imagine living like a king someday | oliver

[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] Explaining the bruises on his face had been the highlight of Caleb's day. He knew as he drove to work that morning, that he would not be able to cover these up. Not with the two dark circles under each of his eyes and the bright white tape stretched across a possibly broken nose. It felt broken, it had bled enough to be broken, but the idiotic doctor he had seen told him it probably wasn't. Probably wasn't? What kind of diagnosis was that? Caleb was sure he had heard a snap, but there had also been the loud noise of breaking dishes to confuse that with. He'd never broken a bone before, but this felt like it. As soon as he entered his work, trying his hardest to slip back to his office without anyone noticing, the teasing started. His coworkers, on their first coffee break of many, caught Caleb before he could get away. They didn't bother asking what happened. They just started heckling him as he walked past. Caleb didn't bother saying anything back. His coworkers were much like high school jocks, Caleb had no idea how they even got into this profession. However, they were good at what they did. Only the new intern gave him a sympathetic look when she saw his face, asking after what happened. How was he to explain the black eyes he had? Caleb couldn't tell them the truth, that was for sure. He couldn't tell them it was his boyfriend who had caused the bruises, caused all the ones he managed to hide better because before Oliver had somehow never managed to punch Caleb's face. That was the one consolation he had. He felt like a little kid, taking happiness from the fact that his abusive parents never hit anywhere that showed. Caleb didn't even know why Oliver had punched him. That was the worst part. Caleb had arrived home late that night, very late actually. The firm he was working at had a huge case to work on, a career changing case and he was needed in all his secretarial abilities. He was doing a lot more work on the case this time, and he had a feeling it was because the partners were thinking of promoting him. So after a long day of work, he arrived home close to eleven. Caleb had arrived home late before, but never this late. He arrived back to find Oliver sitting on the couch, not looking up at him. Without a word, Caleb could tell that Oliver was high. Caleb never knew how to deal with his boyfriend when he was high. Oliver turned into a ticking bomb. They had never even addressed Olivers addiction. Caleb had tried, exactly one time, to talk to him about it. Oliver, however, had so firmly denied that he had any sort of addiction that Caleb knew that he could say nothing. This seemed like something that Caleb would not be able to help Oliver with. Part of him knew it was something that required more professional help, but he would never tell Oliver that. Caleb didn't know how to deal with people on a regular basis, let alone his own boyfriend when his mind was addled by the drugs. He knew it was his fault too, for being late. Oliver had probably gotten depressed, because Caleb hadn't been able to call him and tell him that he would be late. Caleb didn't even know what time he would be home at. Caleb could see Oliver curled up on the couch, waiting for a call or anything to say that Caleb was still alive, and eventually turning to his drugs for some form of release. Caleb couldn't tell what mood Oliver was in then, it wouldn't matter anyway. Oliver's moods were violent, he could be happy one second and so angry the next that Caleb would have no idea what happened. That was how the night went. When Ollie finally did see that Caleb was home, he seemed happy enough in his daze. He was laughing and smiling and appeared to be so fine. Caleb was fine with sitting next to him and even was able to discuss a little about work. He couldn't even remember what they were talking about when Oliver was suddenly screaming at Caleb. It all happened so quick, he couldn't make out what Oliver was so angry about and then suddenly there was horrendous pain in his nose, and the sound of breaking dishes and his nose was bleeding. There was not much else that Caleb knew that had happened after that. Oliver had stormed off to his room and Caleb sat there, nursing his bleeding nose. When it didn't stop bleeding after a half hour, Caleb drove himself to a walk in clinic, one hand on the wheel at the other holding a constant stream of Kleenex to his face. After the doctor righted his nose and informed him vaguely that it may or may not be broken, he spent the night sleeping on the couch, not bothering to try and get into his and Oliver's room. That morning, he left before Oliver could even wake up, only stopping in the washroom to check the bruises under his eyes and sigh, changing his blood stained dress shirt for a new one, leaving the very red shirt on the couch for Oliver to see. So when the intern, and eventually his boss, asked after what happened to him, Caleb made up a story about tripping on the stairs, falling, and ending up breaking his nose. His boss didn't seem impressed, but he left Caleb alone after that. The day was uneventful after that, Caleb only had to deal with his coworkers making fun of him. The worst was when they jokingly asked if his boyfriend had been a little rough on him the night before. Oh, if only they knew. Caleb barely got any work done, and his boss eventually let him go early, perhaps because the clients were giving him wary looks every once in a while. He had been thinking all day. Thinking about how often Oliver hit him, how often they fought. This was not good for a relationship, at all. There was too much fighting and not enough resolving of their problems. Worse even, Caleb had no idea how he felt about Oliver. Away from his boyfriend, with a bruise on his face and tape across his nose, he felt like this was too much for him to deal with. He felt as if he might still love Oliver, but he just wasn't sure. As he drove home from work, his thoughts were over run with questions he had no answer too. As he approached the final turn that would take him home, he kept going straight. He didn't want to deal with Oliver, he didn't want to leave what happened alone. This needed to be talked about, this needed to be dealt with. Caleb didn't know how long he was driving, thinking to himself, before he finally pulled into the parking lot of a hotel. He couldn't go home, not now and maybe not ever. This was too much.	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,203 tagged , ollie bird! notes , ANGST.
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww30/Panda22Panda22/eyhas.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you It had not been a good few days. On top of bitchy clients, a missing sister, and this headache that wouldn’t go away (nothing too bad, but it was irritating to even have a slight headache for days on end), Caleb was getting more and more distant. And for as long as he could, Oliver pressed on, smiling to clients who told him that the pictures he was taking were making them look too fat, pretending that Penny was safe at home, taking painkillers every hour, and waiting patiently all day for Caleb to come home so he could snuggle him and kiss him and make up for any time that they may have fought. He lived for the moments where everything seemed okay, when it got hard to kiss because they were both smiling so much, or when they couldn’t be close enough to one another, or when they’d put a movie in and cuddle together... He hated that those moments ever had to end. But there was always something. Caleb would have to go to work, or Oliver would get into one of his moods, or the day would run out of hours. Nothing good ever lasted, but it always felt like the bad things did. Oliver hated not knowing when to expect Caleb home. Waiting indefinitely was difficult. Five turning into six, into seven, eight, nine, ten, and almost eleven before Caleb came in the door, and by that time, Oliver had already jumped to a thousand conclusions. Caleb was dead, Caleb was dying, Caleb was lost, kidnapped, raped, memoryless, sick, hurt, cheating. Whatever it was, he wasn’t answering texts or calls and he wasn’t on AIM. He couldn’t believe that something at work could possibly be this consuming, and so he believed the worst. Each new thought was worse than the one before, and eventually, Oliver couldn’t stand it anymore. He’d gone and fetched his little stash of coke and did a few lines until his brain was sufficiently fuzzy and he could get rid of the thoughts in which Caleb was in trouble. And then he spent the hours until his boyfriend finally appeared watching the news in case any report of some kind of accident came up, but even if it had, he would’ve been too high to understand. Everything the news anchors