliver,” Caleb said, brow furrowing. It only took a look at Oliver for Caleb to realize he was in a bad mood. This started him fretting. Caleb wanted to find out was wrong, ask Ollie about it, make his boyfriend smile again. He didn't know if Oliver would want to talk about it, or if Caleb was just reading him wrong. Crazy, really, considering they had been together a year and a half now. He knew what Oliver was usually like when Caleb came home, he looked forward to it. He also knew how Oliver would get when Cal would ask after his problems, and he hated to bother him. Caleb wanted to wrap Ollie in his arms, pull him close, make everything okay, but he didn't know how that would be taken. Instead, he shut the door behind himself quietly, taking of his shoes. “How was your day?” he asked, hedging the questions in his mind with this simple sentiment.

606 | OLIVER | THEY ARE SO CUTE

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[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer “Penelope ran away again,”

[/color] Oliver told him, as a response to how his day was. He watched Caleb carefully, trying to discern what he was thinking almost as much as Caleb was doing for Oliver. Communication wasn’t always a strong suit for the two of them, particularly when one or both of them weren’t in the best of moods. It tended to lead to miscommunication, which was usually when Oliver got angry and started hitting him.

Oliver never intended to hurt Caleb. He loved his boyfriend desperately. Sometimes, though, things just happened.

Penny was a subject that was difficult for Caleb to understand, from what Oliver could tell. He’d only met the girl once, at the surprise forty-fifth birthday party for Oliver’s mother. Every other time the couple had visited with the Cardinals, the only daughter would be off elsewhere, whether hiding in her room or at a friend’s house. Whatever the case, she made herself unapproachable, and it made Oliver wonder whether he could ever make Caleb understand why he worried about her so much.

“Basically, I spent the day playing Tetris and watching Su Amor Ardiente and I don’t even know what the fuck that was. Why do we even have the Spanish channel, Caleb?”[/color] he complained. “No one even speaks Spanish.”[/color]

Oliver spent a lot of time complaining about little things when he was upset like this. Sometimes it was effective in allowing him to let off some steam so he wouldn’t get physically violent, since at times like this, he still had his wits about him and could see how it hurt Caleb when he got like that. Other times, though, he didn’t care. He didn’t apologize for his actions, even if Caleb had bruises the next morning. He did realize however, that it might only take that much more to push Caleb over the edge, and the thought of trying to live without his other half was something he couldn’t stand.

“How was work?”[/color] he asked, though if he was honest, he didn’t really care. Oliver rather disliked Caleb’s job on principle. It meant hours and hours a day that they were apart. They’d spent twenty-one years without each other. Was it really too much to ask that they could actually spend their days together?

Of course, that was probably just the self-employment speaking. If he had a job that brought him out of the home, too, he probably would’ve been more understanding. Still. It was boring and lonely at home all day without his Callie Bear.

And things like Penny running away never seemed to happen when Caleb was there. It was almost like he kept the bad things away, but maybe Oliver was just too happy to notice them. In any case, Caleb being away just allowed Oliver to get into a bad mood, and even their being reunited didn’t usually fix it. Not right away.

“I love you,”[/color] he told him, but it was almost more of a reminder to himself than to his boyfriend. Don’t worry about Penelope. She’ll be fine. Caleb’s home now. Stop being so bitter.

Talking himself out of it didn’t normally work, but he still tried. The majority of the time, though, he ended up just needing to let the negative feelings run their course and then he’d be back to the normal, happy Oliver that everyone knew and loved.

“Do you just wanna order a pizza for dinner tonight or something? I don’t feel like cooking.”[/color] Ordering in: another telltale sign that Oliver wasn’t at his best. As though it wasn’t noticeable before.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/ea5ncojpg.png); width: 420px; padding-top: 10; padding-bottom: 10; border: #363636 solid 2px;] [div style="background-image:url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500.png); height: 300; width: 400; font-size: 0; background: -moz-linear-gradient(bottom, #d5d2d2, rgba(255,255,255,0), rgba(0,0,0,0)), url(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d138/Ginger90876/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500-1.jpg);[br"]-webkit-mask-image: -webkit-gradient(linear, left top, left bottom, from(rgba(0,0,1,1)), to(rgba(0,0,0,0)));]hi

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no I can't get by without your love

