Help, I'm alive | Nathaniel

[Deleted]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 1em; -moz-border-radius: 1em; background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2wom9du.png), width: 400px; height: 400px;] Sometimes I wish for falling, Wish for the release I’ll dance with myself, I drunk myself down, Found people to love, Left people to drown, I'm not scared to jump, I'm not scared to fall, there was nowhere to land, I wouldn't be scared at all… There were some nights when Xzuun’s aversion to the indoors was overpowered by his exhaustion, and the idea of sleeping on the cold, hard ground in the alley he spent every night in was something he couldn’t handle. It was those nights when he caved and spent the hundred or so dollars for a motel room so he’d have a bed to wake up in and an alarm to assure him that he’d be on time for work, no matter how deeply he let himself sleep. That was where he was headed now. It was getting close to midnight and he had just gotten off of work. The thing about L’Or was that it felt like it was constantly understaffed, so everyone had long hours and a lot of work. That was how Xzuun liked it best, though, because work made for good distractions. However, today had been especially hectic, and since everyone else had a family to go home to or other obligations and he didn’t, he had been nominated to stay until everyone else had left to wait for the janitorial staff before he could leave. He didn’t particularly mind, but by the time he’d gotten out of there, he was more tired than he could remember being in a long time. It was so dark. Xzuun didn’t know how he could ever make this trek as a kid when he was still pretty terrified six years later. He didn’t really have much reason to feel like that anymore, since there’d been a good three years since anything had happened to him. Still, he couldn’t exactly ignore the fact that he’d been stalked and raped before, and, maybe it was just that one woman, but people did have a way of finding him. He told himself it was paranoia and brushed the sick feeling in his stomach off as nothing more than exhaustion. But he couldn’t keep himself for listening for the smallest of sounds or jumping when a car drove past. He wished he was quieter when he walked. It was hard to listen for footsteps around him when his own echoed so loudly in the silence of the street. And then he heard them. It felt like slow motion, but his brain was racing. Xzuun felt himself slammed against the brick wall of the building he’d been walking next to. He saw stars for a moment when his head hit, but when his vision cleared, all there was to see was a shadow of a man, silhouetted by the street light behind him. Had he not been so terrified, (and if he had at least one sarcastic bone in his body) he might have thought something along the lines of, This is exactly what I wanted not to happen, or perhaps, Why is it always me? But he was not thinking Great, I totally saw this coming. All I want is to go to bed, guys,, because he was too preoccupied with the fear that he was not going to be able to sleep tonight. This man could kill him so easily, and even if Xzuun lived, he wasn’t going to have money for a motel room. So he’d spend all night in the alley, his heart never returning to a normal pace, and he’d panic until the sun brought light back into the world. It wasn’t even fair. When was he going to get a break? ”Your wallet. Give it to me now,”

[/color] the man in front of him demanded.

Xzuun was still trying to figure out how to move again when he felt a fist land sharply in his gut.

”Did you not hear me, bitch? Give me your wallet!”[/color]


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© melly welly from caution 2.0 | LYRICS BY FLORENCE & THE MACHINE
TAGGED: NATHANIEL/HEATHER | 634 WORDS | NOTES: Part way thought this I was like "augh will i ever reach an end this will never get done" and then by the end I was like "okay I need to stop now."