said sounded ridiculous and he found it all rather hilarious. So he was in a pretty good mood when Caleb finally arrived. Time didn’t matter to Oliver anymore, he was too far gone for that. And anyway, Caleb was home now, so who cared? Just as long as his boyfriend was here, able to be hugged and kissed and touched and Oliver could have all of those things done in return. And it felt just like normal for a while, the only difference being that everything was a bit more hilarious and difficult to understand. He told himself that he couldn’t remember what happened next, but he did. Caleb was just calmly talking about work, and something had set Oliver off (this he really didn’t remember) and he’d stood up so suddenly that he had knocked the glass (funny, he hadn’t remembered making a drink for himself) off the table in front of him and it flew across the room, hitting the ground and shattering at the same time that his fist had connected with Caleb’s nose. As the remnants of the drink dripped from the shards of the glass, Caleb’s nose started bleeding, but Oliver didn’t care. Nosebleeds were a part of life, the crack addict in him knew that well. Callie was a big boy, he could handle it. Not wanting to have anything to do with Caleb for the rest of the night, he went in to bed and fell asleep, figuring, as always, that they would be okay in the morning. True, he hadn’t ever hit Caleb in the face before, and certainly had never made him bleed before, but what did that matter? Some things just happened. Caleb knew he didn’t mean it. Oliver loved him. These things were just the result of having no outlet. Something like that. It wasn’t until he woke up to an empty bed that he realized that something might be wrong. Oliver always woke up when Caleb crawled out of bed, and that meant that Caleb had never been there to begin with. Shuffling out of his bedroom and into the living room, the first thing he noticed was the shirt covered in Caleb’s blood. His heart sank. Caleb hadn’t ever not come to bed before. Obviously something had changed last night, but he forced himself to not remember. Only he did, and the pain in his hand just made it harder to forget. Still he told himself it was nothing. He’d just wait until Caleb got home that night, maybe apologize for the sake of proving that he knew he was wrong, and then they could be back to normal. When Caleb didn’t come home, everything fell apart. It took until one in the morning for Oliver to decided he wasn’t coming back, at which point he just got high again and spent the night unable to sleep. Once the high had worn off and Caleb still wasn’t back, he gave up hoping he would return. He’d finally done it this time. This was his nightmare coming true. Penny had left him a few weeks ago. Caleb had left him a few days ago. Everyone was leaving except this headache that only got worse with all of his crying. He did very little over the next few days besides mope around the house. He’d thrown up a few times at what seemed like rather random times, which he contributed to the combined efforts of the unrelenting headache and his constant crying. Grief was making everything worse, but he couldn’t stop being depressed about this whole thing. Caleb had left him for fuck’s sake. Caleb, the one who had been there for a year and a half, whom he had sworn to stay with forever, whose presence in his life was more important than anyone else... One punch and he had ruined all of that. It wasn’t fair. As the days went by on his own, things got progressively more desperate. Oliver wasn’t eating, hardly sleeping, and no matter what he did, his headache wouldn’t go away. If there was ever a moment that he wasn’t thinking about how badly he missed Caleb, the moment was spent cursing the pain in his head, wishing in vain that it would just stop. It didn’t, and by the day that Oliver had finally managed to get a hold of Caleb through AIM and had convinced him to come home, it was almost impossible to think of anything else but the pain. He spent almost all his time holding his head and taking countless painkillers, but nothing helped. He had been hoping maybe that with the knowledge that Caleb was coming home that it would stop, but it didn’t. The thought of how badly it hurt was driven from his mind temporarily, though, when he heard the familiar sound of Caleb’s car entering the driveway. He made his way over to the door, intending to hold his boyfriend and never let go, to make him see that he felt terrible for what he had done and that things would change, just like he’d promised over AIM. Then his head would stop hurting because they were okay and he could stop grieving. Things were going to be okay. there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] Checking into the hotel, Caleb told the secretary that he didn't know how long that he was going to be there for. There was no telling. It could be a day, and then he would cave in and go back to Ollie and act like nothing had happened. It could be until Caleb found another place to live. He didn't want to do that to Oliver, though. He couldn't just abandon him. Caleb knew, however, if he tried to face Oliver all resolve would break down. All Oliver would have to do is look at him with those teary eyes he had and ask him to stay and Caleb would. Caleb would always do anything Oliver asked him too. He only found the strength to go to the hotel because he had been away from Oliver. The secretary took his credit card number and Caleb walked to his room, nothing in hand. He hadn't planned this. That night he sat in the hotel, wrestling emotionally with himself. He wanted to go home so badly. He missed Oliver so much. Caleb convinced himself time and time again that it didn't matter and he would make his way to the door to leave his room. He would end up catching his reflection somewhere along the way and head back to sitting on the bed, or pacing the room, often arguing aloud with himself. He once made it to his car, late in the night, but eventually dragged himself back up to his room. Caleb would not let Oliver get away with this. This issue had to be resolved, and it was now or never. He finally collapsed on his bed, exhausted, around 3 AM in the morning. Only to be woken at 6 by the wake up call he arranged so he could go to work, his pillow drenched in the tears shed shed in the night. The last time Caleb had slept alone for more than one night in a row was so far in the past he couldn't even remember it. That day he went to work like any other, pushing himself into his job, making up for lost time. He refused to let things with Oliver fuck up his career, he had already given up his dream job to stay in Caroline, but that was for his mother, he told himself. He did not think about Oliver (not a second went by when Olivers name was not on his mind). He did not want to go home (every minute he would look longingly out the window, wishing he could take the car back to his home). Nothing would change how he felt (if Oliver showed up he would forgive everything in a heart beat). That night, when he finished work, he stopped by a drug mart in order to grab some essentials, mainly toiletries and a few extra dress shirts, before heading to the hotel without a thought. He did not answer Olivers texts or calls, and stayed away from the AIM program on both his laptop and work computer. Caleb was amazed that he could hold out this long. Every morning he woke up with tears on his pillow and every night he was lucky if he got three hours of sleep, but that was not happening. Things were fine, and Caleb was treating life in that way. The case at the office was going so well, it boosted Calebs mood the little that it could. He still felt numb on the inside, dragging himself from day to day, trapped in a hollow void of insomnia and empty thoughts. It would be impossible for Caleb to tell how long it had been before things changed. To him, it felt like weeks had past, months, years since he last saw Oliver. In truth, it had only been a few days. Things were wearing on him. Arriving at the hotel from work, after nearly taking his car home out of instinct, he turned on his laptop like he always did. There was a never ending stream of work now, and he needed to catch up at the hotel as well as the office. His AIM started up automatically, and instead of closing it, Caleb watched it log him in. Of course, Oliver was there, online. Caleb sat, staring at the window, feeling himself start to shake. It took a bit, but Oliver finally talked to him. Incessant, like a bee, he did not stop. It only took a moment for Caleb to reply, his resolve breaking already. During their conversation, Caleb cried for the first time while awake. He realized all at once he was not admitting his feelings to himself. He was so scared and confused and hurt. He didn't know how to feel, and that