The moment Oliver told Caleb what was wrong, he felt his feathers being settled a bit. Just the fact that he knew made things easier. Then there was the fact that Oliver was actually telling him. It made Callie feel like he needed to talk to Oliver about it. He knew about Oliver’s sister. Caleb had been around once before when Penny had run away, a long time ago. He barely knew Oliver then, compared to now. Oliver had been a mess though, worried. It had been around that time that Oliver first hit Caleb, the first real bump in their relationship. Caleb hated thinking about it. It had just been one slap, and for once Oliver had apologized. Caleb had been cheated on, used, and lied to, but never abused. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel about it. He spent much of that week away from Oliver, often in bed, touching his cheek like the slap had just happened. Somehow, they had stayed together. Caleb convinced himself it was a one time thing. Oliver had been stressed, weak, his emotions betraying him. The second time it happened, it was easier for Caleb to deal with. The tenth, he simply stored the pain somewhere deep in his heart, only mistakenly treading on these thoughts in the dark of nights or when Oliver was mad at him once more.

Understanding Penny, or Oliver's worry for her, was difficult. Caleb had only met her a few times, but even if he knew her well, it still would be. Caleb never had siblings, never had that unconditional love sometimes mixed with sibling rivalry and hatred. He didn't know how important they could be in a persons life. He knew Penny was notorious for running away, but she always came back. He knew about family love though, the worry that shredded his heart even now over his mother. The tumour had been quiet for almost two years now, the doctors said everyday that passed there was a less likely chance it would grow and fester. Even if there was a point one chance that it would turn bad though, Caleb would still worry. He didn't know Penny well enough to empathize with Oliver, but he really didn't know how he felt. Because of this, Caleb didn't know how to talk to him about it, make him feel better.

“Do you want to talk about it Ollie?”he asked, almost quietly, feeling distanced from his love. Caleb had a feeling that his question would be ignored, however.

Even though Caleb knew Oliver for a long time, it was hard for him to see his flaws. Love often blinded you, made you accept things such as being abused, especially for Caleb. He didn't think of it as abuse, no matter what happened. Part of him knew Oliver had a problem, a problem he wanted to fix, but he had no idea how. He would often lay awake, feeling hopeless as Oliver slept beside him, peaceful and happy like he usually was. Caleb just wanted to help Ollie, like one of his projects at work. He accepted the little things Oliver did, such as complaining, as normal, not taking them as cues. He was getting good at detecting Ollie’s bad moods though. It was never really hard, Oliver seemed like two different people sometimes.

“Spanish people speak Spanish? I don't know why we have it though...I think even without cable you get the Spanish channels,” Caleb tried to smile, tried to joke, anything to make his boyfriend happy. He felt stupid standing in the doorway still, but they were talking. “Work was good,” he replied, cutting off his words. Most of the things that he would have talked to Oliver about with his job, Oliver wouldn't understand. Sometimes he wanted to rant at someone about the things that happened, but that was what his coworkers were for. Oliver made his dislike for Caleb’s job obvious. And though Caleb did wish he could spend time with Oliver, he was still happy to see him everyday. Surprised that Oliver wanted to see him every day, spend time with him. Love him. It took his breath away still when those three little words came from Oliver's mouth. At least he didn't get butterflies anymore. “I love you too Ollie,” he said, not noticing his words were a lot more sweet than the other mans. He couldn't take it. He hated seeing Oliver sad, it broke his heart. Caleb moved closer to the other man, putting a hand on his waist. Caleb was being a fool, Oliver was upset, but he wanted to help.

“I could make dinner, if you wanted. Or pizza, whatever your heart desires,” Caleb said, pressing a kiss to Oliver's cheek. He was so naive.