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 2em; -moz-border-radius: 2em; background-image:url(http://i54.tinypic.com/14e9a45.jpg), width: 400px; height: 400px;] this city, this city is haunted By ghosts from broken homes. Because this city, this city is haunted and there's no hope left for these souls. Every step I take I leave a small peice of myself ( --------------------- soon there will be nothing left --------------------- ) Another sleepless night lay before him. A bad habit was starting to form, Nathan didn't try to sleep. He was so caught up in this repeating cycle, and nothing was changing. Deep down, he knew if he didn't initiate a change things would never be diffrent. Perhaps he was falling into the trap so many others did, getting used to the familiar and never wanting it to be diffrent. Tonight, however, he was being rebellious. As rebellious as a twenty year old who just got out of juvie could be. Nathan had called into work sick, when he just had headache. Usually he would never opt out on the option of extra cash, but or a four hour shift it was worth it. He was sick of being called in at any hour of the day the owner needed him, and worse, ten minutes before the shift started. He wasn't one to be pushed around, not anymore. It was easy to forget sometimes that bullying wasn't just physical. It was late, Nathan didn't know the exact time. He should have been home. Instead, he was out, walking around the darkened streets of Caroline. It was always so peaceful here at night, you could almost pretend that nothing bad ever happened. Night was when the bad things did happen though, or so it was said. The dark was the perfect cover for any sort of 'bad guy', and it seemed people were more brave when they couldn't see peoples faces. Psychologically, this at least made sense. Nathan wasn't about to get up into anything illegal though, he just wanted to be outside of his small home. Living alone was strange for him, but it was better than living in constant fear all the time. When he lived with his family, if you could call it that, he was always walking on eggshells. Having to worry when he arrived back at the home if his mothers boyfriend was there or if someone had left a mess he would be blamed for eventually. At least now he had a chance to keep the house clean, something he became a little obsessed with as the days went on. What else was he supposed to do while sleep evaded him? There was a chance Nathan could run into someone from his work, a slim one. Anyone who knew him would have been working right now though, or getting some much needed sleep. Not many people knew him here, a thing he preferred. Even if he did run into someone that knew him, he didn't care at this point. A little confrontation was what he needed. Nathan was used to the high strung life, waiting for the next beating, or waiting to ward people of. Things were never so simple for him, and he hated it. Nathan hadn't seen anyone else on his nightly walk, someone would be insane really to be walking out this time of night. In bigger city's, maybe a few cars would drive by, but in Caroline, it was dead. He should head home, he thought. Call in to work and tell them he could make it tonight, that he was feeling better. Return to his normal life. In the quiet, he heard the shuffling of shoes. Someone else out here at this time of night? Close by shouting startled him, he could almost hear the words. He was running before he could think, closing in on the sound fast. How had he not seen these people before, they weren't to far ahead of him, just around the corner on the block. Nathan didn't even stop as he rounded the corner, seeing the boy curled over and the man shouting at him. “Hey!” the man looked up. Nathan's feet slowed, but he used his momentum to push the man away from the other, putting himself immediately between the two. “This isn't any of your business!” Like hell it wasn't. Nathan wasn't any hero, but he wasn't about to walk away from someone getting mugged. His fist connected with the guys face, forcing him to stumble back farther. “Get out of here,” Nathan snarled, eyes narrowed. The guy looked at him, the way he was standing, fists clenched, waiting. Like any good coward of a dirt bag, he turned and ran, swearing loud enough for Nathan to hear. Idiot. And a mugger in Caroline, this place was no better than a big city. He turned to the kid, rubbing his fist. He forgot how much it hurt to punch someone. “Hey, you okay?” he asked, putting out a hand to help the other man up. WORDS; 776 | TAGGED; Xzuun! | NOTES; hahaha, i haven't written an action scene in so long ♥ ♥ ♥ template by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0 LYRICS BY ALEXISONFIRE

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[Deleted]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 1em; -moz-border-radius: 1em; background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2wom9du.png), width: 400px; height: 400px;] Sometimes I wish for falling, Wish for the release I’ll dance with myself, I drunk myself down, Found people to love, Left people to drown, I'm not scared to jump, I'm not scared to fall, there was nowhere to land, I wouldn't be scared at all… For a while, Xzuun was too completely stunned to move. He could feel his heart racing all throughout his body and his breathing was loud and ragged. Not that anyone could prepare for something like this, but he’d been as close to ready for whatever was going to happen to happen, and suddenly it just...hadn’t. That was almost even more of a shock than the fact that he’d almost just been mugged. Every other time in his life, anytime something bad seemed like it was going to happen, it did. He didn’t take any notice of the other man’s presence for several moments, and instead he focused on trying to assess the situation. He was okay. The man who had attacked him hadn’t taken any of his money. Besides a bump on his head and a punch to the stomach, he was relatively unharmed. Other than being rather shaken, he was fine. He wasn’t dead and he wasn’t broken and he wasn’t completely out of money and everything was going to be all right. Eventually, it registered in Xzuun’s mind that the man who had saved him had asked if he was okay. It might have been an eternity ago that he’d said it, but he only now heard it. He looked up and finally saw the hand offering to help him up, and took it, then stood up slowly. ”Yeah, I’m okay,” he said quietly. ”Thank you.”

[/color]

It wasn’t until then that he actually took in the person there with him. It was really rather too hard to see, and his exhausted eyes didn’t like to fight against it, but from what he could make out, his savior had to be close to his age.

Must be nice, Xzuun thought, to be brave enough to just come help when something like that is happening.

He rubbed the back of his head and closed his eyes a moment. The outline of his attacker was still etched into his eyelids, which he could see being rather irritating when he did get around to sleeping somewhere, wherever that may be. If he even slept that night.