was the most terrifying thing of all. Not that he couldn't deal with this, not that he had no idea how to make it work, but the feeling that he didn't know how he felt about Oliver. Every time Oliver said that he loved Caleb, he wanted to throw the computer at the wall. It was instinctive to reply back, saying he loved him too, but how true was that? This was the first time Caleb had ever questioned his feelings for Oliver, and that horrified him. As it turned out, Oliver did not need to be in front of Caleb to break his strength. His pleading and his words wore on Caleb quickly. He had to go home, he wanted to. They would make this work, Caleb was just confused, he knew that. But, near the end of the conversation, he found a bit of spine again. He noticed the pause when he had asked Oliver to promise that he would try not to hit him, noticed every second of it and they burned in his head. This was not going to go away, Caleb wouldn't let it. He would try, but only if Oliver talked to him. If Oliver hit Caleb ever again, that was it. He made conditions with himself, made conditions with Oliver, and agreed to head home. The harsh feeling in Caleb's gut disintegrated slowly as he approached the home, replaced with eagerness to see his boyfriend. He didn't know how he could talk to him, but he was still determined to. At the same time, as Caleb drove into the driveway and exited his car, he just wanted to run through the door and tackle Oliver down with kisses. He had never felt so confused in his life. This was why when he opened the door to see Ollie standing and waiting for him, he let out a confused sound, his mouth set in a strange half smile. His hand reached automatically to brush a piece of Oliver's hair from his eyes, but stopped halfway. “Oliver,” he spoke, voice strangely steady. “We should talk.” Why did he even bother saying that, it was obvious. Caleb closed his eyes, self criticizing already. That was not the point. He just could not believe that this was real. When he and Oliver started dating, Caleb would have never pictured it bringing them to this point.	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,197 tagged , ollie bird! notes , i happened to write this in about thirty minutes because i was so excited/inspired.
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww30/Panda22Panda22/eyhas.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you Not being able to get in touch with Caleb was one of the most terrifying parts of being alone. Oliver didn’t know what was going on in his boyfriend’s mind, or if he should even consider Caleb his boyfriend anymore. Calls were ignored, texts were deleted, and Caleb’s AIM account was always offline. He tried every day, hoping maybe something had changed, but it didn’t. And then one day Caleb came on AIM, and he didn’t sign off, even though it would’ve been obvious to him that Oliver was on. Terrified of being ignored yet again, Oliver didn’t say anything to Caleb until more than ten minutes after Caleb got online. And then he couldn’t take it anymore and started typing, saying Caleb’s name over and over. He didn’t really expect a response, but he tried. It took only half a minute for Caleb to say something back, and a hundred different emotions hit Oliver at the same time; he was thankful that he’d finally gotten to say something and get a response, happy that Caleb was speaking to him, but upset because even through the computer, Oliver could feel the chill of Caleb’s words. All this, combined with the unyielding pain in his head, made him cry again. Desperate to make his boyfriend come home, he read the words that were blurred from tears, typed with shaking hands, and reminded himself to breathe constantly. He felt like he was falling apart, but he would be reassembled if he could just convince his other half--better half--to come home. But even after ten minutes, things didn’t seem to be getting any better. Caleb was angry with him, tired of lying and tired of having to deal with it while Oliver just ignored it. Eventually he said that he loved him, but it was mixed with doubt. And it hurt so badly to read, since Oliver knew that even if Caleb had somehow moved on, he never would. He wanted to fix this, wanted to go back to being happy, no matter what it was going to take. As soon as he had told himself he’d do anything, Caleb made a condition: Oliver was to stop hitting him. Oliver didn’t reply for what seemed like a thousand years. It would be difficult to try to stop when he hadn’t ever tried to start to begin with. The hitting just sort of happened. Reading Caleb’s request, though, made him feel worse about it because it was really the first indication (besides leaving, of course) that Caleb was really bothered by it. Oliver promised eventually, but Caleb still didn’t seem convinced. After what felt like hours of begging and apologizing, Caleb finally said he’d come home, and Oliver was euphoric. But also afraid. There was that, too, because what if something didn’t go according to plan? It would. It would have to or he didn’t know how he could handle it. Time went so slowly between when Callie signed off and when he got home. Oliver was nervous and anxious and still choking back tears and still nursing a killer headache, but it didn’t matter because seeing Caleb would make it better. He could see it now. Caleb would walk in and they’d lock eyes for a split second before becoming unable to stand not being in each others’ arms. Caleb would be tired but relatively unharmed, and he’d instantly forgive Oliver once he saw how much Ollie had missed him. They would have to talk eventually, of course, but for a while, words wouldn’t be enough to express how wonderful it was to be back together. And Oliver’s headache would melt away unnoticed. He’d only realize that it didn’t hurt anymore when they were laying peacefully side-by-side in bed that night. The image was so vivid, it was like it’d already happened. But as it hadn’t, Oliver sat by the door, waiting for an eternity in the silent house, head feeling slightly less painful because of the excellent distraction this waiting allowed for. He could imagine his head not hurting anymore. It seemed possible, but only with Caleb next to him. With Caleb coming back, his mind allowed him to believe that yes, eventually it would stop, and so it didn’t seem to bad anymore. Caleb’s car finally entering the driveway was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. He’s home. He’s finally home and we’re going to be okay. Things are going to work out. He could hear his heard pounding in his ears. A car door slammed. A few more seconds... And then there he was. Caleb. My Callie Bear. Had Oliver been standing the moment he stepped through the door, he might’ve been knocked over. He felt weak at the sight. It was too good to be true. But Caleb looked bad, Oliver noted with regret. His face was heavily bruised, even after days that it had had to heal. Oliver couldn’t even imagine how it had looked before, and he didn’t want to. He already felt guilty enough. And Caleb looked tired and confused and cautious. On the whole, he looked a bit more composed than Oliver felt, but that never meant much. Oliver had always been the easier one to read. He wore his heart on his sleeve and really showed his emotions, whereas Caleb hid it all away. That would have to change. Look where it had put them, after all. But they could fix it. Communication. They needed to talk. Oliver stood quickly, only barely resisting the urge to immediately cling to his boyfriend. Unlike in his imagination, it looked like things needed to be talked through before anything else, which was a thought confirmed when Caleb didn’t touch him, either. Hearing his own name spoken by Caleb was both wonderful and terrifying. Oliver couldn’t read his tone and so he didn’t know what to think, even when Caleb said they needed to talk. Of course they needed to talk, but how would the talking end? That was what he really needed to know. If they could just skip to the end result and then go back to the beginning and work forward, it would be perfect. Not knowing was the worst of it. Was it worth talking if they’d just end up unhappy again? He had no idea what to say first. He wanted to apologize a million times and take back every time he’d ever hit him. He wanted to make Caleb understand that no matter what, he loved him and never wanted to be without him. He wanted to ask Caleb what they could do to fix everything. But when he opened his mouth to speak, something entirely different came out. Though he didn’t know why, Oliver was yelling. He wasn’t angry, why was he yelling? Even as it happened, he questioned what was going on. It wasn’t him feeling this way, was it? “How could you just--leave like that, Caleb? Why--would you think--that’s okay? I don’t--understand.”