806 | OLIVER | LONG POST

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[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer It was so easy for Oliver to be oblivious to Caleb’s feelings when he himself was feeling bitter. Ordinarily, Oliver liked catering to what everyone else wanted. He was pretty selfless in that respect. But things changed when he got upset. Everything became about him, and he needed everyone around him to feel just as bad as he did or worse. It was all about relativity. If everybody felt just as bad, that was the standard, and even slightly less bad constituted a good mood. And if everyone else felt worse than him, they had no room to tell him off for being negative. Not that anyone ever did, but he had to justify his behavior somehow, and that was the best he could come up with. And so he was only in tune to the negative aspects, so he completely missed it when Caleb seemed to relax a little bit when Oliver told him what was wrong. It was rather unusual for Ollie to tell his boyfriend what was bothering him. In his mind, anything that happened when they were apart was trivial, so it wasn’t usually worth mentioning, even if it did set him off like this. Caleb knew Penny, though, so he could at least understand that much. Callie had seen Oliver before when Penelope was missing. He knew how it affected him. Maybe that could protect the former from getting upset when things didn’t run smoothly in the household. The last time his sister had run away aligned closely with the first time Oliver had hit his boyfriend. That was something Ollie had never wanted to happen. There had been other people he’d attacked without thinking, and they’d left him almost right away. Oliver was distraught; he’d held on to Caleb for almost six months, and he couldn’t stand the idea of losing him just because of something he did when he wasn’t thinking. Their relationship was rough for a while after that, and Oliver was afraid he had broken them beyond repair. Eventually, though, they grew back together. Ollie swore to never let it happen again. And then it did. He hadn’t gotten as upset that time, because it wasn’t new. Not that it was any better the second time, it just wasn’t as much of a shock. When two became two dozen, it had turned into something he didn’t even apologize for anymore. Caleb knew he didn’t mean it. Ollie reminded him that he loved him all the time. Their relationship was too important to let some stupid mistakes take them apart. He really did love him. He loved him so much that sometimes it felt unreal. It felt like a beautiful dream had somehow trickled into reality and he got to live it every day and every night. He wanted nothing more than to spend eternity with this man, and he was going to do everything in his power to make that come true. Sometimes the love got overshadowed, though, because Oliver needed to dwell on his bad mood. One can’t focus on true love and despair at the same time. They aren’t compatible. Predictably, Oliver didn’t respond to Caleb’s question about whether or not he wanted to talk about it. That was a stupid question anyway. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. There didn’t need to be a whole question dedicated to it. He knew that that was just how Callie was, trying to make sure everything was okay with Oliver before proceeding. Usually Ollie would think something like that was adorable-just another thing about Caleb that made him the adorable person that Oliver had fallen for-but right now it annoyed him. If Oliver ever thought about the things he did when he was like this, (he usually didn’t because the guilty feeling was a total downer) he’d wonder how he could ever see anything wrong with Caleb. The older boy was perfect for him, and that was only emphasized when he put up with everything Ollie did. The same way that love blinded Caleb to Oliver’s flaws, anger blinded Oliver to everything he loved about his boyfriend. It was sad and unfair, but it was just something the two of them had learned to live with in their relationship. “I have lived in Caroline for twenty-two and a half years and I have never heard anyone around here speak the same language that was coming out of the television. I don’t see any reason for it being there.”

[/color] This conversation was so pointless. Any other time, Oliver couldn’t have cared less what channels they put on his television. The conversation did, however, keep Oliver from finding something more important to criticize.

He responded to Caleb’s comment about work with a simple, “Mm,”[/color] and was just glad that Caleb had learned by now to not go on and on about it.

Callie told him that he loved him back, which, even if it didn’t better Ollie’s mood, was at least reassuring. Caleb still liked him when he was in a bad mood. That was what mattered. That would keep their relationship in one piece.

But when Caleb started touching him, his emotions were made clear. He made a face and shrugged his shoulders and moved his arms back, trying to get Caleb off of him. “Please don’t touch me.”[/color]

It was always impossible to tell how Oliver would react to something like that. Sometimes just being in his boyfriend’s arms was enough to make him feel better, but other times the mere thought of being close to anyone was completely out of the question. The first hug in the doorway was different, since it had been Oliver himself that had initiated it. Now, though, he didn’t really want much to do with him.

“Whatever you want. If you feel like cooking, go ahead. I don’t care. I just don’t wanna do it myself.”[/color]

Ugh. Sometimes Caleb was too much of a people-pleaser.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/ea5ncojpg.png); width: 420px; padding-top: 10; padding-bottom: 10; border: #363636 solid 2px;] [div style="background-image:url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500.png); height: 300; width: 400; font-size: 0; background: -moz-linear-gradient(bottom, #d5d2d2, rgba(255,255,255,0), rgba(0,0,0,0)), url(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d138/Ginger90876/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500-1.jpg);[br"]-webkit-mask-image: -webkit-gradient(linear, left top, left bottom, from(rgba(0,0,1,1)), to(rgba(0,0,0,0)));]hi

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no I can't get by without your love

Caleb knew Oliver didn't mean it when he hurt him, he knew that. He told himself that any time he had thoughts that he should maybe leave Oliver find something better. What better was there for him but Ollie though? He couldn't imagine himself with anyone else. He had loved other men, but nothing like this. Though they clashed Caleb veiwed himself and Oliver as perfect. Caleb worried that Oliver was only with him because he pitied Caleb though, or that Ollie had begun to hate him as the time went by. Oliver didn't apologize anymore, or even hold Caleb when he woke up crying. It didn't happen as often as it used to, but it still hurt. He shook his head, resolving to stop thinking about this. It didn't matter.

