runaway from me - elias

[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT Along a lonely old street in Caroline, laid many houses. Most were single levels, dusty cars sitting in the drive ways, toys strewn on the lawn, grass not carefully cut. The houses had a feeling of rot to them, deterioration. Anyone could see people lived there, but by no means did these people really have money. Children shouted off in the distance, the casual car strolled down the street and sometimes you could hear cars backfiring like gunshots. Just the typical lower class neighbourhood, situated in a happy little town. Though, it wasn't really that happy. Just down this street, on the corner of it and another much like it, sat any house like the rest. Save, for a few things. The front door was wide open, carrying in a chilly breeze, for though winter was soft that year the day still held a chill. A rough wood sign stood on the sidewalk, simply advertising 'BOOKS' in messy cursive. For the house itself, it was a bungalow like the rest, if not smaller, not offering much to whoever lived there. On the front window though, there were scrolled words, neat and effective, reading 'USED BOOKSTORE: Buy and Sell used and new books'. Under that, in less precise writing and drips coming from it, almost as if an afterthought, were more words, this time saying :WE ALSO DO REPAIRS. From the window, you could see a few books lined up along the window shelf, baring more classic titles, none spilled onto their sides. The house was quiet like the rest, only the propped open screen door creaking ever so often in the wind. In through the door, was a short hallway, dark, with not much air. This soon opened up though, or not so much. It lead to a rather small sitting room, or so it looked due to the shelves of books along the walls. It wasn't any grand collection, many seemed over used, unsellable really, sitting derelict on the shelves. But they were there, and one lone chair sitting in an empty corner, covered with dust. Most of the place was covered in dust as well, but the books themselves were pristine. The floor was wood, creaky, and overall it smelt of pine and paper in the store. The room was square in form, but the bookshelves lead more of an interesting shape, leaving a pocket in the far back corner for a partially hidden cashier space. One the counter sat an old cash register, barely better then a regal calculator, and behind it there was barely any room, plus the small space left for anyone to get behind the counter. And here sat a man, looking to be quiet young indeed, but looks aren't everything. He held an old book in his hands, the cover stained, but laminated over. It seemed there was a crack down the back spine, but which had been fixed before covering the book safely. The title page bore that of a monkey on a stool and the words 'A short history of progress'. The boy himself? He seemed shrouded, the lighting in the shop was minimum around the cashier area. The books were able to be seen enough, but the man was like a ghost, head angled into the book, not making a noise or movement save for flipping the pages of the book. Nathan Kastra. Or, Charlie, as his name tag happily pronounced, half hidden under the collar of his shirt. So long since the man had been seen in this town, so much forgotten, or shoved down into the gutters to be forced to be forgotten. Sitting here, just a walk from his old house, his old life, he felt nearly reminiscent. He felt like the was the better man for being here, being able to sit here calmly, again just minutes from the school where he brought the gun. He could almost feel his shadow self here too. The younger Nathan. It was like a different person. He wasn't himself anymore. He enjoyed the alias he was under, it felt so much better. He wanted to leave Nathan behind, the snivelling coward. Charlie, perhaps, could be his new self. He could create endless identities, play with the system, morph himself. He didn't have to be anyone. He wasn't trying to run from his past, oh no. Nathan knew about his past, though, his psychologist said he avoided it too much. Said that he didn't want t dig into himself, see his problems for what they really were. But he was happy, well for the most part content, where he was. He didn't need to dig into himself if he was content with life. Nathan sighed, flipping a page in his book, remembering times long ago. Remembering a girl, being young, when things were so innocent. Oh, the good old days. Before he became a murderer. Just then, Nathan herd the soft sound of footsteps hitting the two creaky floorboards by the door. He didn't look up, taking his time to finish the page he was on, slowly closing the book on his finger. Then, he looked up, knowing from here the customer couldn't quiet see him. But, as the man came into view, a slight flutter hit his chest. Nathan placed the book on the counter, watching the man, knowing very well that this was his brother. tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - its so good to be back<3

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories The sun had just settled over the horizon as Elias found himself leaving from work. It had been another day where he remained nestled in the back of the music store looking through the inventory, cleaning absolutely everything in sight. The shop hadn’t been particularly busy especially since any holiday that may have been significant enough for a person to buy any big purchases. A few regulars came in to buy some guitar strings, or maybe a few picks, some parents and their children would come in looking at some tuners and maybe some smaller instruments and occasionally there was someone that was more interested in the big boys while there were other teenagers that came into the shop to goof around. When they did that, they left behind a trail of garbage and at that, Elias basically made the excuse that he needed to stay at work after hours and clean everything the little rugrats got themselves into. Of course none of this was true. Instead, he would stay behind at work, hide himself in the back, steal a pick for the evening and play his soul away at whatever melody fit into his groove that day. Of course now that there was a shift change about to happen in the morning, or rather that the owner was actually going to be opening the store soon, so he had to leave. All he had on him as he left the shop was his wallet and the pick that he forgot to put back behind the class counter. “Oops,” He thought to himself, but honestly didn’t care. It was probably the fifth or sixth pick that he had taken from the shop anyways. HE didn’t know why he latched on to those little triangles of plastic. It’s not like he had any string instruments that he could play at home, no that was why he was always at work. Just, for some reason, there was that little piece of rebellion in him that stuck subconsciously no matter what he did. He walked down the near empty streets digesting the houses as he walked by them. He had lived in this part of town his entire life and it seemed like it was the only thing he’d ever taste, as if he would never make it out of such a cage-like neighborhood. Maybe one day he’d be able to save the money, maybe one day he’d be able to at least move into the middle-class part of town, Maybe one day if he ever married someone rich. Although everything was haunting familiar to him, there was one building that seemed to have changed over the last few months. Elias would occasionally notice it as he walked to and from work, but half the time he was so dazed in whatever thoughts he contained that he chose not to really notice. Now as he found himself approaching the place he couldn’t help but be a little more curious than usual. He read the sign about the books and thought to himself about his brother. It may have seemed oddly sentimental, but Elias couldn’t bring himself to do all too much reading, mostly because it reminded him of the towers of books that used to be in Nathan’s room. Maybe that was why he crossed the road