[/color]

It took a moment for him to realize how broken everything sounded. He was breathing heavily in the middle of phrases, but he wasn’t sure exactly why he felt out of breath. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep his hand away from the pain in his head; standing had made it worse. Something was terribly wrong. He felt lightheaded, his vision was going dark...

Maybe it was the headache, or the lack of sleep, or the not eating, or the overwhelming emotions. Maybe it was withdrawal, or a flashback of something he didn’t remember taking. Maybe it was something else entirely. But whatever was going on, it seemed to have blown a fuse.

Oliver was out cold, even before his head hit the wall as his body crumbled to the ground.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] These past days Caleb had so much on his mind it was difficult to form a proper thought out of any of it. His thoughts felt so scattered, his heart so broke and he was tired of feeling numb. Tired of seeing the bruises on his nose and coming home to an empty bed to lay his head on. When Oliver was there, things were easier. Even by just sitting by his side, Oliver made Caleb's stresses fall away. When Caleb would talk to him about things, whatever Oliver said would smooth it out. Oliver was the only one who could ever make Caleb see sense. How could he think that he didn't love him? Oliver was his other half he completed Caleb like no one else ever could, ever would. This would be fixed, Caleb hoped. Maybe. Now he was getting confused again and so little made sense. Seeing Oliver again did not help matters at all. Caleb could almost feel his resolve breaking. He wanted so bad to collapse into Oliver's arms and call this talk of. How could he stand up to those eyes. He felt so shaky, so terrified of the unknown that lay before him. It was not fair, however, to either of them, this wavering of feelings. It wasn't a real thing though, before now Caleb had never said that he didn't love Oliver, even when he was hurt. Caleb would give his whole to Oliver even when Oliver yelled at him. It was who he was. Only now things were changing and it was such an unsure circumstance Caleb didn't know what to think. He was tired of this confusion. Oliver did not deserve this pain if Caleb was going to end up leaving him. There was a noted silence, where the two men just stood, staring. A million times and a million more Caleb imagined just grabbing Oliver. He did not. That in itself said magnitudes. Caleb was good at hiding his emotions though. If he actually told someone he was hurt or acted on this fact, or said he needed to talk to them, it was extremely important. Caleb dealt with things on his own. Even if he was in pain, he preferred to suffer in silence rather than draw attention to himself. Caleb was about to speak, until Oliver opened his mouth. He was so shocked by the yelling that he took a step back. Why was Oliver yelling at him? Caleb was so sure that Oliver had been sad and pleading and anything but angry. He was always awful at reading emotions but he couldn't have been this bad. Oliver sounded so mad though and so confused Caleb couldn't help but feel so guilty. He had been so awful and so selfish and hadn't even thought of Oliver. Why did he have to be such a coward and not talk to him? Caleb had every right to be mad at Oliver of course, and every right to want to talk to him, but he could not realize this. His thoughts weren't even processed fully before Oliver collapsed on the ground. “Ollie!” the strangled noise came out of Calebs throat and he was on the ground beside his boyfriend. Caleb pushed Oliver's hair away from his face, looking at his closed eyes, the vacant expression on Ollie's face. “Oliver?” he questioned, feeling so much confusion rise in his head. Oliver did not move, did not respond just lay there. “Ollie bearrr,” he cooed, shaking him, not realizing that his hands were shaking. Caleb felt so cold. His brain was not functioning. How long he sat there, his boyfriend unresponsive in his arms, saying his name over and over, Caleb didn't know. Finally, he got the brilliant idea he needed to call an ambulance. Now. Who would have thought calling 911 would take so long. Caleb handled his phone carefully, one arm still around an unconscious Oliver in his lap. The phone rang for ages before he was connected. It was as he told the lady on the phone that his boyfriend had just collapsed that Caleb realized he was crying. She had to ask him several times to calm down before Caleb could get a coherent sentence out. “Yes, yes, my boyfriend just collapsed and I don't know why,” he said. Why couldn't they just come now? Then she was asking Caleb things and he just couldn't comprehend. Why did he need to check Oliver's pulse and breathing? Because he could be dead his mind politely informed him. Caleb was scrambling for Oliver's wrist so fast he nearly dropped the phone. He found something like a pulse but he felt so clumsy so unsure. He could feel Oliver breathing still. Oh good god, he was alive. So then the nurse was off asking stupid things like had Oliver drank that day or what he ate and what he did and what did this have to do with anything. Caleb realized, however, he did not know. Oliver could be dehydrated or poisoned or have overdosed on something and Caleb wouldn't know because he hadn't been home. Why did he ever have to leave. After what seemed like ages, the nurse finally asked after Caleb's address, deeming this enough of an emergency to send an ambulance. Caleb felt like it took way to long. If calling for an ambulance took long, waiting for one was longer. Caroline shouldn't have had many emergencies but Caleb felt like he was waiting for a good hour. His hand stayed on Oliver's neck now, measuring a steady pulse and counting the seconds. Finally outside there was a rush of sirens and the door was being pounded on. Not wanting to leave his post Caleb shouted for them to come in. It was all a rush them. The paramedics pushed Caleb back despite his protests and they were surrounding Oliver like hawks. They measured his pulse with such accuracy Caleb felt stupid. They asked Caleb a million questions that he honestly tried to answer but he was still in tears and before he knew it Oliver was strapped to a gurney and the paramedics were talking to each other. Someone was saying something to Caleb but he didn't even hear because he was so attached to Oliver. Caleb was still holding his hand, despite the fact that Oliver's was limp in his own. Then they were trying to push Caleb away from the gurney as they loaded Oliver up into the ambulance. Someone was saying something about family only. Caleb was not going to stand for that shit, he was better than Oliver's family. Exasperated, they let Caleb ride with Oliver to the hospital, hands still attached like it was Caleb's last anchor on earth. Where did he get all these tears from? It was only once they reached the hospital that anyone was able to tear Caleb from Oliver. His eyes stung so much and he didn't have much fight in him. In the ambulance, looking at Oliver, Caleb had started to let his thoughts settle. This was not a good thing. So the doctors directed Caleb to a waiting room and he did not have much protest for he knew they had to do some testing to see what was wrong with Oliver. So, he went to sit in the emergency waiting room, left alone with his thoughts and a hovering depression so massive it could crush the life out of anyone once it descended.	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,255 tagged , ollie bird! notes , i hope this is alright>>
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww30/Panda22Panda22/eyhas.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you There was about half a second when Oliver woke up that he spent wondering where he was, why he was there, how he’d gotten there, who these people were, why they were not Caleb, and, most importantly, where Caleb was now. He wanted to ask these strangers all these questions, but he was hardly awake long enough to think of all of them before his head began to feel as though it was being run over by a steamroller. He’d never in his life dealt with anything that hurt this much. Even if the emotional pain of not having Caleb the past few days had been converted to physical pain, still he would not have been hurting this badly. He didn’t know what was wrong, but he needed it to stop or he might black out again. Instinct tried to make him hold his head again, but he couldn’t because he found his arms to be strapped to whatever it was he was laying on. It took him far too long to realize that he was in a hospital, considering that he was surrounded by people in scrubs who were asking him questions. He couldn’t understand. All he knew was that he was probably dying because no one healthy could hurt this much. He hadn’t realized he was moaning about his head until one of the nurses got frustrated with him and snapped that she knew his head hurt and would he please just answer the questions they were asking him if he could. Oliver tried to cooperate, but there were a lot of things he couldn’t remember. Had he eaten that day? He didn’t know. He didn’t remember being drunk or high or anything, that was certain, but all he knew for sure was that he had spent all day waiting for Caleb. Caleb showed up, there was yelling, and then he didn’t remember anything until waking up. After what felt like hours of trying to talk to these people about what was wrong with him, they decided perhaps he was suffering from cluster headaches or something and they would treat him for it as soon as they had checked his brain to see whether he had been concussed from his fall. The only thing that really registered for him was that they would get him something for the pain soon, and that’s all that mattered to him. He just wanted the pain to stop. As he laid there inside the MRI scanner, he had some time to think, since he wasn’t allowed to move or anything. It was then that he decided he wanted to die. It would be better than this. He deserved it, anyway, for the way he’d treated Caleb in the past. He was a terrible boyfriend, he didn’t deserve Caleb anymore. He had used up all his chances and now he deserved what he got. Caleb would be sad without him, sure, but he’d find someone better. Someone who didn’t get high all the time and say stupid things and hit him for no reason. Caleb would fall in love again and do it right this time. But then he took the thought further. He didn’t deserve to die. He was past that point. It made sense to keep him alive with this pain. He deserved to have to live without Caleb and with the pain. That way everyone was happy. Except him, but he didn’t deserve to be happy anymore. The thoughts got quite redundant after a while. It was impossible for Oliver to say how long exactly he laid there perfectly still, wishing he could just die and get it over with, wishing maybe the walls of the machine he was in would just start to collapse and they could crush him. Then Caleb or his parents or someone could sue and get money out of his tragic death and... Oliver found himself being taken out from the machine and put back on the gurney he had been on before and they wheeled him to a room. Tubes were jabbed into his arms and everyone was talking at him but nothing was registering except the command given by one of the doctors to a nurse: “Go get the boyfriend.”

[/color]

It felt like another thousand years before Caleb showed up. “Caleb. Callie Bear what’s going on?”[/color] he choked out, still finding it hard to focus on anything but the pain in his head, though he did suspect that one of the tubes in his arms was pumping some sort of painkiller into his system because he felt slightly less hopeful for death. But that also could have been because Caleb was finally beside him.

“You’ll want to sit down,”[/color] the doctor told Caleb in a rather bored voice, completely unnecessarily since he was already in the chair beside Oliver’s bed and holding his hand.

The doctor cleared his throat and stood at the foot of Oliver’s bed, looking between Oliver and Caleb. Oliver, his head definitely feeling slightly better now, found it difficult to look away from Caleb, who still looked so broken and defeated.

“We have good news and bad news. The good news is simply that your concussion is rather mild and you shouldn’t see too many lasting effects of it. And then the bad news...”[/color] he said, handing Oliver a scan of his brain. “The dark grey patch is a tumor, which we believe is causing most of your head pain. We’ll have to do some followup tests to determine if it’s cancerous or not, but either way, we would advise considering radiation therapy to shrink it. We can’t promise that it will go away entirely, but by shrinking it, the pressure on your brain will go down, which should decrease the pain and stop any other effects it may be having on your behavior.”[/color]

Oliver didn’t know what exactly his emotions were doing at the moment. It was impossible not to be relieved by the painkillers rushing through his bloodstream that were making his head feel better. And he was glad to finally be touching Caleb again. Arguably there were plenty of things to be glad about. But then there was the picture in his hand. And the tumor in his head.