A shrug covered Caleb’s shoulders over Oliver's words. “You watch it though?” he asked innocently, tilting his head. He'd never seen Oliver watch that channel, that he could remember. But if he was mentioning it, he must have, and he had said he'd been watching it. It felt strange to be talking about television. Caleb felt like they should go to Oliver's, be with his parents, see if Penny would go back. He didn't see how she could just abandon her brother like this, without a word to him. From what Caleb could see, the two were close. If she didn't like it where she lived, she could come stay with them. Or at least have the courtesy to tell Oliver where she was going instead of just running off. It baffled Caleb.

Whenever Oliver was in a bad mood, Caleb felt his mood darken as well. Not so that he too was angry. It mostly consisted of worry, and he could barely be happy while Oliver was moping in the corner. It would never effect his feelings for Oliver though. No matter what mood Oliver was in, what he looked like or what he was doing, Caleb would always love and support him. Being there for people was part of Caleb's make-up. He couldn't deny it.

Please don't touch me. Those words hurt more than any slap could. Caleb found himself stiffening, pulling back from Oliver. No matter what Oliver did, Caleb wouldn't be hurt like this, not right away. This pain was fresh, he could feel it digging in his heart. His mind was already tumbling over the possibilities. The most obvious was that Oliver must be mad at him, perhaps this had to do with him. But why would Penny run away because of Oliver's boyfriend? Maybe it wasn't that directly correlated. Oliver hadn't gone to visit his parents as often, Caleb felt, because Caleb was always busy. Ollie could go without him, but it felt strange. He frowned, then walked past Oliver, hearing his words but not responding. He sat on their couch, sighing and pushing his hair out of his eyes. This was so difficult sometimes. “Yeah, fine, whatever. Pizza it is,” Caleb's voice was small, his hand already reaching for the phone. He felt so hurt.

556 | OLIVER | SAD CALEB =(

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[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer Caleb was missing the point. He didn’t understand what Oliver was trying to get across, and it was frustrating. The fact that he was watching the show was irrelevant, the important thing was that it ridiculous to even offer something like that. Oliver decided that it was pointless to try to explain these things to his boyfriend, though, so he didn’t. “Augh, just forget it, okay?”

[/color] he told him irritably.

The longer the two stood there, the more obvious Caleb’s hurt grew to be, but Oliver didn’t care. He ignored any signs that Callie was upset and told himself that whatever his boyfriend was feeling, it was only a portion of what he himself was going through. Caleb didn’t understand. He never understood anything.

All the thoughts running through Ollie’s mind at the moment were so dramatically different from normal. Any other time, Oliver believed that no one could understand him like Callie did. Ollie was known to be a talker, but only Caleb really got any meaning from his words. They completed one another and spoke in a language that only they could comprehend. And any other time, Oliver saw that as one of the most amazing things in the world. He was young and he’d already found his soul mate. Nothing could bring them apart.

This darker half of Oliver was doing exactly that, however, and it would have terrified him, had he let himself think about it. When he was back to his normal, happy self, he acted as though nothing had happened and just tried to make the most of what the two of them had. Caleb was very good at playing along, so it didn’t really matter.

When Caleb went to sit down, Oliver followed suit and sat on the other end of the couch, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his head on his knees. On a normal day, he would’ve sat close enough to be practically in Callie’s lap, but he didn’t want to be near him right now. Instead, Oliver sat as far from him as he could be while remaining on the same piece of furniture and listened to him drone on with the pizza order, not even piping up to mention what toppings he wanted. Caleb knew him well enough by now to know what he liked, so he shouldn’t even need to ask.

He hated just sitting there moping. That was the worst thing for him when he was upset, because it didn’t help at all. He needed to let it out, instead of letting it stew up inside him. Caleb knew that, and it was probably why he put up with Oliver hitting him. Things wouldn’t get better without getting worse first. That’s just the way things were. It wasn’t anyone’s fault and there was nothing to be done about it. Oliver either didn’t realize or didn’t care that Caleb blamed himself for these things happening.