to, finally, check out the place and see if it was open. It must have been sometime between mid-morning and noon. Hopefully he would find that the store was open. His hand extended to the handle of the door where he found himself resting for a moment. Taking in a breath he turned the knob to find that the door was indeed open. He pushed through the door and entered the building, finding himself through the dark, narrow hall way until he could see the dusty book shelves. It looked almost exactly how he imagined it would on the inside. There was a strange, almost grandmother sort of feeling to the room. He imagined that these books used to be the friends to any previous owners and anyone that had ever read from cover to cover. At first he didn’t see the shop owner, but since he wasn’t exactly looking to buy anything he just wanted to take a look inside out of his own curiosity. He walked up to one of the shelves looking at some of the titles of the books trying to dig in his memories for some sense of familiarity but ultimately this was all at a dead end. He walked around a few more paces before considering leaving the place, but that was when he was able to just see the store owner. “Oh, hi there.” He spoke casually hoping that he didn’t look like one of those suspicious teenagers that loomed in shops just for the sake of lingering or causing some sort of crime. Elias may have a rebellious streak but he wasn’t exactly the type of person to steal a book of all things. He started walking over to the counter, and once he was near the owner he extended his hand, “It’s nice to meet you.” its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , WORDS: 859 , LYRICS: blessthefall template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT In the course of owning the store, a mere few months after it was constructed and all the books were gathered, it hadn't been too busy. Few people came to the lower part of Caroline expecting a store, but word would spread. Neither though would any higher class residents go to the lower parts of Caroline just for a book store, and a used one at that. The store would have a few patrons, spread out through the week, rarely ever buying anything. Nathan mostly kept the store for himself, sometimes he'd get the random tourist through,buying a few things. He didn't have much to his name, but thankfully the second job he pulled, working at the grocery store as a late shift bagger, gave just enough money for his life. He was worried though, he was always on the edge with his money. He could get a day job, but there was more chance of being recognized, more chance of him being pushed out of the town. The book store was his only safe bet. Nathan was even surprised he hadn't been recognized before now, he had seen a few people he knew. Walking down the streets or working at the store, but it seemed no one looked at him much. He'd often just look away, shadows across his face, and walk quickly pass, or try not to make eye contact at the store. No one had called him out, but he'd seen some suspicious gazes thrown his way. But, who would ever expect Nathan Kastra to come back to Caroline? He was so far off everyone’s radar he would be safe, for now. It would be a lie to say that in the years that Nathan was in juvie, and away from his family, he hadn't thought about Eli. His family was often called into question in his therapy sessions. Once they found out about the general dynamics, they began to dig, figuring that they were the reason for him going to the school with a gun. Which, they were, or Joshua was. Eli wasn't a bad influence in Nathan's life, but his older brother didn't make things easier. Whenever Elias tried to protect Nathan, he wished he wouldn't, because it made things worse. Joshua would always end up getting more mad and Nathan would have to handle the repercussions later. He might have not been appreciating Eli for all he was worth, what he tried to do, but Nathan never had a good relationship with his brother. Never wanted to really, he was so stuck in his own life. He felt bad for that now, how self absorbed he was. He saw kids in juvie, or around town that reminded him of himself. He could see how hurt they were, but how much of that was also their fault. For the most part now, Nathan knew that his past, that was all him. He never stood up for himself, never tried, and thus was bullied, pushed around, stepped on. Or at least, that’s what the therapists told him, and they could be spouting lies at him all they wanted. Breath still caught in his throat, Nathan considered things. In all his time in Caroline, it was rare he saw people he knew. He'd pass a few faces in the streets, shadow his head down, pass by them with this same baited breath. He was only afraid of being recognized, this fragile life would be shattered if he was. But, he couldn't hold onto this edge forever. Looking at Elias now, it was strange. It had been six years since Nathan last saw his brother. Six long years. Eli looked different, but Nathan could still see his older brother in him. So, how could he not recognize Nathan? Of course, the younger brother had changed, he just wasn't aware of by how much. He was still small in statue, but he had form to his body now, and his entire body language was different. He used to curl into himself, try to disappear, fit into a corner. These days, Nathan didn't show that fear, didn't want to disappear. Outwardly, he didn't want people to see him, but he possessed a more menacing stance. It was strange watching his brother walk around the store, not even seeing Nathan, sitting there so calmly. It almost seemed as if he was going to leave, but then he turned and caught Nathan's eye. Shit. Nathan let the book slip from his hands to the counter, no smile on his face as he stood from the stool he'd been sitting on. 'Nice to meet you? Jesus Elias, do you normally just chat up store owners'. He sighed, letting his hand reach into his brothers to shake it. “Nice to meet you as well sir, is there anything I could help you with?” he questioned, forcing his formality, feeling strange talking to Elias this way. He couldn't let him know who he was, he didn't even know what would happen if he did. tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - and already producing shitty quality posts =(

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories Ever since Elias moved out of the hell-hole that was his mother’s house, he had found himself to be a little more friendly to the people he met on the streets. Since he found out that his mother got rid of that terrible boyfriend of hers, Joshua, he found himself lightening up to people and became less violent. The structure of the Kastra family had been tainted because of that asshole and as far as Elias was concerned was the reason why he lost his brother. As long as he could help it, he tried to reinvent the Kastra name since he was the only remaining child to stay in Caroline. Of course, that isn’t to say that he didn’t have a violent streak. Several times Elias was confronted with people in Caroline that had lived through the school shooting. They’d bring up his brother’s name and scorn it. They’d tell everyone that the youngest Kastra brother was nothing but a psychopath waiting to be unleashed, that he should have been given some high penalty for bringing a gun to school in the first place. At times such as these Elias’s fists would think before his mouth or even his brain. He’d been kicked out of his fair share of bars, and he has been in the hospital a few times because of his tendencies, but he just couldn’t help himself. Since Nathan wasn’t around to defend himself, Elias still tried to keep his name intact. Now, being closer to this shop owner he could see a little bit of his brother in him. It was strange how much he could actually see in him. There was this strange softness to his face, but with this guy it seemed to be hidden with a hard-shell exterior. There was this shy look in his eyes, so similar to the dark glances that he used to see in his