How was he supposed to react? The only thing Oliver could think to do was squeeze Caleb’s hand. Maybe his boyfriend could make this not be happening right now.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] Sitting in the waiting room was probably the worst few hours of Calebs life that he'd been through. He was stuck there, knowing nothing, just waiting. He honestly wished he could sleep so that he didn't have to think because that would be so much easier. Caleb felt so tired. The tears had finally stopped. There were too many things on Calebs mind. He needed to figure these things out, while he still had time. As much as he was worried about Oliver, he knew there was nothing to be done. Ollie was still breathing and he seemed healthy. So, he just had to wait. Oliver could have been dehydrated, or most likely going through withdrawal. Caleb decided that this was his time to figure things out. First and foremost, his biggest problem was his feelings for Oliver. Sitting here with Oliver possibly on the brink of death (honestly, that was such an over reaction right now), Caleb knew that he loved him. Why was it always when the things we love were going to be taken away that we decide that they are worth holding onto? Caleb did not feel like he wanted to give Oliver up, he knew he still wanted to try. However, he identified with the fact that he was considering the possibility of not being with Oliver before. As awful as that was, it was still there and Caleb had to add that into his equation. Now that Oliver was going to be taken away from him though, or he could be, Caleb couldn't help but latch onto him. So, was this a circumstantial thing or did Caleb still honestly love Oliver? This would be better to be talked about. If something could be done about Oliver's anger problems and their communication errors, then Caleb honestly felt like he would still love Oliver with all his heart. The addiction also had to go. Caleb let out a deep sigh, holding his head. His mind felt more calm, by a bit. He had time to breathe. These were the things that he knew. He did not want to break up with Oliver. Even if Oliver wanted to break up with him. He wanted to try at this relationship. In this moment, he loved Oliver. He would do anything to keep this. It was easy enough. There were so many other things, but he did not try to keep them. Instead, Caleb simply lent back in his chair, closing his eyes, letting his mind wander. It took a bit, but Caleb finally arrived at the place where he stored all his happy moments with Oliver. There were a lot, over the past year. It wasn't even the biggest, most romantic things that stuck with Caleb. It was the small things, so insignificant it wouldn't even matter. Like sitting on their couch, listening to music and then dancing together. Or making cake. Or simply staring into Oliver's eyes, foreheads pressed together. How could he ever let this go? Hours passed, and Caleb felt more at peace. Of course, at that moment, the doctor came out. It was like reality hit him in the face. Every little worry and thought came back as Caleb followed the doctor in to Oliver's room. Oliver looked fine, but Caleb could see the pain on his face. He was awake and alive though. Caleb could feel a tidal wave of relief hit him. He sat down beside Oliver quickly, taking his hand and staring at him. Hearing Oliver talk broke his heart, he sounded so in pain. Caleb wished he could take Oliver home. He didn't have anything to say to him, he didn't know what was happening, so instead he let the doctor speak. Tumour. That word sang through Caleb's head like a gunshot. None of the other words the doctor said registered because Calebs mind was still going over that one thing. This was the second time in his life he had heard the words and he knew what it meant. He knew about the tests and the chances and everything. His breathing was erratic suddenly and he could feel himself shaking vaguely through his thoughts. A tumour was in Oliver's body, in his brain. This was so much worse then anything he could have imagined. This was worse then breaking up with him or loosing his feelings for him. If Oliver died, then Caleb would never have any sort of closure. He was shaking so bad and he almost felt faint but a squeeze on his hand drew him back down. Oliver, always his anchor. Oliver laying in the hospital bed and holding his hand and looking at him with those sad eyes. Caleb realized he was crying and making a strange noise something like a rusty door hinge under his breath. He needed to calm down, he felt that urge because he needed to be there for Oliver. But how could he calm down? His boyfriend had a tumour. All he could think about his mother, the worry that Caleb went through with her. With Oliver, it honestly felt a thousand times worse. Oliver couldn't die! The doctor said something about radiation therapy and Caleb remembered his mother considering that for her tumour. The risks involved, the side effects. This was so horrible. Caleb felt so torn. He felt like he needed to get away for a bit, to collect his thoughts. He also wanted to jump into Oliver's bed and cuddle up with him. Caleb settled for sinking into his chair, his arm still outstretched and hand tangled in Olivers. He hadn't noticed the doctor had left them alone, probably scared away by Calebs reaction. “Ollie,” he muttered, and then the tears increased. God. Caleb took deep breaths, needing this moment to himself, trying to think. He couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. Caleb knew Oliver probably needed something from him, and this was in no way about what Caleb was feeling. Oliver didn't even know that Caleb's mother had cancer. It was now that Caleb realized how little he told Oliver over the year, how horrible that was. Of course now, when Oliver could die any day and there wasn't enough time in the world to tell Oliver everything he had never said.	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,050 tagged , ollie bird! notes , asdfghjkl;;lhkjgjhfgdfdfghjkl;
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww30/Panda22Panda22/eyhas.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you Seeing Caleb cry over him was perhaps the most painful part of this whole thing. Oliver wanted to tell him it would be okay and kiss away his tears and hold him and fix everything, but he didn't know exactly how could he do that when there was some unreachable demon growing in his head and the only reason it didn’t feel like it was clawing it’s way out anymore was because of the drugs that were being pumped into him. It was too much. All of this. He didn’t know how to handle the fact that he could be dying right after he’d finally gotten Caleb back. It wasn’t fair. The nagging feeling of deserving it was still hanging over it. Maybe if he’d been nicer to Caleb. Maybe if he hadn’t ever started doing drugs. Maybe if he had stopped that time when Caleb told him he needed to. There had to be something he could have done to make him not have deserved this, but he knew that the way things had turned out, he really did. Caleb, however, didn’t deserve all this to happen to him. As unfair as it felt to Oliver, it had to be worse for Caleb, who hadn’t done anything wrong and still had to watch his boyfriend potentially dying. It didn’t even matter that they hadn’t tested it yet, Oliver knew it was cancer and he knew he was going to die and it was so unfair. He was surprised that he hadn’t actually started crying yet. Maybe it was shock; he could be too stunned to cry. Or maybe he just knew by now that crying only made his head hurt worse, and after what he’d woken up to, he didn’t want to start making things worse for himself. It was finally feeling better, after all. “Caleb. I’m sorry,”

[/color] he said, though he wasn’t sure exactly what he was sorry for. For everything, he supposed. For hitting him, for doing drugs, for having this tumor in his brain. “I’m so glad you came back. I missed you so much. I love you.”[/color]

Maybe this wasn’t the best time for saying things like this, but he needed to say them. It was probably illogical to think that just because they now knew about the tumor that it would kill him right here, but that’s how it felt. And so he said these things just in case there wasn’t going to be time to say them later.

After what felt like hours of listening to Caleb cry and wondering why he himself hadn’t reached that point, Oliver shifted over so he was closer to his boyfriend and pulled Caleb’s head down to rest on his shoulder, petting his hair. “If we were at home right now, what would we be talking about?”[/color]

Oliver wasn’t sure exactly why he changed the subject, nor if it would help or hurt them. But the sinking feeling hadn’t gone away since the doctor had handed him the scan of his brain and he desperately needed something that took his mind off of it. And maybe Caleb would refuse to talk about it (wouldn’t that be irony: Caleb not wanting to talk about their problems) and they’d go back to what was happening now, but it was worth a try.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you when you got home,”[/color] he said quietly. “I don’t know why I did that.”[/color]

He wanted to know what happened after he had passed out, but he was too afraid to ask. He didn’t want to make Caleb tell him until he was ready to think about it again. But there were so many questions in his mind. How long had be been unconscious for? It had felt like only a few moments, but it had to have been more than that for him to have gotten to the hospital, after all. And that brought up the question of how he’d gotten there. Would they have let Caleb in the ambulance? Maybe Caleb just drove him himself. That seemed less likely, though, since Oliver couldn’t see his boyfriend being able to drive under that sort of pressure. He wondered if his parents knew yet. If they didn’t... He just didn’t want to be the one to have to tell them.

What a cheerful visit that would have been: Mom, Dad, I know you’re already super stressed out because your daughter’s missing but I thought you should know that I have a brain tumor that may or may not be cancer. Either way I need radiation to shrink it because otherwise it causes excruciating pain.

If that was going to be the case, he might as well top off the cake in saying that he was addicted to crack cocaine and abused his boyfriend.

Yeah, they’d probably take that pretty well.

Oliver decided eventually that that was one question he definitely needed the answer to. “Do you know if they told my parents I’m here yet?”[/color] he asked.

Although, it would put them in a bit of an awkward position if his parents did show up. After all, Caleb’s face was still pretty banged up and, knowing his parents and how much they liked Caleb, they’d ask him about it. And it’d be difficult for both of them: Caleb for having to lie again, and Oliver for having to hear it.

It made him wonder how often Caleb had to make up excuses for the things Oliver did. Thinking that way made him feel like he deserved this again, but he pushed those thoughts away because they weren’t helping anyone.

“What time is it?”[/color] he asked after a while. There weren’t any windows in his room, so he didn’t even know if it was day or night.

In all honesty, Oliver didn’t know how he was even functional. He kept talking like everything was okay and it totally baffled him. For the past few days, he’d spent more time crying than he spent not crying. And now he knew there was a tumor with the ability to kill him in an undefined amount of time and he was somehow handling it without sobbing all over the place. It didn’t make any sense.