After Caleb was off the phone, Oliver sat up. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something?”[/color] he asked, not liking the silence but not really wanting to talk to his boyfriend.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/ea5ncojpg.png); width: 420px; padding-top: 10; padding-bottom: 10; border: #363636 solid 2px;] [div style="background-image:url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500.png); height: 300; width: 400; font-size: 0; background: -moz-linear-gradient(bottom, #d5d2d2, rgba(255,255,255,0), rgba(0,0,0,0)), url(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d138/Ginger90876/tumblr_ljk99eWjJQ1qi75woo1_500-1.jpg);[br"]-webkit-mask-image: -webkit-gradient(linear, left top, left bottom, from(rgba(0,0,1,1)), to(rgba(0,0,0,0)));]hi

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no I can't get by without your love

Communication was key in any relationship. Not just talking about the small things, chit chatting, but having actual conversations. Fights even, were very healthy, as long as they were not endless screaming matches. If it was the case that any fights were healthy, Caleb and Oliver would have the best relationship around. They, however, definitely did not. When the two of them were both in good moods, they would have good conversations. It might not have been about the deepest of problems, but the love their was still evident. When either was in a bad mood though, the walls tended to go up. Being alike in that aspect was not a good thing, neither of them liked talking about their problems. Caleb could imagine it easy enough, cuddling up with Oliver, telling him perhaps the reason he came back to Caroline in the first part. Knowing many of Oliver's problems though, he still felt he had nothing over his boyfriend. So he never found a chance to tell Oliver about his mother, never found a chance to talk to him about many things, really, and he regretted it.

Olivers words passed Calebs ears. He knew the conversation didn't matter, like himself though he couldn't help criticizing his own words. The one thing he couldn't do right was the one thing he loved the most. It should have been the other way around. He felt like he had run all of his luck out when he was young, taking his life for granted, and now he was stuck with nothing good happening to him. But he had Oliver. That was good enough. He would take everything bad in the world, as long as he could keep Oliver at his side.

The two of them had been going out for so long that Caleb didn't feel like there needed to be any discussion over food. He knew what Oliver liked and what he didn't. If he wanted anything different, he had a voice to tell Caleb. As he ordered the food, it was all so automatic he had time to think a little without Oliver staring at him with those sad eyes. Caleb always found rational decisions harder to make when Oliver was around, simply because he honestly made everything better. Caleb would often find trivial problems when he was away from Oliver, and then ass ion as he saw hi again, he was so happy it didn't even matter anymore. Those problems were pointless, peanuts compared to his happiness now. Even now, he found it hard to find any flaws in Oliver. Everyone had their bad days, this would be over soon enough. He placed down the phone, looking at Oliver and how far away he was. Callie knew better than to try and get any closer though. A hesitant smile questioned at Oliver's words. A movie would mean that they wouldn't talk though, and they would both just sit there stewing in their own thoughts. It would make a fight later much worse, or so Caleb thought. He needed to be there for Oliver, no matter what. He did pick up the remote from the table, but didn't turn on the television.

“Can we please just talk about it Ollie? I'm worried too, you know. I wouldn't want anything to happen to your sister.” Caleb hated seeing Oliver like this. He couldn't sit here and do absolutely nothing about it. He would feel worse if he didn't at least try. Though, Caleb knew he would regret this no matter what the consequences were. Even if things did go well and they did manage to talk about it, he would still feel like he could have done better. Could have said something different. He wanted to be closer to Oliver, but his words still rang in his head. He wasn't exactly worried about Penny though, more so about what all this was doing to Oliver.

655 | OLIVER | ASDFGHJKL:SDFDGFSFGDFHGH

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[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer Even when Oliver was like this, he realized and accepted that the two of them definitely had a communication barrier. However, he really didn’t feel like overcoming it. If he ignored it, it would eventually go away, once he was better. He loved talking. He was willing to talk about anything, even things that bothered him, so long as he wasn’t still upset about the matter. Sometimes this meant he’d bring up old problems, things that hardly seemed relevant anymore, just so Caleb would understand what had been going on in his head. He could see this Penelope problem becoming one of those, something he could never talk about properly until she was home safe. It was unfair for Caleb to expect him to talk about it so early. Caleb was supposed to be the observant one. He retained things like this. He should know by now that rational conversation was not a thing that was going to happen. And yet he asked anyway. Ollie curled back up again, since the movie thing was not going to happen. “There’s nothing to talk about, Callie! My sister left the house and no one knows where the fuck she is and she could be out there getting raped or murdered or tortured. For all anyone knows she could be completely fine and having fun with friends on the beach or whatever but the point is no one knows for sure and so I’m fucking terrified that she’ll never come home and I don’t want to talk about it because that makes it real.”

[/color]

Oliver was really in no way a pessimist. When it came to things like this, though, it was different. No one ever talked about murders or kidnappings or rapes in Caroline, but they never talked about runaways either, and look at where that got them. Nothing terrible had happened to Penny any of the other times, but how many times could she get lucky? Something was bound to happen one day. Even if it wasn’t today, something would eventually happen. She wasn’t going to learn her lesson until she ended up with some sort of damage that scared her out of leaving again.