Opening his eyes again and dropping his hand, he bit his lip, trying to think of something else he could say or do to make the other man realize how much he appreciated the sentiment. It was obviously something he could never hope to repay, but there had to be something more. Still, he didn’t really have much to give. Regardless of the fact that he’d just been saved by this boy, Xzuun didn’t particularly want him around any more than he wanted anyone else around, nor did he have worldly things to give him. The most he could offer was sentiment, really, and he didn’t have much skill with words.

”I really...I don’t know what to say,”[/color] he struggled out, shifting his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably. ”Thank you,”[/color] he repeated, hoping that there was some way that saying it enough could ever rid him of the debt he now owed to this unknown person.

He hated owing people things, which was why he tried to be so independent all the time. The only other person he considered himself indebted to was Michael, and that was something he could never repay. Michael gave him a life in so many ways; it was something that, even if he could save the man’s life from certain death, he could never make up for. This person tonight had saved him, too, and he hated that he had two different people to thank for the preservation of his life.

Especially since tonight, his rescuer was his age. There was no fatherly image in this stranger. It was a peer, an equal in every outward way, but after tonight the outside was deceiving. Without one, the other may not have life, and that was a terrifying truth to face.
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© melly welly from caution 2.0 | LYRICS BY FLORENCE & THE MACHINE
684 WORDS | NOTES: Woo this finally got done.

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 2em; -moz-border-radius: 2em; background-image:url(http://i54.tinypic.com/14e9a45.jpg), width: 400px; height: 400px;] this city, this city is haunted By ghosts from broken homes. Because this city, this city is haunted and there's no hope left for these souls. Every step I take I leave a small peice of myself ( --------------------- soon there will be nothing left --------------------- ) Had that just happened? Nathan looked down at the boy, as he was helping him up. A flash came to his mind, seeing himself as a young teenager, being pushed down in the hallways, books shoved out of his hands. He would be the one getting mugged in this situation, if he was still young. How surreal, to be the other end. Even more strange, he had acted without thinking, he had just ran at the shouts. He didn't want to psychoanalyze it, but he knew he couldn't pass it up. He was helping this boy up, it made him realized how he wasn't helpless anymore. Nathan blinked, looking at the kid again. He had to stop calling him that, this man was around his age, or so it seemed. In his mind, however, he seemed to be much younger. Nathan was projecting his own self image of himself at fourteen onto this boy, when this could have happened to anyone. He remembered, though, he could have been that mugger. If things hadn't turned out differently. “Its no pro..” Nathan was going to say it wasn't a problem, but it seemed that sentiment didn't help. It wasn't a problem for him to come help, but that was such a cliched statement. “ I mean, this is a problem, but I...” shit, where did his words go? He'd never saved anyone before. Nor had he punched someone, save for his brother. Things were changing, he could hurt people. He lost himself in the person he used to be, being back in Caroline. Nathan felt as if he had to stick to the image he had made here years ago. He didn't fit into that mould anymore, he wasn't that small. It didn't matter who he was, he wasn't even that boy anymore. Nathan found that now his brother knew he was here, the facade of Charlie was harder to keep up with. His identity was slipping, some days he didn't even know who he was anymore. Who was he even right now? What did this kid see him as? Since when where there muggers in Caroline. This had to be a dream. The kid's words dragged Nathan back to reality. Nathan couldn't get much of a good look at him in the dark. He looked thin. Nathan felt like there was something very familiar in him, and caught a look in his eyes. He hated to stereotype, but this kid was so much like him, Nathan immediately put his own thoughts into the kid's head. “It's really nothing. I couldn't sit back and watch some kid get mugged. Fuck,” he rubbed the side of his face, noting the layer of stubble for the first time. Since when did he need to shave? “Can't believe jerks like that have got to this little town. I mean, I know we're famous for harbouring murders, but still,” he almost laughed, feeling the dark cloaking him. This kid didn't even know who he was talking to. Would he be so thankful if he did? Nathan wasn't any serial killer, but the one murder felt like enough. People tried to tell him to call it manslaughter, but it was no accident. Nathan looked back to the boy, and the darkness around them. “Did you...” he hesitated, putting his hands in his pockets to stop fidgeting. “It's really late, and this is a pretty bad neighbourhood” they must have been near the lower half of Caroline, the worse half, but all of this town was a bad neighbourhood. “Do you want me to walk home with you?” the words slipped out slowly, Nathan looking everywhere but the other man. It was so awkward, offering this help, but he felt like he must. He couldn't just leave the kid. “My name's N-” he stopped short, biting his tongue. “Charlie. I'm Charlie.” WORDS; 776 | TAGGED; Xzuun! | NOTES; They're both so awkward, its adorable ♥ ♥ ♥ template by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0 LYRICS BY ALEXISONFIRE