He just wanted to go home. He wanted to forget about this whole thing until he and Caleb had fixed their relationship problems, and then they could focus on the fact that Oliver could be dying. He didn’t want all the loose ends left hanging. But he knew things wouldn’t work like that.[/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] For Caleb, crying was a rare thing. He saw tears as weak. It was embarrassing for him to cry in front of others. Even with Oliver, it was so rare for him to cry. These past few days he'd cried more than he had in the past year, most likely. He certainly felt like he did. And now he was sitting in front of Oliver with the water works again. He felt so broken and defeated. It was the bruises on his face and the pain in his heart and the complete confusion of everything. There was no telling what was going to happen now but Caleb was sure Oliver was going to die. Stop it his brain shouted at him aggressively. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say and sitting here crying about it would not make it change. He needed to be a grown up. It was so hard though, hearing Oliver's words and seeing him and knowing this would be one of the last times Caleb held Oliver. This was not what he wanted to think about, but he had to. He didn't want to pretend anymore. This was not a problem that could just be fixed within a day. If Oliver did have a chance of survival, it would be a long battle. Caleb knew, however, he'd be with his boyfriend the whole way through, if he wanted him. It was confusing when Oliver spoke. Caleb had been sure that Oliver hated him or something to the like. How could Oliver ever want him back after what he'd done? It wasn't even fair. Perhaps though, Oliver was just pitying Caleb, because he could see how much pain he was in. Caleb would have preferred Oliver break up with him to him dying though. With a break up, at least Callie could have some closure. With death, he'd never be able to get over Oliver and end up alone for the rest of his life. At least that was what he deserved. He sighed, holding Oliver's hand tighter because more than anything he just wanted to hold onto him and never let go. “I love you too Oliver” he said, but his voice sounded dead. Caleb couldn't say anything else, couldn't force those words out of his lips. Their previous problems seemed dim compared to this, and yet Caleb knew they would still have to talk about them. There were so many can's of worms in Caleb’s life that he didn't even know he had. He closed himself up and off and pretended to be happy and that he had no problems. Caleb couldn't even realize he had equal problems as people like Oliver, even if he had lived a charmed life. Instead he just felt like his luck was running out, but how could he deal with the present when the past held so much weight? Caleb didn't know how long his tears lasted until they slowly started to disappear and he heard Oliver shifting, the first noise in the room besides his pathetic sniffling in a while. He felt calm when Oliver pulled his head to rest on his shoulder. Perhaps things would be okay, there was always a tiny little ray of hope that Caleb's luck would pull through again. He thought about Oliver's words, finding it difficult to pull himself away from this moment. To be at home, to be happy and normal and as if nothing ever happened. “We would be talking about...going to the beach again. Laughing at that one picture you took of that woman, arguing over what movie to watch. We'd talk about the weather and our bed and...how good you smell,” Caleb finally replied, feeling a ghost of a smile flutter over his face. It was nice, to think about these things, for the time being. Not have to worry about the things unsaid, and everything else between them. Caleb moved his arm, and slipped his hand into Oliver's free one, not caring. At Oliver's words of apology, Caleb simply shook his head. Oliver didn't have to be sorry, he had been under stress, and even if it was awful, perhaps it was allowed. They had both been under a lot of stress. Caleb felt like he had so much to say to Oliver, but he couldn't form the words in his thoughts. They were there, but they couldn't be formed into physical things. There was one thing above all else that Caleb wanted to tell Oliver, one of the many things that he had not told anyone else. So instead he let the silence hang between them, and let Oliver speak when he wanted to. This was about Oliver and it didn't matter what Caleb was thinking, he would let Oliver talk about what he wanted to talk about. Oh, his Ollie bird. Caleb squeezed his hand, closing his eyes and trying not to think. It was hard when his heart felt so shattered. He picked up his head slightly at Olivers words. “I...I'm not sure Ollie. I'm guessing they must've, or they will soon. They barely let me come here with you, so I'm pretty sure they're on top of telling your family.” Caleb was not going to be the one making that call. He loved Oliver's parents, they were amazing. However, he could not stomach telling them that their son was dying. Perhaps, though, if Penny somehow got wind of this she would come home. If she didn't, Caleb knew he would give her a talking too next time he saw her. Of all the things to be thinking about, giving Oliver's sister heck for leaving him. He sighed, dragged back to life again by Oliver. “It's about seven in the morning,” he said. He'd stayed up all night, and he couldn't believe that 12 hours ago he'd still been in a hotel. He knew he had work to think about, but this was a personal emergency, that could wait. “Oliver...” Caleb spoke suddenly, his voice wary. “I want to tell you something.” He knew this was about Oliver and saying anything was selfish. For some reason, he felt it had to be done though. He took a breath, calming himself down.“My mom has cancer...”	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,049 tagged , ollie bird! notes , asdfghjkl;;lhkjgjhfgdfdfghjkl;
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww30/Panda22Panda22/eyhas.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you Hearing that Caleb still loved him after everything that Oliver was putting him through made everything feel that much better. The words still sounded hollow and lifeless, but Oliver had to believe that it was because of the current situation and how it was making Caleb feel, rather than the words not being true. He needed Caleb to still love him, because what else was there to live for if not his relationship with Caleb? Oliver had a great number of friends, certainly, and a family that loved him, but there was nothing that held him here as effectively as his boyfriend did. The fact that they had just fought almost strengthened that. They wouldn’t be able to sort anything out if he died, and he couldn’t let that happen. There had to be some closure. Oliver closed his eyes as Caleb spoke, listening to his words and trying to imagine them really happening. He could almost see them just going back to being happy and normal, all assorted bruises and tumors gone, with nothing to worry about except when Caleb would get home that day. They could sit together and watch old movies and laugh at the cheesy effects. Oliver could do Caleb’s makeup and they could take stupid pictures. They’d go out to dinner and exchange stories about the bizarre things that happen while they’re working. And they’d go home and spend the night-and every night after-together. It was those thoughts that finally made him start crying: the fact that there was so much that they could still have together, and the possibility that it might not happen, or it could be cut short. Silently, he let the tears streak down his face, not wanting to let go of Caleb’s hands so he could wipe them away. Who knew how many more times they’d have a chance to just sit there together? He was going to take advantage of every moment. He nodded slightly when Caleb told him that his parents had or soon would be informed, just glad that he wouldn’t have to do it himself. He did wonder slightly why they hadn’t come to see him yet, but when Caleb told him the time, it made more sense. They had probably been asleep when the hospital called, and wouldn’t have heard the phone. Oliver thought for a moment that it would be better this way, letting them have the night’s peace. It would’ve been such a terrible thing to wake up to, hearing that their only son was being hospitalized. But then, maybe the hospital would have left a message. In the morning when they woke up and noticed a message on the answering machine, they’d feel terrible for having slept through the call. There was no good way to do this. No matter when or how they found out, the message would be the same: Oliver was dying. There wasn’t a way to make it less terrible than it was. That was when he first thought of Penny. He wondered if she would come back to see him, and what she would bring trailing behind her. She had a tendency to disappear alone and reappear with a new boyfriend. A few years ago, when Oliver’s father had had his appendix removed, a fifteen year old Penelope Cardinal showed up in his hospital room, holding hands with a twenty-nine year old Italian underwear model. It hadn’t been a warm meeting, if Oliver remembered correctly. He wasn’t sure which would be worse: Penny coming back for him or staying away. He was still upset with her, after all, and the idea of her coming back and expecting them to be okay just made him angry. But if she didn’t show up, he’d be forced to believe that she really didn’t care about him. Caleb had told him that once, on the day his parents told him that Penny was missing. Oliver didn’t believe that Caleb really thought that, but if she didn’t show up... Hearing Caleb say his name brought him back to earth. “Yeah?”

[/color] he said, just to prove he was paying attention. He didn’t know what to expect, but his mind jumped to the worst. Caleb wouldn’t break up with him while he was dying, would he? It was no more than he deserved, though...

Needless to say, Oliver hadn’t expected to hear what Caleb actually said. He hadn’t realized that he could feel any worse that day, but it felt like his insides had frozen again. The idea that Caleb could lose his boyfriend and his mother... Caleb was too good a person to have these things happen to him.

“...Oh.” He didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t anything he could think of that could sufficiently express how he felt about it. It was terrible, of course, and he wanted to offer some sort of sympathy, but he couldn’t find the words. And he wanted to know how long he had known what kind it was and just everything, but asking those questions seemed insensitive. The whole thing just made Oliver want out of this situation even more. He couldn’t have cancer. It wasn’t fair to Caleb.

“Caleb, I’m sorry,”[/color] he said eventually. Without more information, he was afraid to say anything else.

It was only a few minutes later that his parents showed up in his room.

“Oh, Oliver,”[/color] his mother said, flying to his side and hugging him. “We only just saw the message saying you were here! How are you feeling? Did you sleep at all? What have the doctor’s said?”[/color] she asked rapidly. Oliver doubted she breathed at all. “The message was terribly vague, it just said you were in the hospital...”[/color]

His father said nothing, simply stood a little distance away, looking rather pale. Neither paid much attention to Caleb at first.

Having been forced to let go of his boyfriend when his mother hugged him, Oliver had his hands free to hand his parents the picture of his brain without explanation. He couldn’t say it. They could take from it whatever they found. Some doctor could tell them what it meant.