He sighed deeply, wishing several things at once. He wanted Caleb to understand. He wanted to feel better. He wanted his sister to come back. It didn’t feel like any of those things would happen. They all would, eventually, but he wanted it now, and that wasn’t happening.

Part of him wanted to stretch out and lay down on his side with his head in Callie’s lap, to show his boyfriend that his anger wasn’t directed at him, but his pride kept him curled up at the edge of the couch, not even looking at the man he loved. To let Caleb be near him was to show that he was calming down, and that wasn’t the case. And, knowing Callie, he’d probably end up trying to touch Oliver’s hair or face or something, and he couldn’t have that. What he had said before was still true: he didn’t want Caleb touching him right now.

After a few moments’ silence, Oliver stood up. “D’you want a drink or anything?”[/color] he offered. “I mean like. Water or something.”[/color] he clarified, since he knew that Caleb and alcohol didn’t typically mix. [/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

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no I can't get by without your love

If there was anyone who could understand the fear of making problems real, it was Caleb. Every time something went wrong, he avoided it for that very fact. If he talked about it, it would become real. He already couldn't deal with his problems without talking about them, so if they felt real to him, he didn't know what he would do. He even avoided the topic of his mother with his parents for that sake. They'd give him updates, but if they tried to talk to him about any of it, Caleb would often get closed of and angry towards them. They learned to back off, because Caleb wouldn't realize what was putting him in this bad mood. Even things that had happened in the past, Caleb couldn't talk about, because he still very much hadn't dealt with them. While they were happening was worse though. So, more than anyone, Caleb should have understood Oliver's words and left him alone.

Of course, he couldn't do that. Caleb knew that Oliver might talk to him about this later, that sometimes happened. He knew this without realizing it though, not now. And though things could turn out well and Oliver would be happy again. Thing was, Caleb wanted that to happen right now. It was in his nature, and you can't be mad at someone for their nature, right? There was obviously something to talk about. “She's almost an adult Ollie, I'm pretty sure she can take care of herself. You don't go through life like her not learning a little bit about how the world works, I'm sure she'll be fine,” he was trying to be comforting, trying to say the words that he hoped would make his boyfriend okay. He avoided questioning why Penny would do this in the first place, knowing that would make things worse.

Now, Caleb was not an alcohol sort of man. He did not hate beer, or the like. However, he didn't drink it much. Perhaps at a party here or there, maybe to get a little tipsy. Much like everything else in Caleb’s life, he liked to keep it under control. In college, he had done his fair share of drinking. He did like it, then. Caleb had one too many not so proud moments under the influence though, and stopped enjoying it so much. He did not like the man he turned into when he drank, or the things he did. He didn't like the lack of control he felt over his body, though at the time it felt like he was making all the right decisions. Unlike many of his friends, he could easily remember most of the night under the influence of alcohol. This would bring back many shamed memories to Caleb that he would antagonize over for days. Drinking did not go well with him, and so he stopped.

This all made it a surprise when Caleb looked up at Oliver's words, and replied, “Can you grab me one of the beers from the fridge?” The two of them kept the alcohol for any random parties, or people who came over, and a little bit for Ollie. To Caleb, it made him feel like an adult, being able to have beers in the fridge, whether or not he drank them. Today though, he felt the very strange urge that he definitely needed alcohol in his system.

569 | OLIVER | ASDFGHJKL:SDFDGFSFGDFHGH

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[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer Oliver didn’t know how someone who could ordinarily understand every thought he had could fail so astoundingly at understanding the point right now. He didn’t want to talk about it. What in that was too hard for Callie to understand? He didn’t want petty reassurances or the statement of the fact that she was an adult. He knew that, he didn’t need Caleb, who barely even knew her, to tell him that. He wanted to drop the subject but Caleb wasn’t letting that happen, and it was frustrating. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about. If one of your parents went missing, you wouldn’t think, ‘Oh, they’re an adult, they know what they’re doing.’ It’s a big deal, Caleb. If she was dead right now, no one would know.”

[/color]

The idea that the world could go on turning and the sun could keep shining if his sister was dead was something he couldn’t wrap his head around. Since moving out and going to college, he had been in touch with her less and they weren’t near as close as they had been growing up, but he still loved her desperately. Even when she did things like this. And as devastating as it would be to hear about her death, it would be even worse to not know she was dead and find out ages later. The knowledge he would one day adjust to, but not knowing would only make him think the worst.