brothers. The only difference with this shop owner was that his eyes were blue and there was an almost hollow feeling to them. For a moment Elias saw his little brother, when he was still young, maybe when he was four or five and there was actually some life in his eyes and some pink in his cheeks as he smiled a real smile, something Elias hadn’t seen in probably a decade. Then Elias blinked and he was only looking at the store front worker. He smiled awkwardly, feeling odd about hesitating in any sort of response. “No, nothing in particular, really,” He scratched the back of his head, feeling a little hot from being put on the spot. The only reason he was in here… well was none except his flairs of nostalgia that haunted him. He started to walk away from the counter for a bit, glancing at some of the books as he walked by him before he turned around. He had to be honest with himself, “Actually,” He turned around and looked at the worker in the eyes, “Could you tell me if you have the one book... something about being a Wallflower” He spoke thinking about a book that he had seen so worn out in the hands of his brother years ago. Maybe it would give him some insight to where his brother could be. As if some book that he’d seen his brother read so many times would tell him the secrets to his life. Elias could only wish. its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , LYRICS: blessthefall , NOTES: i think you are on something if you think that ;p template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT Being in the city, one could get lost. Not literally, but figuratively. There were thousands of people, maybe even millions, and none of them knew who you were. For a typical city dweller, they had a group of friends around thirty, at the larger scale, and within the hundreds of thousands in the city, it would be a rare chance to meet them. For a boy like Nathan who knew no one in the city, he could easily fade into the background. Just become another man walking down the street, eyes down and feet moving forward. That was his favourite part of Calgary, how little people knew about him. In Caroline, even when he was young he felt like everyone was staring at him, the clothes he wore, judging him. It still happened now, but as a kid, the boys would be the only ones to really see him, and the torture would start. He knew what people said about him now. It was funny actually, he would catch drifts of conversation. His name cropped up often. He'd often hear himself referred to as a monster, a fiend. Nathan often wondered what people would do if they figured out the monster was back among them. It would create a lot of havoc, that was for sure. Nathan had never dwelled to much about the shooting himself. His therapists in juvie tried to make him, but he'd skirt the topic, work around it. He never considered the murder, the blood that stained his hands. It would haunt him at night though, in his dreams. The way the boys face looked as red bloomed over his shirt, the numbness Nathan felt. For the few weeks he'd attended school, there was a memorial to the one boy who'd died. Died because of Nathan, the gun of which he pulled the trigger. The guilt was far to much to bear, to much to comprehend. He remembered times in juvie, thinking over it, his brain caught in a vicious circle. Those first few months, he had little sleep. It got to the point where he'd fall asleep in the halls, in classes, small two minute naps because his body was so tired. He couldn't get to sleep at night though, with the amount of things riding through his head. He'd never been one to cry, but some nights it was as if he couldn't stop. And he did want to end it all, to stop the thoughts in his brain. He didn't know what stopped him from ending it, but there was something, like a spark of dark hope. Or maybe he just knew somehow he wanted to go on, because he'd been through worse. But, really, what was worse? A beating by a school bully, where you can feel the bruises and bones, or one by your own mind, where the damage is less visible but racks your mind for years on end, haunting. He broke from his thoughts, looking again at Eli. How it must be for him, to have a murderer for a brother, and not even know he was standing right before his eyes. Nathan almost wanted to come clean, tell Elias who it was, but his tongue held back as his brother spoke once more. “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower?” Nathan questioned, concern wrinkling his brow. Why would Elias be looking for that book? Nathan carefully moved around the side of the counter, looking up at the shelves of books for a moment. The worn book was across the store from the counter, sitting on the highest shelf. This was partly because of the alphabetical order of the books, and because Nathan didn't want anyone seeing it. Reaching up to take the book down, he spoke quietly. “This is the only copy we have unfortunately, and its a bit worn”. His fingers brushed over the soft cover as he looked down on it. This was his own copy, reason for his reluctance to sell the book. Even though it was fiction, it was his favourite book, always had been. He got his alias from it. He turned back to Elias, offering up the book. This was one old friend he never wanted to part with, the pages were marked and torn, the cover worn. It was actually almost falling apart at one point. But once Nathan had the book shop and the resources to fix it, he did. It was probably the first book he fixed, thus the still raggedy appearance. He wasn't sure what Elias wanted with the book, but he'd forgotten that when he first gotten the book, he'd proudly written his name in the front, as he did with the books he actually bought. tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - oh brilliant genius <3 and eli's cute

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories After six years it seemed like people had grown up. In fact, a lot of people had now that they were out of high school and since the majority of them moved on to places outside of Caroline thus weren’t lost in the whirlpool that was this messed up town. Whenever someone passed by to visit they would question why, of all people, that Elias Kastra chose to stay in Caroline. He might have been the guy that had seen the most hardships and gone through the most bullshit because of everything that had happened to him six years ago. He should have been the first one to go, he should have been the one that left the day his brother was taken away, and if not even after that he should have left the day his sister too gave up on the town. But he stayed. Nothing else tied him down to the town except that if he was to ever see his siblings again, they’d most likely come back here over any other place in the province, in the country, or in the world. For the years that Elias remained in Caroline he was able find his soul through other things. Music was something that he had been working at in the last four years. He was by no means good, nor was he talented enough to even let people know that he could play a single instrument. The only people that even knew Elias was teaching himself how to play were the few employees at his work. The only time that Elias ever made for himself was the time it took him to walk home from work, walk to work, or when he was sleeping, something he barely knew anymore. In his time by himself he would think over all the things he should have done six years ago to change everything that happened. He can’t help but think that if he had changed things years ago he would have disappeared from Caroline like the rest of his friends without having to worry about the small town he left behind, never having to worry about his family, never having to worry about where he went and how it might further affect the displacement of his family. He could always remember his younger brother’s escape. He always saw images of books falling to the floor in Nathan’s room whenever Elias came home to find Joshua abusing his brother. Several times Elias would just jump