The two of them stood together, gazing at the scan without comment for a long time. Oliver couldn’t look at them, couldn’t stand the idea of seeing them realize that something was wrong, so he went back to watching Caleb, wondering how long it would be before his parents asked about his bruises. Oliver didn’t blame them for not paying Caleb any attention at first, but that wouldn’t last. They liked Caleb too much to ignore him.

It made Oliver wonder if Caleb and his parents would stay close if he died. [/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] Caleb has always been a bit of a romantic. He had only experienced love a few times before Oliver. He first was confusing and stupid and Caleb didn't even count it. The second was his first real love. They re together for seven months before everything literally fell apart. The boy told Caleb he had simply lost feelings for him. That was it. It wasn't fair for the to be together anymore. At that time, Caleb was confused. How could you just loose a feeling so deep and natural it was like breathing? It still hurt sometimes, but now he had Ollie. He understood now though, in a way. Caleb had reasons for feeling the way he was, or rather not feeling. The boy had no reason, he just said they had gone. It made Caleb feel like he had never loved him at all. Caleb knew he loved Oliver. Love was so complicated and confusing. Caleb did not know, however, how many ties Oliver had been in love. They never discussed it. With the things Caleb had heard, he didn’t even want to know how many people – and he said people because Caleb knew Oliver had been with girls before – Oliver had slept with. This was one of the many things that Caleb now felt like they should discuss. Caleb could count the number of boys he had slept with on two hands. Slept with being a relative turn because he had fooled around with many others. He was in college. Oliver, however, Caleb would bet he didn't even know the number or how to begin counting it. Caleb knew his boyfriend was not a whore, he was just a young man. These things happened and Caleb trusted Oliver more than anything. This communication barrier was a big problem. They had been together for a year and a half, and Caleb knew a lot about Oliver. He could fill books and books with the little things he knew about Oliver. Recently, with all the problems though, they hadn't talked and the didn't talk before about issues. It bothered Caleb so much now. He wanted to sit Oliver down and list of all the things he needed to say and finally have a real conversation with his boyfriend. Work had been keeping him so tied up and he did honestly feel distant from him. This sickness did not help either. Caleb wanted to push him away because he felt like he could not stand the thought of Oliver dying. Caleb didn't know how he could deal with that pain so maybe if he loved Oliver less than he could deal with the pain. But there was no getting rid of love. Even in the case of Caleb's ex-boyfriend, he felt maybe that man still had feelings for him. He just had to deal with shit in his own life, and find a boy he really could love. So he knew it was pointless, trying to push Oliver away. Why bother, when all he wanted was to pull Oliver closer and not waste another day without him? Caleb didn't care about work right now, he needed to be with Oliver. As soon as Oliver started crying, Caleb felt worse. He hadn't been able to keep it together, but Oliver had and that helped him. It should have been the other way, with Oliver crying and Caleb being the rock. It was strange, in fact, that Oliver wasn't crying. He was the more emotional one in the relationship. Caleb never cried. Everything was so backwards. He felt so selfish, then, for even bothering to think of his problems. He had already been feeling selfish, but this was worse. He sighed, petting Oliver's hair softly. Their bodies felt tangled up, but in Calebs mind, they could not be close enough. He wished they would make the damn hospital beds large enough for two people, but that would be a waste of money and to much temptation. Caleb was sure the nurses would love walking in on that sort of thing, especially between two men. Of course, it had probably happened before. Caleb dragged his thoughts back to Oliver, feeling worse now that he had mentioned his mother. He understood Oliver was sorry, but he knew that nothing else could be say. Caleb felt like he should explain it, but he didn't know where to start. Despite the urge to open up being present, Caleb couldn't without questions. Perhaps if he told Oliver that he needed to ask questions – about anything he wanted – this would work. When Oliver's parents suddenly arrived, Caleb was saved of having to say anything. He sat back as his hand was released. He had not felt the awkward tension in the room before, but now that Oliver's parents were here, it was gone. That lacking made it obvious. There was so much tension in the air between Oliver and Caleb. He watched the interaction, not wanting to bring much attention to himself. Partway for the bruises, partway for reasons he could not put into words. As Oliver's parents looked at Oliver's brain scan, Caleb stood behind them. He couldn't take this anymore, the walls were closing in on them. “I'm going to go out to the waiting room,” he said. His voice was quiet, but every word could be heard in the loud room. He was using the excuse that Oliver needed to talk to his parents without Caleb there. Caleb knew neither Oliver's parents nor Oliver would care if he were there. This was one thing a family should deal with by themselves for a while anyway. Caleb knew that. He also knew he needed time to think. Caleb walked the few steps to Oliver, kissing his forehead, planning to leave just after than. But being so close to his boyfriend again and smelling his hair, Caleb stopped, still leaning over him. He grabbed Oliver's chin lightly, pulling his face to look into Oliver's eyes. “I love you, Ollie,” he said, as if he were trying to prove something, or if this fact was very important. This time, the words felt full of meaning. With a soft kiss on Oliver's lips, he sighed, and left the family to themselves.	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,047 tagged , ollie bird! notes , so many emotions D:
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0

[oliver rhys cardinal]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 440px; height: 600px; background-image: url(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww30/Panda22Panda22/eyhas.jpg);  -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius:100px 100px 100px 100px; border: 3px solid #ffffff;] if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you Now that the painkillers had made his headache go away, Oliver was forced to focus on how much how much everything else was hurting. There was no physical pain to distract him from his emotional turmoil, and that, if anything, was worse. Oliver thrived off of distractions. Anything that kept him from concentrating on how badly he’d fucked up was good, because Oliver had always believed that dwelling on problems just made them more real. If he could just push them away, they’d eventually disappear. It never worked like that, though. Eventually, when you push all the dust under the rug, you end up with a mountain of dust. And Oliver felt exposed, without the cover of the pain to prevent thoughts he didn’t want. He was angry at himself for letting any of this happen and upset that Callie had gotten hurt in the meantime. It was then that he first fully appreciated how badly love could hurt. His past relationships had been petty and insignificant. They could hardly have been called more than infatuation. When the feelings went away, it hadn’t really been a surprise. But this was more important than some crush he’d had. This was real, it had to be, and if Caleb tried to leave him, that would be it. There’d be no reason to go on. His friends would have each other, his parents would still have Penny. Without Caleb to miss him, there’d be no reason to fight for his life. There hadn’t been enough time to talk. For all Oliver knew, Caleb had come back home to get his stuff and leave. He could be waiting for the right moment to tell him he couldn’t be with him anymore. At the moment, Oliver felt numb from that fear. He didn’t want to even imagine how he’d feel if Caleb left. But as much as he wanted Caleb to stay, Oliver didn’t want his boyfriend to compromise his own happiness because Oliver was sick. That wasn’t fair. It would have made sense, he supposed, for Caleb to want to leave him. All of this was a lot to take in. On top of their fight, maybe he just didn’t have the patience to deal with it anymore. Thinking that way made him simultaneously hurt and feel empty at the same time, and he tried to push the thoughts aside. Distraction came from his parents’ appearance, which he was thankful for until he noticed Caleb retreating. It was obvious even before he stood up what he was thinking. The next moments happened in slow motion, yet were over before he could find a way to hold on to them. It didn’t occur to Oliver that Caleb could be telling the truth and would just go wait outside for Oliver and his parents to get things figured out. In his mind, his decision to leave the room was the same as deciding to break things off. If Oliver ever got out of there, he’d go home to an empty house and an empty bed. Caleb would walk out again, and this time he wouldn’t come back. It was too much. His mind was racing too quickly to process what was happening as it occurred. He found himself being kissed, Caleb was telling him that he loved him, but what good was any of that if Callie was leaving? “Caleb,”

[/color] he said, but he couldn’t manage to complete his thought before Caleb was gone from the doorway. Please don’t leave me alone.

Within moments, Caleb’s vacated seat was taken up by Oliver’s mother, who started throwing questions at him through tears she ignored. She had always been good at functioning through her emotions, Oliver reflected. Even the first time Penny had run away, when the entire family thought she had been kidnapped and killed, their mother went to work and came home and made dinner and watched soap operas like normal. She ran errands and cleaned house and spent time with Oliver and his father and it all seemed very average, except that she almost always had tears streaking her face. It was rather fascinating for Oliver, who was constantly consumed by his feelings. It was all he could do now to answer his mother’s questions, and he had the comfort of not having any other obligations at the moment. He didn’t know how she could possibly deal with everything and not break down.