It took a while for Oliver to register how crackly his voice sounded. He hated when it got like that, because it was usually an early warning sign that he was close to crying. And the stupid part was that he didn’t have anything to cry about at the moment. He was frustrated with Caleb for not understanding how to treat the situation and upset that Penny was off in East Jesus Nowhere where no one could reach her and generally annoyed that he couldn’t make himself stop being this way. But still, even all those things combined didn’t make him feel like crying.

If it was possible, the prospect of crying over nothing made him feel even worse.

“Yeah, sure,”[/color] Ollie told his boyfriend, heading into the kitchen to get a beer for each of them. On the way back to the living room, (because roleplay time goes really fast, apparently) the doorbell rang, so he went to answer it, paid the delivery boy, and brought the pizza back to the couch, not bothering to get plates or anything. They weren’t being fancy, they could just eat out of the box. It meant he’d have to sit closer to Caleb now, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the sake of food. [/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

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no I can't get by without your love

“I know its a big deal Oliver,” he snapped, frustrated now. He didn't like the nauseous feeling rolling around his gut. Dread, mixed with guilt already. Why couldn't he just have a spine for once, stand up. Caleb could fight in the court room, he could spin a defence so thick, even if his client was guilty no one would believe he was. He knew how to treat court cases, no only because he had been taught, but he had the instincts. Law was very different from this. Knowing about the loop holes, being able to lie through his teeth, that all had no play in their household. He didn't have to deal with emotions there, the fear that with any word he could lose Ollie as easily as a feather in a wind. He didn't even understand how Oliver could love him at all.

He hated that Oliver brought up how Caleb might feel if he were in this situation. He knew if his mother was missing, he would be freaking out. But, having not experienced this, he felt he might at least want to talk to his boyfriend about it, so that Ollie could calm him down a little. He didn't realize how little any words would affect how he felt at all. Though, over the past year, he had gotten better at telling Ollie some of his problems, some of the dark thoughts running through his head. It was torture, to sit and think that Oliver was mad at him or a person hated Caleb when that wasn't true. Caleb honestly felt so boring. He had very little friends, his life didn't have problems and his personality felt lacking. He didn't know how to make himself more interesting. There were enough problems in his life with Ollie around. He was always so negative. Caleb could feel a familiar depression settling around his shoulders. He'd get into these bad spots sometimes. It used to be random, but lately they were caused whenever Oliver was in a bad mood. Because Caleb would inevitably think that Oliver was mad at him, and this would get him thinking that no one truly liked him. Caleb was basically worthless.

Caleb knew that Oliver was close to tears, he could hear it in his voice. This only cemented the fact that Oliver needed to talk about it. Over this past year, Caleb would have let this slid. He was coming near a breaking point though. No longer did Caleb want to sit and let things like this just happen. He took the beer from Oliver as he passed it to him, not saying a word of thanks. Caleb simply took a long sip from the bottle, closing his eyes and ignoring the pizza. The smell honestly made him nauseous. He wasn't hungry, his stomach was too tied in knots to bother eating. Whenever Caleb was upset, he couldn't eat. Especially if he were crying. It was disgusting to eat when he had snot running down his face. “I just don't understand why she would do this to you,” Caleb spoke suddenly, opening his eyes to look at Oliver. “She's your sister. What makes her run away all the time? Doesn't she love you, or your family? She shouldn't just leave without even a word. She should know this makes you upset,” he huffed. For the first time in a while, he felt like he was placing blame on someone else, and not himself. Without thinking much about it, Caleb's hand had sought Olivers, but ended up on his leg instead. Touching Oliver, like he had asked Caleb not to. “I'm sure she'll be fine though Ollie. We could go look for Penny if you want. Do something about this. Maybe if you talked to her she would understand how hurt you are,” he was rambling now, unsure of his words. He looked at Oliver, smiling softly. In his mind, he was so sure that something he said would make Oliver smile his brilliant smile back at him and everything would be alright again.

684 | OLIVER | how can callie be so stupid.

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[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6agxrxgOJ1rnsif7o1_500.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] you haven't got a prayer “Maybe you should act like it then, instead of saying stupid, unhelpful things,”

[/color] Oliver said, feeling defeated. Even upset, he hated saying things like that to Caleb. He was always very careful not to let anger or frustration take over the things he was saying. Never in his life had he told Caleb that he hated him, or that he didn’t know why he was bothering with the relationship, or anything like that. Those things were not true, and even when he might have wanted to bring him down, Oliver wouldn’t lie to make Caleb feel worse than Oliver thought he deserved. He loved his boyfriend desperately, he really did, but sometimes the only way to get sympathy was to make Caleb feel like he did. But there were better ways to go about doing that than to say things that could ruin their relationship.