in and attempt to smack around the man from the back but things would backfire and Elias would be back in the hospital, not being able to do a single thing about what Joshua was probably doing to Nathan while Elias was forced into sedation. There was always that one book that he would take notice to. This was saying a lot since Elias never had time to read nor did he ever take an interesting into reading no matter if it was for school of if it was for entertainment. The moment he heard the full title he knew instantly what it was, “Yeah, that’s the one!” He laughed a little at his own obvious ignorance. His hand extended to the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed. It was so obvious that he didn’t belong here but nostalgia was one of the greatest extent in his mind these days. Once the book was presented to him he had to admit he was a little saddened about how used the book was, scared that it might take away from what he was trying to reconnect to but as he held it in his hands he felt a warmth as if it was perfectly matched to him. His fingers touched the cover and he smiled slightly, “I don’t mind, it’s no problem, thank you,” He started opening up some of the pages, flipping through potentially the first full book that he would willingly read, “How much do I owe you…” It was within that second that he flipped to the back of the front cover. His heart started beating faster than it ever had in years. His mind started racing, his eyes enlarged and stayed focused on what he saw. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t even know what to think with himself. He turned the inner cover of the book out to the owner at the desk, his eyes full of fire, burning into the owners eyes, “Where did you get this.” His finger pointed dramatically at the inked marked name, the name that had haunted him for so long, that name was Nathaniel Kastra, the name of his brother. its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , LYRICS: blessthefall , NOTES: sorry it took so long but honestly it felt so good to write [: template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT Nathan was quick to find the education provided in juvenile detention was below par. The things they learned there he had learned years ago. They didn't believe in skipping grades, and thus he was placed back with the students his age, learning trivial things he'd found on his own before most of these boys could read a long sentence. Instead of pursuing his own knowledge-which would have been a tough matter considering the library materials provided-he left it alone. Knowledge books, were something he provided for himself in the absence of friends in the absence of happiness. When he broke, so did his strive for knowledge. The therapists said hi books were solace, and that much of the bullshit they said made sense. He'd even read about it considered it but then went on in his search for more things. He could still remember when he was a younger, thirteen maybe, and planning on going to an university. It didn't matter to him that his family had no money, he would go to a brilliant university, and excel, break himself from the Kastra name. That was one thing he was researching since he was young how to legally change his name. Now though, his entire world was different. Nathan didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, and no matter what he did, his past would follow him. Any employer could see his criminal record if they wanted, the black stain on his name. A fake identity could only hold for so long unless he went to the troubled to fabricate a person himself, a feat he could accomplish. Yet, Nathan still held onto his name, only holding the one he created to stop complications. There was something, something that Nathan couldn't figure out that had him tied to his past, had him tied to this town and everything to do with it. It never occurred to Nathan before, but what was Elias doing in here in the first place? For one, Nathan didn't even know his brother still lived in the town. He just figured Elias would have left, like several others Nathan was sure had gone. Yet, he stood here, looking older but still all the same. Was Calli still here, his mother? Nathan could feel his heart tighten at the thought of Joshua still being here. He almost wanted to jump across the table at Elias suddenly, shake his shoulders until his brother told him of what became of the rest of their family. If Joshua was still here...Nathan found his hand tightening into a fist without thought. The things he would do to that man. Then, though, what if...? Nathan's mind swum away from hate, to something more tender, the girl that often came, ghostlike, into his dreams at night. He shook the thought off, looking back at his brother. There was no way she would still be here, and Nathan didn't know what he would do if she was. Elias shouldn't be here Nathan knew his brother wasn't much into books of any sort. Or, as far as Nathan knew. He never posed interest in the titles in Nathans room, and Nathan had been in Elias room several times, seeing no books there. And why this one, his favourite book, the one which his fake namesake came from? It made no sense, unless Elias saw more than Nathan credited him for. A sudden hot flash of anger bubbled in Nathan, his now blue eyes looking at Elias. His brother, but that title held no love from the younger man. This man had caused pain for Nathan, more than he needed. He also symbolized everything Nathan wanted to be. Elias was strong where Nathan was weak. Elias would never have laid down to the bullies, never let Joshua push him around. People saw Elias, and generally, they were scared of him. Nathan's hate was born of envy. His voice spoke, filled with darkness, before he could think, “I'm sorry sir, that book isn't for sale.” He was going to snatch it back, he could see the moment so clearly in his mind. But, Elias was now pointing at the book, a darker presence about him as well. Nathan looked down for a moment, distracted, seeing his own name carved into the page. For a moment, pure terror filled him. It was erased once again, his fear was long gone, With a shrug of his shoulders, Nathan pulled the book slowly back from Elias. “This? A kid brought it in some time ago. I only bought it because of how damn sad he looked, trying to sell this ratty book to me. I realize now though, sir, that it's hardly in any condition to be sold, I do apologize,” he spoke professionally, laying his hands across the book, straightening his back. “Why do you ask where I got this book?” he questioned, a whim suddenly hit him. For some reason, Nathan wanted to play with this, see how he could push Elias, how long he could fool him. tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - its all good yo, its all good

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories Just as everyone expected him not to, Elias was the first person in his family to not drop out of school. His non-existent father, his mother, his brother’s father, all of the people that came before them ignored the idea of class or learning. But after the school shooting it hurt Elias so much to be at school that he felt like he needed to be there. The pain of walking inside for his final year was something he felt like he needed to embrace in order to make himself feel better about the little he had done previously. He was extremely quiet in the last half of his final year, for the most part, leaving a void between himself and any old friends he had at school. The majority of friends that he previously had he lost. Some were because of Nathan entirely, scared that having a connection with Elias would destroy their life. The others he lost simply because Elias refused to open up to anyone else in his life. He preferred the idea of just keeping to himself… at least for the most part. And because of all o this he actually excelled in school, a place where he used to just barely make it by. He ended the year in honors and actually was offered a scholarship into college… something