He told his parents everything he could without mentioning Caleb having been gone. He explained his head hurting every day for a few weeks but ignoring it. Oliver hadn’t even told Caleb about the headaches, hadn’t wanted to bother him with something that had seemed insignificant... He continued to say that Caleb had just been coming home like normal and Oliver, like normal, had gone to greet him, and had passed out moments after Caleb was in the door. That was true, he supposed, but it felt like lying. As close as he considered himself to be with his parents, there was so much he didn’t tell them.

It wasn’t very clear why he didn’t let them in on everything. They would’ve forced him to change, but even Oliver knew that an abusive drug addict was not someone he wanted to be. Maybe if he would’ve told his parents sooner, they wouldn’t be there, in this situation. But it was like he had thought earlier; how exactly did one go about telling their parents that they were snorting cocaine and beating their boyfriend?

This all just needed to go away. It was too much to handle all at the same time. Losing Caleb by itself was already unbearable. Dying at the same time... How could he deal with it?

Desperate for something to hold on to, Oliver told himself that maybe the tumor was benign, that he wouldn’t be handed a death sentence after his follow up tests, but he had no more reason to think that than he did to believe it was cancer.

There were a lot of impossible aspects of this situation, but the not knowing was perhaps the one that was hardest to deal with. He didn’t know whether to expect to live more than a few days, or even if he would live to finish that one. He didn’t know what the situation was with Caleb. The problems with Penny still hadn’t been resolved. And he might not even be around long enough for anything to get fixed.

Everything seemed so irreparable. He felt like giving up, felt like retiring to the idea of dying young and alone, with only his parents to mourn him. One day they’d move past it, and he’d be forgotten.

Oliver hadn’t realized he was crying until he noticed his mother encouraging him to ‘let it all out.’ His father was standing behind her chair, still silent, looking even more pale than before, if that was possible. Knowing what this was doing to them and to Caleb, he finally lost it, curling up as much as his IVs and the hospital bed would allow him, and letting himself succumb to the sobs that had been fighting to get out. [/div]

there can be only one mikey! of caution 2.0

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[caleb jay ierie]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style, background-color: #423c42;,true][cs=2] & YOU TOLD ME THINK ABOUT IT ` WELL I DID. NOW I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE I'M TIRED OF BEGGING FOR THE THINGS THAT I WANT. I'M OVER SLEEPING LIKE A DOG ON THE FLOOR. THE THING I LOVE WILL SURELY BRING ME - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- pain
[atrb=width,240] The world was trying to tear him apart. Who's great plan was it to let this happen? Was this fate or coincidence or did these things just happen to spite him? Caleb didn't know what he believed in. He believed in a world where his boyfriend was not sick, where he did not feel empty on the inside. Why did he feel empty? Caleb was sad, he was angry, he was heart broken. Now he was empty, a cavern where his heart was supposed to be. He should have felt something, anything. But he was shut down, his motors burnt out. There was too much for him to think about and to many things he wasn't sure of. He just knew Oliver couldn't die, no one could take him from Caleb. As he walked out of Oliver room and to the empty hall, he swore, punching the wall. Why did this have to happen?! The cavern was filled with a burning fire for a moment as Caleb stood, breathing tight. He wanted to rush back to Oliver, but Caleb could not stand to see his boyfriend like that. He wanted Oliver to walk out of that room and into his arms and they could go home. Instead Oliver was in that damn room with his damn tumour. Caleb had all the words in the world, but he didn't know how to speak them. So instead, Caleb pushed himself away from the wall, away from Oliver, and walked to the waiting room. He was sick of not knowing what to do. He needed time to think and analyze and maybe if he turned this into something not so emotional then he could figure out what to do. He couldn't do that though. Caleb sighed, plopping down into one of the chairs in the now almost empty waiting room. He hung his head in his hands, pushing his fingers through his hair. It felt better, to be breathing. The room was too small and he did feel like he was suffocating in there. Although Oliver usually made him calm, when he was sick, Caleb worried more. He didn't know how long he sat there for lost in his won thoughts, before a voice roused him. “Caleb?” he looked up to see a blond woman in a white coat, clipboard tucked under her arm. Caleb seemed shocked, for the moment. But where else would a doctor be? “Dr. Ivy,” he said, not bothering to stand up. “Your mother isn't due for a check up for a few months...Why are you here?” she asked. Caleb knew Dr. Ivy well, she was in charge of his mothers case. Well, she was, when they didn't know if the cancer was malignant. She still liked to keep updated on the case, and her and Caleb were something of friends. “I..umm....it's Oliver,” Caleb said, looking down, unsure. Dr. Ivy knew about his boyfriend. Her brows knitted together and Caleb looked up at the creaking of a chair to see the woman sitting next to him. “What's happened?” she sounded so concerned. It was then Caleb realized Dr. Ivy was a oncologist. She treated cancer patients, and from what Caleb knew she was the best one around. “Ollie...but, you can treat him! You can take care of his case Dr. Ivy, I mean. You'll make him better, you'll make him safe, right?” the words were a blur, coming out of Caleb’s mouth so fast. Dr. Ivy had been the one to tell him his mothers tumour was benign, she could save Oliver. He wouldn't die. “Caleb. What are you talking about?” the woman asked, placing a hand on his knee. Caleb bit his lip, unsure. He knew he could trust Dr. Ivy, with all his heart. “It's just...Ollie...well he has a brain tumour,” he muttered the words, voice cracking. Pulling away from professionalism, Dr. Ivy made a soft sound under her breath, and wrapped her arm around Caleb softly. “That's horrible Caleb. I'm sorry. I should talk to the doctor on his case, but I'll see if I can take over, I know how much he means to you,” she murmured. Caleb didn't know if this was protocol if this was right, but he needed this. He liked Dr. Ivy because she knew things, she told you these things. If there was anyone who could cure Oliver, it was her. She left soon after that saying she was going to go find who had Oliver under their care. Caleb felt better now, just knowing this woman was here. It was a surprisingly short amount of time before the woman was back with an older man, hair greying. He looked nice enough. Caleb shifted uncomfortably, finally standing to shake this mans hand. He introduced him self as Dr. Reid. The three of them talked, and Dr. Reid asked Caleb questions, about Oliver. It was hard to talk about him, but Caleb ave them honest answers. They asked about Olivers behaviour, and his habits, and how he had been acting. Caleb didn't tell them everything, only little bits and pieces. This information was something he felt Oliver should tell the doctors. Caleb didn't know how his eating habits had been, he hadn't been home. Oliver had not told him about any problems, but he hadn't been home. He managed to tell Dr. Ivy the basic fact that he had not been around Oliver recently because of work, but nothing more. They also told him it would be a simple matter to change the case into Dr. Ivy's hands, if that was what Caleb wished. Both doctors were equally qualified the cancer patients simply got divided between them. Finally, Caleb was able to ask the question burning at the back of his mind. “Is Ollie going to...” he couldn't spit out the worlds, eyes burning again. The two doctors looked at one another. “We can't be sure, Caleb. There is no telling what kind of cancer this is, what it will do, or how it will progress. In my opinion, it may have something to do with the way Oliver has been acting, as you said he's been more irritated. There is little chance it is benign, but we may have caught it early enough to eradicate it. Oliver is very lucky,” Dr. Reid told him, point blank. Caleb swallowed, nodding. There was a chance he would live then, small, but it was there. They both left him then, Dr. Ivy assuring him she would keep him updated on the case. Caleb also knew that she would be in later to see if Oliver wanted to answer questions himself. Caleb felt more calm suddenly. Information always helped him. And though he had not learned much – had learned nothing really – progress was being made. Simply talking to a doctor calmed his nerves and he felt more so like he could breathe. It had been a few hours, surprisingly, since Oliver's parents had got here. Caleb didn't know if they were still around. He felt horrible about having left his boyfriend, but it was needed. He had good news now, or something close to good news. Caleb could go back now, see his love, maybe talk to him and make him feel better and the world would be a little more right. That or he was pushing his emotions down again. Caleb forced himself out of his chair, walking back to the waiting room. Once he reached the room, Caleb knocked on the slightly ajar door, wondering if anyone but Ollie was in there. He worried that he'd left Oliver alone, but he hoped his parents would have stayed there.	[atrb=width,140] words , 1,289 tagged , ollie bird! notes , this feels rushed. and oliver's so silly. AND ITS GOOD THAT YOUR BACKKK
[cs=2] TEMPLATE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING OF CAUTION 2.0