It didn’t even feel like Caleb was trying to understand, and instead he was just getting annoyed that Oliver kept complaining. If possible, that just made Oliver feel worse. He didn’t want to push Callie away, but it ended up happening far too often. Someday he might cross the line, and then Caleb would leave him. He didn’t know what he would do then. He’d spent a year and a half realizing how much he needed the other man, and the thought of suddenly not being needed himself... It was impossible.

When Caleb didn’t take any of the pizza, Oliver decided he wasn’t hungry either and put the whole box on the coffee table in front of them, untouched. He took a drink from the bottle of beer he’d gotten himself, and he was reminded briefly of health class in school when they talked about the effects of drugs. Alcohol was a depressant, he remembered. It didn’t make sense for him to be drinking now, considering he was depressed enough, but he really didn’t give enough of a shit to stop.

Caleb started talking about Penny again, and finally Oliver had had enough. “Just stop,”[/color] he demanded, hitting Caleb’s arm with either hand on each word. “Caleb, I don’t fucking want to talk about it. Just leave me alone. Please.”[/color]

And then he did start crying because he was terrified that maybe what Caleb said was true. What if Penny really didn’t care? He knew, of course, that this was ridiculous, but it was still difficult to hear from someone he loved so much.

He wanted Penelope to go home and be safe and not come back with three new tattoos or a nose piercing or a meth addiction, which were all things that she’d done before. He wanted Caleb to understand and not suggest that his sister didn’t love him and not be stupid enough to believe that Penny could be found if she didn’t want to be. But most of all, at that moment, he just wanted to feel better.

Oliver did lay down then, like he had wanted, and stretched out on his side on the couch with his head in Caleb’s lap, facing away from him. With one hand he held tightly to one of Caleb’s pant legs. He needed something solid to hold on to, because it felt like everything else was falling away. Penelope was missing, Caleb was distant... Oliver didn’t know what to do.

“I love you, okay?”[/color] he said when he could find his voice. “I love you so much.”[/color] Maybe if he said it enough, it could ensure that Caleb would never leave.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

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no I can't get by without your love

It was horrible how oblivious Caleb was being to everything that Ollie said. Unlike many men, he made things to complicated. He didn't know the right htings to say or the right things to do and often tried to hard in both aspects. He thoght over things too much, which was worse than not thinking about them at all. this calculation helped in his work, but he needed to go with his gut more often. He knew, deep down, that he shouldn't have tried to talk to Ollie. Before he had tried and it had ended badly, why would this time be any diffrent? Things would be alright, Caleb just needed patience

There was a tingling at the back of his eyes that Caleb knew was a sign of tears. Seeing Oliver cry always made him want to cry, no matter what. Caleb didn't even know why. If Oliver started crying over something that had nothing to do with him, Caleb could feel the tears even then. He kept his throat locked up though, breathing deeply, looking everywhere but his boyfriend. If he cried, it would just make things worse. He couldn't help but feel so lost though. It didn't even matter that Oliver had hit him. It had been twice, and Caleb knew he had worse than that. He felt numb to the hits this time. Usually he would be freaking out in his head. Or maybe not. He was so used to this. He could hear the pain in Olivers voice. This was his fault and he knew it. It wasn't a worry or a though or a hunch. He had made Oliver cry, and he had messed things up. Caleb didn't know how to deal with emotions and when he tried he made things worse.

As Oliver laid down, Caleb could feel his chest start to shake. He was surprised to find Oliver laying there, head in Calebs lap like so many other times. Caleb didn't need an apology for Olivers actions, for he felt they were justified this time. He was amazed even that Ollie still wanted to hold onto him anymore, or be near him. With Olivers words, Caleb wanted to just bundle Oliver up and carry him to their room and lay with Oliver in his arms and never let go. His fingers found the courage to brush through Oliver's hairs lightly instead. He was a little confused by Olivers sentiment. “I love you too Ollie, so much,” he repeated, his own voice tight now. Hearing the tears in his voice made it so much worse. Caleb felt empty on the inside, he wanted so badly to make Oliver feel better. He knew, however, there was nothing he could do but sit here with Oliver. He did not bring up Penny again, not even to apologize for how he had acted. Caleb tried to quiet the nagging in his head, knowing that it did him no good. He was acting selfish, and Oliver was the one who needed attention right now, not his own problems.

no | OLIVER | IM SO SORRY FOR HOW SHORT THIS IS D:

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