he only attended until the money from the scholarship ran out, where he dropped out happy enough to have at least experienced some of that life no one ever thought he would. All he ever wanted to do was prove people wrong. Maybe that was why Elias had stayed in Caroline after so long. Maybe he just wanted to prove to everyone that he could take whatever criticism they had to offer. How strange he was. He was practically a masochist after everything. Yet, he could feel his old tendency’s boiling over the look of his brother’s name. Seeing it, right before his eyes filled him up with all the tension that he had pent up over the last six years of his life. What was he going to strangle this book store owner until he got the answers he wanted? No, that was too much like old Elias, he wouldn’t allow himself to do that no matter how much he wanted the answers that he felt like he deserved to have. The moment that this guy said the book was no longer for sale, Eli’s eyes grew wild with fury and his grip tightened onto the book. He felt the pressure within his own breath. Not even he knew what he was going to do because in this state be could be completely unpredictable. There was an explanation for this book. There was an explanation for the name that was in front of him, and as the man at the counter explained everything about the sad boy, Elias could actually see it. He could imagine the look in his little brother, Nathan’s, eyes and how desperate he would be to earn something of money for whatever reasons. Elias’s grip loosened and his eyes seemed to cool a little, and soften “Sorry, I freaked out a little” He allowed the man to take the book from him as his eyes followed down to the floor. He looked at the nothingness there and couldn’t help but have his thoughts linger on everything, especially since now this character wanted to know why Elias wanted to know the origins of that book so badly. He looked up, back to the man, and instead of him he saw his brother Nathan. He saw his dark, sad eyes, and his matching dark hair and the delicate form of his face. He blinked, and that illusion went away and instead was replaced by the man… except it was almost as if nothing had been replaced except for maybe a harder look in his face and the color of his eyes. This was suspicious… could it be? His eyes narrowed down at him, analyzing his features. But because he didn’t want to stir up any questioning in this man he assumed had been a stranger, he responded, “That name in there, the last name is the same as mine. Kastra. I’m sure you’ve heard of us… we were one of those disaster families that this town thrived off of,” He looked for any sort of reaction within this guy’s face. He could only imagine that if this was the older version of Nathan that there would be some sort of reaction. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever got your name” its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , LYRICS: blessthefall , NOTES: hehehe. *secret psycho laugh that is questionable in society template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT How it would have been, if things had gone differently. If Nathan had never brought the gun to the school, killed that boy, he most certainly would not have been here. He might have found friends, perhaps Jacqueline could have helped him. Eventually, he'd be the first Kastra in who knows how long to go through a full run of University. He'd be a genius, and have done something more with his life. Things could never change now though, and it might have gotten worse. Joshua could have never let, only hurt Nathan more, pushing him deeper into his depression. Nathan never felt remorse or his actions. The boy he killed could have been innocent, could have been just another student. Nathan never took the time to bother learning his name in all honesty. All that mattered was that Nathan was sure that this boy had seen him being hurt. This young man probably knew of Nathan, but he pushed him to the back of his mind, like he didn't matter. So he deserved it, he deserved to feel the immense amounts of pain that Nathan did every day. Nathan could feel the story of his life unravelling in his head. Unbeknownst to himself, all his reading had turned Nathan into a wonderful story teller. He could weave lies without even thinking about it. It was an art he started in juvie really, trying to get away from himself, erase his past. There was no running from it, but he could try. He could see himself, Charlie, living here for more of his life, maybe having moved to the town when he was younger and getting stuck there. The bookshop would have been up for years, himself running it. Of course he knew the history of the town, what with the gossips here. Of course, there were holes in his story, big ones. Words that Nathan had said and couldn't take back. Elias seemed eager to believe whatever explanation was given though, perhaps from his desperation for answers. Nathan was glad to have the book back in his hands, it was if the thin paperback held all the answers from Elias, every question he wanted answered. The truth was though so many answers Elias sought were standing right in front of him. Walking slowly back behind the counter of the shop, Nathan listened to his brother. How gullible could you be? He hummed thoughtfully at his words, seeming distracted. As Elias asked for his name, Nathan looked up, shocked. “Charlie, sir. Charlie Niels,” he responded, the name he chose for himself still feeling strange on his tongue. Even after this time he had trouble responding to it. “And I do take that you are Elias Kastra?” he questioned, almost wishing to laugh at the ruse he was playing. “I have indeed heard much of the Kastra family, the people in this town seem to be notorious gossips. Strange that you're the first I've run into. Though, the Nathan boy, who gave me that book, it mustn't have been to long ago that he was here,” he trailed of slowly, looking back up to Elias. His words were deliberate, teasing, and he wondered what spark they would create. tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG BEST FRIEND

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories There was no comprehension of how lives could be determined for Elias. He remained in constant questioning in how he came from the family that birthed him and somehow became the person he was today. He didn’t know how he was supposed to be from that sort of life and he had no idea that there would be such a great turn that would result in where Nathan was at now. People were so unpredictable that he couldn’t even believe where he was standing. Considering everything that happened he considered himself to be lucky, then again he also tried his hardest to ignore who he actually was and work to the point where he didn’t even know who he was anymore. Before he used to be that kid who was the bad ass, who knew practically every cop and who was both pitied and feared. Girls both loved him and hated him, boys both feared him and wanted to get fear out of him. That’s who he was supposed to be. But now? Now he was hardly heard of except for the occasional bar fight and those who recognized him whenever they came into his work place. When people recognized him it was when he couldn’t run away from this family he was given. With a baby face and dark hair he was easily recognized as a Kastra for every single person in his family had these features, which may have helped nudge Elias into the suspicions he contained. Maybe it was because he was desperate for answers, or maybe it was because of these few characteristics that physically defined the Kastra three but for Elias he couldn’t find himself denying that this blue eyed character was his brother. The moment he walked in the door he had that feeling and chose to push it away but now he knew he couldn’t. But the thing that haunted Elias was why would Nathan lie about it being him? Why would he choose to live a secret life and not even tell his brother? The answer was right in front of him, and in reality