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[Deleted]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 1em; -moz-border-radius: 1em; background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2wom9du.png), width: 400px; height: 400px;] Sometimes I wish for falling, Wish for the release I’ll dance with myself, I drunk myself down, Found people to love, Left people to drown, I'm not scared to jump, I'm not scared to fall, there was nowhere to land, I wouldn't be scared at all… Now that they were both just standing there, Xzuun became more aware of the pain in his stomach. Evidently, the man who had attacked him knew what he was doing. There had been some serious power in that punch. The back of his head was throbbing, too, and Xzuun was a bit surprised he wasn’t concussed. This whole thing could have gone so much worse, he decided. Just be thankful that you’re okay. Optimism, however, was not one of Xzuun’s strong suits. It was hard to see the good in the world after being exposed to so much bad. He really did try, but he wasn’t always successful. He mentally shook himself, trying to focus on this person standing in front of him. It was strange how, even when he fought against the consuming thoughts, they still took the forefront of his mind most of the time. While Xzuun wanted to focus on reality, his mind battled him and pulled him out of it, instead thinking of things he didn’t want to face. It was hard enough to deal with reality without having to be interrupted by things he didn’t know how to accept. In the now-silent street, Xzuun couldn’t help but hear the other man tripping over his words. Noticing the mutual awkwardness of the conversation was small comfort. It was nice to not be alone in these things, but he didn’t want to make things uncomfortable for anyone else. That being said, he supposed that in situations like this, nobody was very confident and comfortable, regardless of how good they were with people ordinarily. Xzuun didn’t respond to the stuttered reassurances of the boy. He was right, of course, that the situation was a problem, but it also could have been a lot worse. Just keep thinking that. It could have been so much worse. It was convenient that it was dark, though, so the stranger wouldn’t notice Xzuun flinch slightly at his cursing. The whole thing was stupid, but no matter how hard he tried, he always reacted that way. Countless times in his childhood, the swearing had been followed by Xzuun getting hit, and even though it had been six years, he couldn’t convince himself that things would be okay. It was harder now, because as he grew up, he was around older people, and they tended to have a more profane mouth than the innocent children they once were. He wished his subconscious mind could realize that this kid had just saved him and wasn’t going to hurt him, but the way things worked out, his reaction was the same, regardless of context. ”They’ve always been here,”

[/color] he said quietly, in response to the comment about people getting to Caroline. Xzuun was, of course, thinking back to when he was fourteen, and the unspeakable things that had been done to him. That was in Caroline, which was supposed to be a safe haven. No one here seemed able to accept that anything bad could ever happen. But Xzuun knew from experience that this place was no better than anywhere else. There was still the same amount of crime and the same hideous things happening behind closed doors. There was death and mourning and depression. Nobody talked about these things, so they were as good as nonexistent unless you were in the middle of them. It must be nice to be ignorant of all of it.

He wasn’t sure exactly what to make of the murder comment. Xzuun knew the city had some shady history, but there was no way to get a straight story out of these people. Everyone avoided negative conversation like the plague, so no one ever knew about things that happened before they arrived. Xzuun had deduced enough to at least know that people had been killed before, but he didn’t know who or when. It could’ve happened before he was even born, for all he knew.

Xzuun had just been starting to feel more comfortable around this boy when he offered to walk him home. Xzuun really wasn’t one to appreciate sentiment but reject favors, particularly not in this context. He was horrified by the idea of a stranger seeing so far into his life. This boy, who had introduced himself as Charlie, (though there had been some hesitation, so Xzuun wasn’t quite sure that that was his actual name) seemed like a decent enough person, but the only person that knew Xzuun was homeless was his boss Michael, and that was only because the latter had offered to let the former live with him and he declined. He didn’t know what anyone else thought, but he let them believe whatever they would believe, so long as they didn’t ever see where it was he spent his nights.

”Er, no. Thank you, though,”[/color] he said awkwardly. While he might have felt safer not being alone out on the streets, he didn’t want this Charlie person having that knowledge about him. Even if he did stay in a motel as intended, Charlie might put together the pieces. And Xzuun couldn’t have that. Knowledge was power, and he hated being the weaker in any given relationship, but that always seemed to be the case.
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© melly welly from caution 2.0 | LYRICS BY FLORENCE & THE MACHINE
894 WORDS | NOTES: The awkwardness is so adorable omg.

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