he knew it. Who would want to come back this town and be labeled as a Kastra, a disaster on any seemingly perfect town? Elias was the only one insane enough not to either leave or make a new name for himself. As he listened for the name he couldn’t help but sense an odd familiarity with the name Charlie. He wasn’t completely certain as to why, especially since he personally didn’t know anyone by the name of Charlie or even Charles for that matter. He smirked a little when the supposed Charlie assumed his name to be Elias, “Strange that you call me Elias because I don’t think I’ve ever heard myself be referred to my full name except from people in my own immediate family,” His eyes dug into parallel eyes, hoping that he might catch the slightest glimmer that would encourage him to maybe even suggest that Elias knew who this guy actually was, “Notorious indeed,” He felt his face hardening. Not long ago? With words like this Elias already felt like he should withdraw any accusations he wanted to burst out but he was so sure. Why and how could be so unsure of his own blood? “How long would you say…” Elias was just about ready to extend a violent hand over to this guy once again… regardless of it being his brother or not. its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , LYRICS: blessthefall , NOTES: well ... that took a few months. template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT Family. They tried to teach Nathan the value of that while he was in juvie. Family was your one influence in life, the thing that screwed most people over. It did make sense, for Nathan, considering how screwed up his family was. He turned out bad because of them. They tried to tell him he really shouldn't blame them, or anyone. Blame was for the weak. Joshua wasn't even his father, Nathan had no idea where or really who his real father was. Family was supposed to be a place to go when you were broken and alone. Instead Nathan went to juvie. He didn't know if he ever loved Elias. He didn't know the feeling really. If he had, wouldn't he have wanted to introduce himself to his brother, hug him, catch up and say where he was? Nathan didn't know how to feel. He was a fourteen year old stuck in this twenty year old body. He was a coward, really, for not telling Eli who he was. There was no game behind it, no malicious spark. Nathan was running from his past and he needed to stop. Without much thought, Nathan began to move again, first turning his back a little to Eli and organizing the few books he kept behind the counter, still listening. He felt as if he couldn't look at his brother anymore though. He was lying to him, and he could feel the weight in his stomach now. He could feel a jolt as Elias mentioned that only people in his family refereed to him as such. Nathan had forgotten that to everyone else, he was just Eli. He seemed to remember a particular hatred in Eli's eyes to the name Elias in his teen years, but he wasn't sure. When he was younger, he never much payed attention to his older brothers life. They had such different personalities, different worlds they were living in. Nathan was young when Elias was a young teenager, and he couldn't begin to comprehend the things he was going through, simply because of hormones. That was complicated enough without their family situation. However, Nathan never knew Eli well at all, never bonded with him like a brother should. Suddenly, he felt regret for this action. He turned back to his brother, chewing on his lip, an old habit of his. “Can't of been six months ago even. He said something about moving. Needed the money though, was pretty desperate from what I remember...” Moving again, Nathan began to organize more books in the small shop, moving from behind the counter once more. There was little work to be done though. There was little traffic into his shop and with the spare time Nathan made sure to keep his books orderly. They were the only thing he ever cared about. If he had a choice, he would die an old man with his books in his coffin. Or, that was what his younger self would have said. Nathan was no longer sure of that fact. He was changed. No longer did he wish to root his nose in books and live the life of lives gone past, he felt he needed to live his own life. He needed to stop being afraid of being hurt. Nathan carefully turned back to his brother, a book laying in his hands. “Eli...” his voice was barely a whisper. The floors needed polishing, and his shoes needed cleaning. “Ellie, it's me,” a childish nickname, perhaps the only connection the two had. Nathan finally looked up, something tugging at the edge of his lips. “It's Nathan.” tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - nathan is the male version of me. end of story

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories Being the oldest kind in his family, Elias saw everything that happened. Through the eyes of a child he had to act grown up. As he watched his mother screw around with her own life he had to figure out what life actually was. When Elias was five, Nathan was born and as far as Elias had been informed they all had been a part of the same family. It wasn’t until he was older that he realized different photos in his mother’s photo albums represented people that could, individually, be each of their father’s. Before his mother dove off of the deep end and found Joshua, Elias could almost say he was close to her for a little bit. It was then that she informed him that as far as she was concerned that Elias and Calliope shared the same family but Nathan was more like a step brother. Of course, this never changed much of an opinion for Elias to Nathan. Elias was old enough to realize that he was family so that meant that he was supposed to love him. Maybe that was why it hurt so much to look at this guy, because he had to be uncertain if it actually was his brother or if this shop keeper claiming to be Charlie was actually telling the truth. He shouldn’t have to question his own brother’s existence. As “Charlie” turned around, Elias couldn’t help but bring himself to analyze him. He literally analyzed everything, watching his shoulder blades move under his clothes, the slight movements his head would tilt to, everything. Elias tilted his head downward to think for himself in that little bit. His right hand grabbed the back of his neck and fiddled around in his hair for that brief moment before any more thoughts sprawled across his brain he heard the voice of the shop owner. He wanted to respond to him, say something, anything really that might toy around a little more and help Elias with his own little detective game but the more he heard these lies the more he just wanted to give up and walk out the door, call it a day. Since his brother had left town he was the only thing that had consistently been on Elias’s mind and now that there was the possibility that he could actually be getting closer to the heart of the matter he felt like giving in. Elias actually felt himself picking his feet up, ready to quietly leave the place. His feet moved back in forth, swaying, willing themselves to leave yet cemented for the emotions that held Eli back. He had been so persistent before, almost violent. It was strange how much he could change in such a short amount of time. Thoughts of his brother brought back the old him and everything else made him subside. Finally, he forced himself to move. One of his feet crossed over the other, turning around and slowly making a move in an attempt to leave but then there was a whisper. Elias couldn’t even be sure that he even heard anything since it was so delicate but it forced him to freeze in place. “Ellie.” That name. Elias couldn’t bring himself to think anymore. If the town only called him Eli and his immediate family only referred to him as Elias, that also left the one name that his younger brother used to call him when they were both far too young. “Nathan,” His eyes burned into his brother’s eyes, and at first his voice was stern. A smile spread across his face for a moment as his lips moved as if to say “I knew it.” Then his eyebrows furrowed, and the fire in his eyes ragged. His feet reversed back around and he brought himself straight to his brother. He was still taller than him. He could tell since now he only stood a good three inches away from him, looking down. He didn’t know what to do. His first impulse was to hug him, so he did. His arms violently wrapped around his brothers, squeezing him harder than he ever had. Elias could feel the burn in his eyes, not from fire, but rather from water. Tears. Before anything fell, his hands grabbed the side of his brother’s arm. “What the hell is wrong with you?” He shook his brother in place for a moment. Now there was no way he could leave, not without the explanation he needed, the one that he always daydreamed to confront. Nathan couldn’t hide anymore. its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , LYRICS: blessthefall , NOTES: i always just saw it in books sense but now i can see it more so. template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT Caroline had not changed since Nathan left if six years ago. He didn't expect it to. The town didn't change in the fourteen years he lived there, nor would it ever. As much as the rich people may have felt they hated it, or the poor people the same, what they hated more was change. The people here, as with every other small town, would never be any different for what was worse then changing. The stereotype of small towns held true, but what had made that stereotype? Perhaps it was a testament to human nature. For even in a small group of people it seems as if words start flying and emotions get hurt. Humans were far too complicated to live a life without envy, hate or fear. Why was it like that, though, with the evil in the world so humans could not exist without others getting hurt. It was as if people were malicious by nature, the brains in their minds getting the better of them and turning them against their own kind. All Nathan knew was that he hadn't changed much either. He was still afraid of this town, of the words they spread. Why would he be though? Who would dare stand up against a murderer? He remembered when he was young and another murderer was the talk of the town. High class. All the people could say anything they wanted about him, this Wren Zeiger, but none dared laid a finger on this man who had killed one of there own. Nathan would like to have talked to him about this, perhaps. He felt someone who had a life on their hands would be the only one to understand him. He didn't need to be afraid though, he told himself. The town was scared of him, scared that he would come back and hurt more people. Maybe they had good reason, maybe he needed to give them good reason. Deep down, Nathan wasn't sure if he wanted to scare people. There was a war inside of him, between the boy who just wanted someone to understand and help him, and the man who wanted to push them all away. His heart had never thumped harder against his rib cage. Not when Joshua was hitting him, not when a kid was running after him and not when he shot the gun. There was no knowing the outcome of this moment, of this time. Nathan took his chances very few times. They would be calculated, and drawn out. So much so that usually by the time he had made the decision to act or not, it would be too late. This was one of the only time he decided upon on something without thought. Even the shooting had some thought, Nathan knew subconsciously the police would capture him eventually. He had to give himself up in the end. Here though he was taking an unmeasured risk. It seemed, before, as if Eli was about to leave. Nathan could see the desperation in his brother, did he miss him that much? He watched him, heard his brother speak his name, unsure how to feel. It was like being a kid, tugging at his mothers pants for some food and Eli coming along, tugging him away to make Nathan some food because ”Mommy was tired/. Nathan felt a rush, of all the things he wanted to say, all the things he wanted to do, even if it were far too later. There was a tightness at the back of his throat. He looked up to see the sweep of emotion in Eli's face, and Nathan balked, unsure. To him, this face only spoke of anger. His fists clenched by his side, the emotions in him setteling into a calmer state as he looked into his brothers eyes, ready. Ready for what though? Not for the arms that enveloped him suddenly. Just then Nathan realized he had never been hugged, not by his mother and not by anyone in his family, that he could remember. He was unsure what to do, but felt a strange warmth filling his bones. As Elias pulled away, Nathan could feel the warmth flush his face, and his mouth turned upwards. Nathan was smiling, truly smiling and he let out a soft chuckle. “I think the therapist chalked it down to a bad youth,” the smile was still there, a thing that had not graced Nathan's face in years. He moved from Eli, a sudden whim hitting him. Quickly, Nathan locked the front door of his bookshop after carting the wooden sign inside, flipping the sign to 'closed' “Come on, lets not stand out here like strangers.” In good spirits, Nathan turned to the back of the store, where a door was hidden behind the cash register. The door lead down opened up immediately to a living area, sparsely furnished with a couch and table, no television to speak of. The kitchen was separated by only a half wall and a short narrow hallway ran down to the single room in the house. Nathan turned back to his brother, biting his lip. He was at a loss for words, after all these years. Shuffling his feet, he spoke softly. “How have things been? How-” he stopped himself. Nathan didn't want to ask about home, didn't want to open that can of worms yet. He wasn't prepared to hear that Joshua was still there, if he was. At a loss for words, he sat himself on the couch, using a sweeping gesture to say Eli could do the same. What could he say, after this time, to a man he never really knew. No words could fix the things between them, and Nathan wasn't sure if he wanted to. Thinking of his past was not his strong suit. Nathan never understood the concept of things that had already happened. No matter what he did now, the things that had happened to him wouldn't just disappear. He could try and let them not hurt him but the damage had been done. The warmth he felt cooled off, leaving a hollow in his chest. Thinking back to the times he talked to the therapists about speaking to others, a problem Nathan always had, he looked back up to Elias. “How are you? It's been so long,” he shook his head, like it wasn't his fault. Like Eli wouldn't have things to say and Nathan didn't have four years worth of questions burning at the back of his throat tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - kellin quinn, stop being so sexy

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[elias kellin kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] keep all your memories, all they mean to me, close to you, keep all the memories, close to you it’s so hard for me to let go of you but I’m coming back, its getting harder to keep my head above - - - - - - - - ► keep all the memories The problem with Caroline was that all of the new people that tried to create change, that tried to make the dynamics of such a closed minded place change always got so lost in all of the elder’s drama that they either ended up converting to all of the Caroline norms or else they eventually leave, unable to deal with the constant battles. There were a few people that were able to stay, Elias being one of them, but he was always working so he didn’t even notice any of the people half the time. It was easier to live in Caroline when you secluded yourself from everyone else, or else found your boundaries with fewer people. That wasn’t to say that Elias didn’t get in trouble a few times. He still knew some of his “bad influence” friends, mostly because he couldn’t bring himself to ever completely drop anyone in his life, and at times when he was free or couldn’t make an excuse he’d go out with them. Any time someone recognized him it seemed that it would end up in a verbal fight that quickly evolved into something physical. It was in his Kastra blood. He couldn’t let anything go as long as it had something to do with his family, especially when it had to do with Nathan. The air of the room felt so different now that Elias could be certain that this was his brother. He was so relieved that his brother was okay, that he could physically see him, yet at the same time he was so angry that he wanted to punch a hole through the wall. He had so many mixed emotions he wasn’t sure if he could bring himself to say any more words than he already had. There was so much fury inside of Elias’s eyes, so much anger bubbling over Elias couldn’t believe that Nathan seemed to be acting so calm when it was so clear that Elias was angered, especially when he had so violently grabbed onto Nathan’s shoulders. He was so surprised by Nathan’s response that his arms easily dropped away from him. He couldn’t believe that Nathan had even mustered up much to say. Sure, Elias had asked him a question but the Nathan that Elias knew was too quiet to even say anything… ever. They never had any real communication, not since before Joshua came in the picture. Now that Elias stood in front of Nathan he felt a weird role reversal. Here Nathan was, all grown up, closing up his shop for what Elias assumed would be because they had something to talk about and Elias, typically the instigator, the one who would try to talk is the one who remained silent and unsure of himself. “lets not stand around like strangers”? Elias couldn’t help but think, weren’t they technically strangers now? They hadn’t seen each other in years; it certainly felt like they were strangers. But no matter how furious Elias was currently, no matter how much all the pent-up emotions were caught right at the back of his throat he couldn’t quite bring himself to say or do anything to Nathan… not yet. Elias followed Nathan into the little living space he assumed that Nathan would be in when he wasn’t at the front of the house attempting at a small business. Now that Elias knew it was for sure his brother he had to question to himself how Nathan got so many books, how he was able to create such an impressive looking collection. He always had books stalked up in his room but now it was like he had his own library, in Elias’s opinion. But compared to the book store Nathan’s true living space seemed scarce. Elias’s always had been as well but seeing his brother’s place made him realize how much more Elias actually had in comparison. For that moment Elias felt himself relax, humbled by the little that his brother lived in and that somehow Nathan had grown up and found himself a place to stay rather than dying somewhere on the streets. He could be pleased that his brother was alive, even back in Caroline, but there was still so much anger inside of Elias that his mind continued to battle with how he felt over the entire situation. He had already embraced his brother, something he wasn’t even sure he had even done when Nathaniel was in his younger years. Elias closed his eyes for a few seconds trying to collect his thoughts but the second that Nathan spoke for the final time he broke. He couldn’t contain any more composure. “Damn right it has been a long time,” His eyes flickered over to Nathan and his voice held a tone that seemed to have something more of a fatherly scolding. “Where have you been, Nathan? What do you expect me to say ‘oh work is good, I am some fancy ass lawyer, am married and have a kid on the way’? Like really?” Elias shook his head. “Why didn’t you come find me? What were you scared of? Joshua is gone, Nathan, there is nothing to be scared of anymore!” Elias’s flame came back and he looked at his brother so seriously that there was even a burning water in his eyes. its so hard for me to let go of you TAGS: nathan , LYRICS: blessthefall , NOTES: just cute template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[nathaniel james kastra]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 400px; background-color: 4f4e4d; -moz-border-radius: 250px; border-radius: 30px 30px 30px 30px; border: 0px solid #414141;] AND I JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOU [/style] AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT The good mood evaporated quickly, leaving behind an empty hollow, wanting. Although Nathan was an avid reader, he had trouble reading people sometimes. The therapist told him he might have some sort of disorder, but he refused to believe that. Disorders may have been real, it was the labelling of them that was messed up. Everyone had something wrong with their minds, be it more or less than another person. It might have been helpful to name them, categorize them, stick them in metal moulds to be pressed and moved on. It didn't help Nathan any. So what if he had trouble talking to people, reading what they were feeling, dealing with them? It didn't make things different, he already had a vague idea he was basically socially awkward from a young age. When you can't trust anyone, you lose the ability to analyze them. In his own warped mind, things turned out different then they were. No amount of wishing or saying what the problem was could change the reality of a situation. Now, he couldn't take back what he had said, and he didn't want to. He almost felt glad, seeing the anger in Eli's eyes. It would have been a lie for them to pretend they were happy. As Eli had said, what did he expect? Nathan wasn't a happy bookstore owner sitting in Caroline. He teased that possibility, him actually happy here, having dealt with his problems like a normal kid. Then he could remember the shooting, the blood, the look on the kids face. Terrible guilt rolled around his stomach, forcing him to clench is gut, tears burning at the back of his eyes. A kid was dead because of him, someones son, someones brother. He felt himself shaking, loosing, the world gong black until Eli spoke again. Damn. Instead of shrinking, Nathan felt himself looking up at Eli. Nathan let Eli speak, noting the scolding tone in his voice. Eli was treating him like he was fourteen again. A small flame flicked in his eyes at the mention of Joshua, and the fact that he was gone. Gone? He felt confused. There was a more euphoric happiness that couldn't have been any shorter then the emotion that swept through Nathan. And then there was regret. Not regret, that wasn't the right word. He felt cheated. Did he want to get vengeance, of some sort? Do to Joshua what he did to Nathan. Once again, his gut clenched. No. He just, he wanted to make Joshua understand what he had done, the pain he had caused. Not just to Nathan, but to his entire family. A man like Joshua would never understand though. That was the problem, Nathan couldn't deal with this and he didn't know how. If he could...he didn't even know. Nathan was so helpless here, where it came to making the pain go away. There was no way, in the end. He couldn't get rid of the pain and he would have to deal with that one day. But now, there were too many other things going on. Nathan could say anything to Eli he wanted. He took Eli's words in, thinking them through, anger bubbling through him. “ I wasn't scared,” he replied shortly, looking at the ground. He hated the thought of being scared, it burned his stomach. Nathan was finished with being scared now, he wasn't a little boy anymore. “I went away Eli. After juvie, you think I wanted to come back to this hell hole? I had no idea you'd still be here. I didn't even know if mom would let me through the door, or if that ass was still here. How do you think I felt, after murdering a kid who didn't even deserve it? Like hell I ever wanted to come back here,” he snorted, hands balled up into fists, shaking slightly. tagged - elias | lyrics - runaway | notes - for some reason i like this post

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